Valentine's Day is right around the corner.
This is a season when there's supposed to be love in the air: a feeling of roses, boxes of chocolates, couples buying diamonds, and what not. But you know what it really feels like? Like divorce is in the air.
Today I went around and everybody I spoke to was miserable in their marriage -- it was unreal. A good friend of mine, who has been married for about six years, recently discovered that his wife got pregnant again even though they haven't had sex once in the last six months. Now he's about to have another kid that he doesn't want to have. And all he can think about is how his marriage doesn't work.
Another friend of mine told me about his wife, who was constantly comparing him to the super husband's out there in the world.
"Why don't you treat me like Jim treats his wife?"
"Why don't we go away on a family vacation like Joe takes his kids?"
"Why don't you do _____ because super husband sexy Dave does _____ all the time."
All I've been hearing about is divorce and how couples do not love one another. So the real question is, as Valentine's Day approaches: does marriage really work?
I remember when friend number one -- the one about to have another kid -- first got married and his wife admitted that all she ever wanted in life was to be married. She wanted to be married and she wanted to have kids. His wife wanted to have the perfect family because when she grew up she didn't have that. So her life goal was to have that perfect marriage and that perfect family.
She was looking for a husband, and my friend was looking for a wife. He also had a fractured family, with fractured relationships, in a fractured home; so he too was looking for that perfect woman, that perfect family.
And when fantasy hits fantasy, guess what usually happens? Reality comes. And that's why the couple is talking divorce. Because the reality is, they don't love each other, they're not a fit for one another, and they don't understand one another. She is constantly riding him. He is lost, miserable, not happy and realizing he's in a marriage that is not full of love and that the fantasy is not like the reality.
My other friend went through a business loss. His wife doesn't really support him anymore even though for 17 years he worked his butt off to make that business work. He made a lot of bad decisions along the way, just to make sure that she was happy. And now, he lost his business and he's broke. He owes a lot of money and his wife is wondering why he can't be that super husband. That guy that just comes upstairs and gives her a big kiss after work, throws money around, watches the kids, and has sex with her when she feels like it.
Do you know why people are getting divorced? Because it's worth it. There are too many unhappy people in relationships that were based on fantasy who are now coming to reality.
So this Valentine's Day, I want you to take a look at things just a little bit different, I want you to take a look at your own marriage and ask yourself, "Is this real? What's real about this marriage? How do I feel?"
Ask yourself these tough questions. Ask if you're really, truly happy, and if you can be happy with that person, act upon it. Stop holding grudges this Valentine's Day.
Do you know your partner's love language? Do something for them. You know what will make them happy, or you can continue acting like you're too comfortable to bond, which only leads to that downward spiral called divorce.
Holding your ground in a relationship doesn't work. If you can find the love that you once had for somebody, act upon it. All it takes is action every day, small little steps.
Otherwise marriage really doesn't work because the fantasy of marriage is great, the reality of it is tough, hard work. It's also about marrying the right person, somebody who understands you; somebody who wants to love you the way they need to be loved; somebody you respect; somebody you honor; somebody who makes you feel wonderful.
So let's get real this Valentine's Day and let's ask ourselves the tough questions.
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1) I am reading this at 9:21 AM on 2/14, but the article shows a post date/time of 11:15 PM on 2/14, making me think that the article is totally made up
2) As a ""Dating and Relationship coach", how is it that "everyone" you encounter has a whopper of a marriage problem? I would think that if you were good at your profession then the people you are in touch with would have benefited from your skill and wisdom and would, at most, have a few small issues.
So, given that the audience here at Huff Post also seems to be somewhat slanted toward the distaff side, your advice to dump the fantasy expectations and try to find a way to enjoy what you have is quite well-targeted. Unfortunately, you are in the minority here. The general blogger sentiment seems to be that if you find your marriage emotionally unfulfilling, you are not merely justified but practically required to have your children's father evicted from his home, separate kids from a fit and loving parent and, by the way, collect a third or so of his income for the next 10 or 15 years.
Although after many exchanges on this topic I have reluctantly become convinced that women really do value their emotional fulfillment more highly than the health and happiness of their unsatisfactory spouses and presumably satisfactory children, I have yet to fully appreciate how they justify this in their own minds. I remain interested in understanding, however. Ideas?
My situation is not typical either. Please stop assuming that every divorce mirrors yours.
For instance, here's a citation, abstract and link to one of the many studies by many researchers published in many scholarly journals over many years that consistently find that the most frequently cited reasons for initiating divorce are not the man's failure to earn as much money as the woman thinks he should, but the woman's feelings of emotional unfulfillment.
Reasons for divorce: Perspectives of divorcing men and women; Gigy, Lynn; Kelly, Joan B. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, Vol 18(1-2), 1992, 169-187. The most frequently cited factors were unmet emotional needs/growing apart, lifestyle differences or boredom with the marriage, and high-conflict demeaning relationships.
http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1993-25392-001
I'm not clear how exposing people to the best scientific research on a topic of considerable importance is doing them a disservice, especially when so many of them are burdened by closed-mindedness, ignorance and prejudice. But if you find my posts disturbing, by all means, don't read them. But I certainly don't assume that my experience, whatever it might be, is the universal one.
If it doesn't work, at least you've tried and put all your cards on the table. If it does, you might find that your level of happiness will not stay consistent throughout time, so be prepared to do this again as needed. Be sure to support your circle. We have smaller "villages" with our aging parents unable to help out much, everyone living so far away, and jobs shifting left and right.
We expect our partners to be the end all be all for us, to fulfill every single role we need: provider, partner, confidante, pal, friend, best friend, game buddy, fellow enthusiast, shoulder to cry on, pillar of strength, maid, butler, driver, guide, therapist, doctor, nurse, lover, romancer, ego stroker, arm candy, debater, landscaper, cook, IT helpdesk professional, priest, oracle, mentor, playmate, etc.
Yet we resist attempting to be all those things for our partners, and tend to resent it if we fulfill more roles or are expected to subdue our own needs.
Instead, opt to fulfill as many roles as possible OUTSIDE the marriage. Turn to friends, meetup groups, colleagues, relatives, neighbors, etc. instead.
If you have invested time, love, energy, money, blood, sweat and tears into your relationship, don't toss it out because of a mercurial nature. Our feelings change constantly. We can revise the past - and do that most of the time. You don't really see what's goingon, but what your filter tells you you think is going on. Lift the filter.
Especially if kids are involved. No matter how much you think a new partner or a separation from the current one will "make you feel better", the guilt and strain of a divorce will squelch most of that. Not to mention that the honeymoon phase will ALWAYS end. There will be a whole NEW set of issues with any potential partner. Staying alone doesn't work well, either. You tend to expect toomuch intimacy
The point of a marriage or partnership is to be there for each other, through thick and thin. The hard part is staying devoted even if you are temporarily unhappy. Most of us partner up because of mutual attraction, common interests, love, excitement, etc. There is a foundation there.
Some marriage can be severely tested. Job loss. Disease. Accidents. Cheating. Mental illness. Trauma. Legal issues. Abuse. Secrets revealed. Children getting sick or god forbid dying. Etc. In such cases, it may be too much.
Instead of just looking around and wondering whether or not you are happy enough, perhaps one should approach the marriage from a perspective of challenge. If you aren't dealing with a major issue, then it might appear to be incompatibility, or "irreconcilable differences". Except, even though we all grow and change, there is still that core foundation. And it's not the end of the world if we are close to someone who doesn't share our every hobby and opinion.