THE BLOG
09/29/2006 09:23 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Consti2tion

Now that the United States, or whatever the new incarnation will be called, has torched its inconvenient constitution specifically to please Osama bin Spookymonster, it'll probably need a new one. Just for looks, since we know constitutions are about as vital to a nation as celebrity memoirs.

The original constitution, the always-buggy 1.0 version, was based on a couple radical ideas: that this country is not a monarchy; that people have freedoms beyond the reach of the government; that if the government gets up your ass (figuratively or otherwise), you'll get a fair chance at justice. Good stuff. But the framers may as well have made the whole thing one of those "You might be a redneck" chainmails, since as soon as it showed up on Bush's desktop, he giggled himself into fits of involuntary urination and then deleted it.

The constitution's system of laws (R.I.P.) was based on proof. Evidence. Magna Carta stuff like the requirement that the government demostrate, not just assert, "Her blood is in the flippin' Bronco, Your Honor!" (That's in there, but in Olde English. "Har blud bee narf veeking Broncoe, Yore Honour!" I was surprised too.) Rumors, suspicions, and fantasies might take the place of evidence for kings and despots, but not this new nation of the brave and civilized. Inspiring, really. Ideals so strong you could build a superpower on 'em, with bold citizens and non-citizens willing to die to make sure that core document stood for something.

Until it got too weird for Sleepy Bush, that is. "Proof?!" he whined. "Like those millions of scientific studies by la-di-dah eggheads with their thermometers and compasses and spatulas that show all kinds of evidence and crap, like that oh-so-convenient theory about the moon goin' 'round the... or is it earth goin' 'round the... where's my soft pillow Pilly?" Again thanks to one way-too-churchy psychopathic spoiled brat caveman (not Bush in this case; Osama), evidence is now actually beneath fantasy and suspicion in the American book of "Why We Get To Lock You in a Cage and Do Horrible Things To You, Nyah."

So let's recap. No mo constitutio. What do we put in its place?

I humbly suggest an honest document, just to quash the howling hypocrisy. Now that Bush has all the privileges of a monarch, put it right there in the title. "constitution 2.0: The constitution of King George." Since we've totally rejected any kind of morality, civilization, and even physical reality, go ahead and make that the text. "His Majestic Codpiece gets to do whatever he likes, even if it's retarded or impossible, end of conversation, zzzip!" There's something appealing about a one-line constitution, like Burger King has. "Have it your way." In this case, "Have it George's way." Put that on the money in place of those creepy cyclops pyramids and way-too-spread eagles.

When our foreign cousins ask, "What does your country stand for?" we'll no longer have to say, "Well... technically we have laws, and a citizen president, and all kinds of things you could see yourself charging onto Omaha Beach to protect, but in practice it's pretty much North Korea with food." We'll be able to say, "Read the money, Czech Republic-y!"

Of course, we could just introduce the old constitution as a replacement for the heavily stained and redacted version Bush and his co-conspirators have left us with. Like in 1995, when Newt and his knee-breakers took over Congress, Congressman and relatively brave soul Mel Watt introduced the entire text of the Fourth Amendment as a bill. The fourth pillar in the flippin' Bill of Rights was presented to the flag-humpin' Republicans for their approval and... thanks for playin', you old bit of yellowing paper, we have some lovely parting gifts for you. What do you think this crowd of the loudly cowed would do if they got to vote on the entire, no-asterisks-needed big-C Constitution? Well, we know now, don't we? They'd let urine sprinkle on it through an air vent, "accidentally" flush it down a toilet, and treat it with the same contempt they display whenever anything stands between them and a sadomasochistic orgy.

Not that there was ever a risk that someone would cock-block the horny-for-torture majority, of course, because that would require people in government with working cojones. Senators who would say, "You know that oath I took to protect this centuries-old scribble that made my country the light of the world? Maybe I should honor that oath, even if it means I'll get one less lobbying gig after I leave office."

As we approach Electionlet 2006, with hundreds of millions of dollars in teevee ads telling us why one bozo will be able to suck up more government money for the local economy than the other bozo, a lot of us have been thinking, "This time, if we get some more Democratic bozos in there, maybe we can restore some balance and sense to this intentionally messy system." But this week's constitution evisceration party -- with about a quarter of ostensible Democrats tripping over themselves to get in their stabs -- means that there's zero point in voting. Neither the Congress nor the Supreme Court they confirm has any impact on how this place is run. Both houses could go 110% Democratic, and America would still suffer under one-ruler rule. The three-branch government laid out by the so-cute-you-just-want-to-pinch-their-naïve-little-oojie-boojie-cheeks founders has collapsed, under the weight of Bush's monumental weakness, into one big finger.

Come to think of it, that single finger is probably a pretty accurate replacement for the constitution. C2: Fuck you.

See also Tony Hendra's newly accurate Bill of Rights. Somewhat wordier than the single-finger constitution, but the spirit's still there.