You want to know why divorce sucks?
I'm going to give it to you straight.
Divorce sucks because you have to deal with your ex on a regular basis if you have kids with them.
When there are no kids involved, you break up with somebody. You move on. You don't talk to that person. You heal. You feel good.
And then by the time you run into them, you feel great about yourself and they likely no longer affect you in any way, shape, or form.
But when you divorce somebody and you have children with them, then you've got to deal with them on an everyday basis.
There are constant phone calls, the barrage of e-mails, the fights -- just like you had when you were still married.
It's a nightmare.
And that's what sucks about the divorce process; it's ongoing and you don't get that time to heal. You have to constantly be in contact with the person that you no longer want to be in contact with.
When I break up with somebody, they're the last person I want to talk to. I want to heal. I want to feel like myself again. I want to meet new people. And I don't want to be reminded of the mistakes that I made and the person I was just with.
If you're fighting with your ex via e-mail, remember: e-mails are just words. They come from a person who you will never, ever get along with in the same way again.
They know how to push your buttons. They know how to re-engage you. They know how to make you fight with them. They know how to make you feel guilty.
It's your choice if you're going to buy into it. It's your choice if you're going to engage them.
The best thing to do is to put them on mute.
Should you be in contact with them because of the kids?
Yes.
The children are what's important. But if they try to engage you in some kind of argument, just say, "Hey, let's just keep it between you, me and the children."
Which is to say, "Let's talk about Bobby's braces and that's it, @#$^&!"
Be civil.
Moving on is really important, and it's sometimes really hard to move on when the relationship that ended is constantly being thrown in your face.
I know how it feels. I'm going through it.
I didn't enjoy speaking with my ex. I still don't. I like the time away from her. I need this time to heal and I think she deserves it, too.
But the business of divorce is about working out settlements, talking about the child or the house and having to constantly listen to that other stuff: their drama, their issues, their grievances.
I think it's rather silly to fight with somebody that you're no longer with.
The time after divorce should be about rising above everything and working on yourself.
I know it would be great to never see that person again. I'd prefer it. I'd love to never see my exes again or when I do see them again, I'd prefer to see them when I'm fine and I'm healed.
It's time for us to be a bit more honest about how we feel after divorce.
It's time for us to heal together.