03/01/2006 04:46 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Blogging Valley Forge - Accepting Iscol's Challenge

"While reading some posts on this site, I often ask, what would some of this site's bloggers have written in Valley Forge alongside General Washington?"

-Zachary J. Iscol, decorated Marine, in his (exceptional and highly recommended) Huffington Post entry "Chicken Little"

The problem with entering into this way-too-easy strawman argument (especially at the end of an otherwise impressively lucid piece -- not even ironically or condescendingly) isn't that my Napoleon Dynamite time machine only takes me back to about fifteen seconds before I plugged it in; the problem is that Iscol's borrowed-from-many-right-wing-vacuum-head-bloogers argumentlet assumes a war is a war is a war. Sure, they share bloodiness, frequent stupidity, and "fog," but aside from that, all wars are individual.

In this war, George W. Bush isn't fighting the imperial forces to bring freedom to an oppressed people, despite his speechwriting team's rhetorical clinginess to those ideals. Were he apparently failing -- like Washington at Valley Forge -- while engaged in a noble effort against long odds, you'd see plenty of Rah-Rahs on these pages. Go, George! Accomplish that Mission!

But this is not the American revolution. It's not even, necessarily, the Iraqi revolution, since despite the purple finger thing they appear to have almost no say in the future of the country. It's a plain, tragically bumbling power grab by Bush. Whether that works out for him or not -- and either way our soldiers pay the price -- isn't the point. This war is still just a cynical political football game to the administration, definitely not the kind of thing that would -- or should -- see us painting our faces and cheering half-naked in the snow.

Hop into the Time Chasers Commodore 64- (possibly Amiga-)powered airplane with me and we'll take this shamelessly troop-lovin' war skeptic's blog to Valley Forge.

George v. George in the Forge

As Prince George, the hereditarily privileged idiot son ostensibly at the helm of this empire, continues to sit comfortably in his palace, real soldiers are fighting and dying in a place most of us will never see: Valley Forge.

Despite having abysmal equipment, no uniforms, and damned little to eat (our American George correctly said Congress isn't supporting the troops: "they [the Congress] seem to have little feeling for the naked and distressed soldiers. I feel superabundantly for them, and from my soul pity those miseries, which it is neither in my power to relieve or prevent."), our soldiers are STANDING UP against the evil empire. Screw typhus! Screw dysentery! They're busting their humps in the balls-deep SNOW to send this foreign George's troops packing.

It's time for the hawk-chickens at the Congress-in-exile's "undisclosed location" (you know it's York, Pa. right?) to cough up the necessary dough, medical care, and training for our fighting men. And for Baby Koresh's sake, GET RECRUITMENT UP! Swallow your stupid racist price and compensate the free blacks and slaves, already! We need more boots on the snowy ground, including boots on the existing soldiers' frostbitten feet, even if it means accepting help from the French! (The "tinfoil beret" rumor mill says Lafayette -- not exactly chummy with our enemy unless "chummy" means hoping to turn them into shark-tank chum -- is open to sending a few regiments over here, which would get him kisses all over his cheeks from us in the hopeful American caucus.)

For now, brave George, remember that the country is behind you, even if our "representatives" in the Congrefs are too politically tone-deaf and obdurate to express it.