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16 States to Criminalize "Gaywalking"

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In a move many are calling not-at-all-cynical and sincerely divorced-from-political-wedge-issue-fanning, Log Cabin-burning Republicans in 16 states, flush with their success preventing children from being "gaydopted," are pushing to ban "WWF." No, that's not the World Wrestling Federation or the World Wildlife Fund, though both of those things are pretty gay, it's "Walking While a Homosexual."

"Right now, those vile, evil, wretched sinners, who God loves, are able to just walk wherever they please, and that's just wrong," says Greg Quinland of the Ohio Pro-straightfamily Network. "And there is no truth to the rumours that I was teased mercilessly as a child with the nickname 'Queen-land' until I developed rabid, psychotic homophobia. Don't look at my pants. DON'T LOOK AT MY PANTS!"

The group and its affiliates have produced a DVD called "Why Can't Johnny Walk Around Without Fags Looking at his Pants?" which highlights the dangers of unrestricted gaywalking. In it, a high-school student leaves his house in the morning, goes to church, continues to school, enjoys a field trip to the zoo, goes back to church, goes to a different church, sneaks a brief unprotected anal encounter with his girlfriend Virginia, and comes home to sing with the family.

At each step he bumps into "Homoterrorists" who, in many shocking scenes, have unrestricted views of his firm, young body, its head of thick, tousled hair housing what must be an imminently recruitable mind. These sneaky sodomites never speak to "Johnny" or confront him in any way, but he feels their high-intensity "gaylight" and begins to question God, smart-mouth his parents, and express happiness when school is cancelled for snow or a shooting or whatever.

At the film's climax, "Johnny" almost talks to a gay but Jesus comes back (in a frankly overblown cameo by Senator Rick Santorum) and smites everybody -- including "Johnny" and the gay -- for allowing homosexuals to walk freely in the Holy Land of America.

"What about the civil liberties of that impressionable, firm, gorgeous young man who just turned legal?" asks Santorum's disturbingly salivating Jesus in a non-sequitur for the ages.

The anti-gaywalking measures specifically proscribe being gay on a public sidewalk, being gay within 500 miles of a school, and being gay with intent to distribute. They are expected to pass easily in the upcoming election cycle, paving the way for the 2008 election cycle's creeping menace: hot Milfs.