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Davis Sweet Headshot

Bush Lecture Fails to Stop War

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In what some are calling "the whine heard 'round the world," George W-is-not-for-"whiner"-so-stop-saying-that Bush stamped his little feet this weekend and lectured the Iraqi people about the badness of their violence.

"You can't just go around doing violence," he said, wiping his nose on one of the many nearby flags. "It's... violent!"

Mr. Bush surprised many observers by then explaining, honestly and cogently, his view of how violence works in a civil society. 12 hours later, the speech was broadcast, with the official Fox News podium crawl relaying an AP story by Robert H. Reid on the speech's immediate repercussions, mashed up here without permission.

"Look, we governments spend a lot of time and money preparing to do violence, doing violence, promoting violence... covering up violence... that part's complicated."

A car bomb exploded in the Shiite holy city of Karbala, killing at least six people, hospital officials said.

"But the thing is, we spend all those resources pacifically [sic] so we have the franchise on deciding where the killin' and manglin' and whatnot happens."

Gunmen broke into a Shiite home northeast of Baghdad and massacred 13 male members, police said.

"It's a government show. We need what I call a mass killing pressure valve to regulate wages, oil prices, populations, and all kinds of macroeconomic doodads."

Bodies of 14 Iraqi police commandos were found near their three burned vehicles near a Sunni mosque in southwestern Baghdad, police Maj. Falah al-Mohammedawi said.

"See, presidents, kings, prime ministers, warlords, we're all the same thing: we're the one guy with all the triggers."

Two rockets slammed into Baghdad's Shiite slum, Sadr City, killing three people, including a child, and wounding seven, police said.

"Sure, we got different hats and cars and some of us got a moustache, but we're all basically the same guy."

Two Iraqi security officers were killed and four other people were wounded when a car bomb exploded as mourners left a cemetery in western Baghdad.

"People trust us to make these big bloodshed-type decisions. We kinda have to assume that part, because we don't actually let 'em vote on that."

At least 21 other people died in small-scale shootings and bombings in Baghdad and western areas of the city, according to police and hospital reports.

"But when freelance terrorists like y'all start fighting in the middle of our official battlefields, it not only messes up our calculations, it disrespects the very officials who keep those battlefields going -- for you!"

Gunmen also shot at two Sunni mosques in Baghdad Saturday, police said.

"So let's all get onboard with our well-regulated militias and stop all this taking the death into your own hands. Please? God bless you, or Allah or whatever, and God or somebody bless the United States of America. Hey, did y'all hear a car bomb?"

White House officials blamed the speech's utter failure to staunch the blood flow on the inability of many Iraqis to understand macroeconomics and cowboy English. Several cargo planes full of economics texts are being rushed to the least actually-in-flames parts of the country.