09/06/2006 09:35 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Leaked Pitch to ABC: "The Path to 9/11"

Found on the computer of an ABC executive:

Dear Alphabetters,

I know you've been looking for a fic-doc piece that really flips that whole "9/11 happened while George Bush nappened" meme, and I think I have it. Based totally on my recollection of a 9/11 report I saw somewhere. Eyeball this and courier me a check.

Fade in.
Interior, cockpit of Alaska Flight 48, which we all know was the first to hit the World Train Center's East Tower. The Iraq-o-fascist hijackers are washing down their pork rinds with French beer. Mohammed Attaturk says, "Everybody stay coolio. Couple minutes from now, we'll all be kickin' back in Nirvana with thirty-two technical virgins. Holy Moses that'll be awesome!" Music swells ominously.

Cut to:
Interior, gradeschool hallway. President of the United States Bush stands tall and firm, toying with his staff. "National Security Advisor Rice," he says. "Are you keeping a vigilant eye on every hint of activity from our Afghan terrorist nemeses in the Middle East?" Condi blushes, kinda, and says, "Sir, of course you are testing me. Afghanistan is in Asia, not the Middle East." President of the United States Bush winks and swaggers, says, "Let's roll," and they enter the classroom.

Interior, busy Crawford command center. Day-at-a-time calendar tells us it's Augtober fourth, home of the infamous Presidential Daily Show Briefing. Henrietta Meyers, future almost Supreme Courtier, rushes into the busy President of the United States's busy, busy presence urgently waving the memo. "Sir! Sir!" she shouts. "Omaha Ben Landon is determined to strike within the Jewess! I bet it's Streisand!" President of the United States Bush takes the memo and studies it, his eyes hard. "Dang it!" he shouts. "This is historical, and you are hysterical!" He slaps Henrietta, who thanks him.

Cut to:
Interior, cockpit. Attaturk flies the maguffin and hints to his fellow hijackers at the third act twist. "Brothers and Sisters, we must make sure our earthly bodies are covered in evidence linking us to Omaha Ben Landon." Tight close-up, and he says, "They'll never know who our real master is." Evil laugh, and...

Cut to:
Interior, classroom. President of the United States Bush holds what looks like a normal children's book. Tracking shot brings us around to see what's really on the page, and it's actually a high-tech display showing the locations and up-to-the-minute status of each threat to the republic, foreign and domestic.

Cut to:
Interior, cockpit. Attaturk continues to laugh evilly, shouting "Viva La France!" as his plane crashes into the tower.

Cut to:
Interior, gradeschool hallway. The President of the United States's key advisors are notified that the plane has crashed. "What do we do?" they say in unison, like one of those funny takes from Disney's "Shaggy Dog" era. Plant: there is a suspicious knocking from the inside of one of the lockers, but they assume it's one of the children who's been left behind. The advisors dither for a while, decide to go to the only man who can guide them: President of the United States Bush! They all rush into the classroom, seeing on the high-tech screen over his shoulder that the President of the United States is already well aware of the situation. One brave soul (I don't remember who, so I'll say it was Tony Snow) goes forward to ask for guidance. "Sir," he says, "what do we do?" President of the United States Bush whispers back, "We just sit here and let it happen." Snow says, "Pardon?" President of the United States Bush shields his face and Snow's behind the goat book, ominous music, and he PEELS OFF THE RUBBER MASK, just like they always did in MISSION: ACCOMPLISHED! Under it HE'S CLINTON! Laughing evilly! Payoff from fake Bush: "Your boss is in the locker, you freedom-loving fools!"

Cut to:
Bloody American white infant being pulled from the rubble of the destroyed triplet towers. A gruff, battle-hardened policeman squints into the sun, the child hanging limply in his hands, and says, "What bastard allowed this to happen?" Superimpose Clinton's laughing face over the rubble when he says the word "bastard."

"This movie is the entirely truthful official account the mainstream media, relevant experts, and historians don't want you to know about. Unless you vote Republican in the upcoming elections, the Middle East will immigrate to Middle America and you'll have to watch your neighbors behead your pets."

Fade out.

Stretch it out to a couple nights, get some (hint) right-thinking bloggers to drum up some buzz, and listen to those cash registers pay off in spades!

On a personal note, this is the way the story should be told. Make sure it happens, and make really sure I get that check.

Yours truthily,

PS - If you can get Donnie Wahlberg, even in a cameo to lend some gravitas, I'll be the giddiest girl at the ball.