How do you think your life -- and society in general -- would have benefited if, during your admitted past drug use, you were subject to the same criminal penalties as other Americans?

(Or, if your fig leaf is "I was in England, man!," then replace the last two words...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA...

"Every town hall meeting I have, someone shows up and advocates for medical marijuana, and, by the way, in all due respect, alleges that we are arresting the dead and the dying, and I still have not seen any evidence of that," McCain told his questioner.

Good to know...

HuffPo headline today: "CIA Bans Use Of Water-Boarding During Interrogations"

So, what, now they can only use it during breaks between interrogations?

Ba-dump-bump-gurgle.

(And, yes, I see that at least one commenter beat me to the day's easiest one-liner. C'est la vie.)

I always wondered what different information you'd...

Dear Consumer,

We understand you have purchased or otherwise received a "George Bush, Commander-in-Chief" model 2.0a ("GB-CIC2.0a" or "Bush"). Recent media reports have brought to our attention several serious flaws in this product, so we are warning all owners to take urgent action to protect themselves and their families.

Potentially...

The religion of mathematics -- and, yes, it IS a religion -- and its hysterical defenders simply have to back off with their tiny-minded name-calling and embrace tolerance.

I don't do much math myself, but, like the majority of Americans and right-thinking people around the world, I support "moderate" mathematics....

From NPR's Live Concert 12/28/2006 show, "James Brown in Concert:"
"The Godfather of Soul reaches into his vast catalog of hit songs for a night of music, recorded live from the 9:30 Club in Washington, D.C."

The Hardest Working Man in Show Business is backed by the Soul...

Now that the decider has decided that a bigger, bloodier nut cluster is better than no nut cluster at all, it's time everybody in America gets behind a victory plan against whoever we're fighting in Iraq. Forget all this namby-pamby wrangling over whether we should add twenty thousand, thirty thousand,...

(Having apparently failed in my attempt to offer myself up as a face-saving scapegoat for the entire Iraq SNAFU, I'm trying a different tack. This one, like the previous, is based on the only reality that the White House accepts: whatever they wish was true. -Dave)

Congratulations Mister Bush...

As the conventional wisdom on Iraq drifts from "there's no hope" to "there's no fucking hope in hell," it appears that the only thing keeping American troops in the line of fire is George Bush's unwillingness to accept blame for this colossal oopsie. So I have a simple solution...

We're seeing a lot of analysis (or "anal-ysis") about the factors that led to last week's boot-up-the-derriere for a (w)hole lot of Republicans. The war, sure. Stem cells and scandals and surprisingly strong Democrats, of course. But I think we're ignoring the smelly elephant in the room: the asshole factor.

In a couple of posts this year, I asked America to "Please, folks, vote these heartless, brainless, dickless pricks out of power."

I neglected, after last week's orderly, bloodless slaughter, to say, "Thank you." My humblest apologies for the oversight.

So, thank you.

What's the difference between John Kerry and Mark Foley?

Kerry only blew a page in his script.

The problem with all his logic and evidence and rationality is that he just doesn't understand how good nonsense feels.

Anyway, Bertrand Russell did it first.

Brian: "You're all different!"
Crowd, in unison: "Yes! We are all different!"
- Monty Python's Life of Brian

Are we all easily herded suckers? Every political ad thinks so. Each has this message: "good people think X, obviously. The anti-X crowd, obviously, is just bad/stupid/gay." We see these...

Congratulations! Because of your sexiness, you have been chosen to participate in the Connecticut Congressional Representative (!) Christopher Shays Sex Ring. Strip down and put someone's soiled panties over your face as we celebrate sensuality the GOP way!

This month, we're featuring an all-Abu Ghraib (sexy!) theme. Planned...

Now that the United States, or whatever the new incarnation will be called, has torched its inconvenient constitution specifically to please Osama bin Spookymonster, it'll probably need a new one. Just for looks, since we know constitutions are about as vital to a nation as celebrity memoirs.

The original constitution,...

"This debate is occurring because of the Supreme Court's ruling that said that we must conduct ourselves under the Common Article III of the Geneva Convention. And that Common Article III says that there will be no outrages upon human dignity. It's very vague. What does that mean, 'outrages upon...

Found on the computer of an ABC executive:

Dear Alphabetters,

I know you've been looking for a fic-doc piece that really flips that whole "9/11 happened while George Bush nappened" meme, and I think I have it. Based totally on my recollection of a 9/11 report I saw somewhere. Eyeball...

A slang-slingin' American-born Al Qaida asshole has extended a "special invitation" to American troops and others fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. The deal: Convert to Islam, and you won't go to Monopoly Hell. ("You know that if you die as an unbeliever in battle against the Muslims you're going...