In my last post, Why We Tolerate Jerks, I mentioned my book, All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise. Not surprisingly, I got questioned about the title being derogatory to men. It's not male bashing. I believe that all women are jerks until proven otherwise too. The expression simply means take your time to get to know someone well -- male or female -- so they can earn your trust instead of giving it away. It's about protecting yourself from potential disappointment.
Many people get sucked into words or promises they want to hear by a potential romantic partner like dust into a vacuum cleaner. Women who are anxious to be in a relationship are vulnerable to men with all the right moves. They get caught up in the initial rush and don't wait to see if he follows through on what he says with actions. Remembering that all people might be jerks can temper that impulse to jump in.
Women come to me often with disillusionment about a guy they allowed to sweep them off their feet immediately, without waiting to get to know all his facets. I advise them to think to themselves -- All men are jerks until proven otherwise -- upon meeting a man, as a survival technique to not give themselves away, a reminder not to take anyone seriously too soon.
Men also get sucked in by women they're very attracted to who act sweet and agreeable until they get serious. Most people are on their best behavior when meeting someone they like. Then as time goes on, the person changes in ways we don't like. Often what you see later is who the person really is. I hear:
• "He's controlling and won't let me see my friends."
• "She's become so needy that I have to constantly deal with her fragile emotions."
• "He used to be so romantic and now all he does is criticize."
• "She acted like she thought I was a great guy but now keeps trying to change me."
This stuff is common, especially for people who dive in hot and heavy soon after meeting someone they like. That's why it's so important to filter your immediate impression of a new romantic attraction until they've earned your trust in many ways over a period of time.
This also applies to jumping into friendships. I once met a freelance writer who lived near me. We were thrilled to have a friend nearby and immediately began meeting often for coffee and long chats, which I enjoyed at first. She was intelligent and our conversations about writing issues were interesting. But as I got to know her better, I grew uneasy as I recognized that she was a major mental mess.
Her perspective of life was very negative. She dumped the same problems on me, over and over. When I tried to offer advice she took it like a personal attack instead of a practical suggestion. She had bad things happen to her often. As a believer in the Law of Attraction, I knew why. When I realized I almost always felt down after interacting with her, I slowly cut ties.
We'd jumped in too fast after connecting as freelancers and I got deeply caught up in her drama before knowing her well. Now I think--All people are jerks until proven otherwise --when meeting someone new as a reminder to take my time to get to know the person on all levels, not just one that satisfies a need. It's synonymous with don't trust people until they've truly proven themselves with actions over time and follow through on promises.
We get ourselves in trouble by jumping into relationships too quickly. We trust before it's earned, and assume people are nice because nice things are said. Do I think most people are jerks? No! Far from that. I believe that one person's jerk can be another one's treasure if boundaries are set from the beginning and you take it slow.
If you get to know someone very well before investing a lot emotionally and making him/her a big part of your life, you'll save yourself a lot of heartache, and have a better chance of developing a relationship that's healthy. If the person is for real, he/she will prove otherwise if you give them time.
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"I, too, am a jerk until proven otherwise."
To others, I am a potential jerk. So it is up to me to set parameters on my behavior as well. I need to remember that people are better mirrors than anything else. If I expect others to act like jerks, my natural uptightness might just trigger a jerk reaction. On the other hand, very few people actually think they are jerks. They believe they are acting reasonably. So as I interact with others, I have to remember that I don't know everything that has gone into their behavior. People have learned to deal with hurt, disappointment, rejection, and the unexpected in their own unique ways. Not every "jerk" reaction toward me is really about me -- or even about them.
I try to take people with openness. Yes, it allows me to get hurt. But it also means I am more likely to get to understand someone than I would be if I had my defenses up. I do take time developing relationships. People need space. I don't need to crowd them. And I want to be absolutely sincere. I try to give the same grace to others I want to be given. And at times I have found that "the jerks" really aren't jerks after all -- just misunderstood.
Yes, there are real jerks out there. But remembering my own potential jerkiness helps smooth interactions.
As for personal experience I have had several jerky people come into to my life that truly benefited me. One in particular was a miserable neighbor of mine who I befriended- she was loud, inconsiderate, vicious and just a horrible person to be around and she wound up saving my cat's life of which I was so very grateful. Sometimes its best to take a deep breath and ask for compassion for these people. Often they act that way because they do what they have been taught and dont know how else to be. The important thing is to not take their behavior personally and certainly dont get trapped in their toxicity. It also helps to be centered yourself - you are less vulnerable to be caught in their dysfunctional games.
I kind of like it, although I've been so freaking busy lately that I haven't had a chance to test it out on anyone new! :-)
If you have to walk by two different people on a sidewalk your going to walk closer or around the one you instantly make the judgement the you trust more than the other. I don't think a book or article is going to change human nature.
- A Man
9 times out of 10 people will pleasantly surprise you!
See if they treat the staff in a restaurant with courtesy and respect.
Watch how they treat people who can't do anything for them.
The rest is building a relationship. Any couple that expects to work things out in less then a few years is seriously deluded.
Be smart enough to know when he or she is better at some aspect of living together. (I cook, she does the laundry. I invest, she does the budget.)
Know when it’s not important enough to argue over.
As far men are concerned when it comes to women, we need to learn the code:
1. Don’t advise unless she asks. Just listen.
2. Always treat her with respect.
3. Figure out the “He loves me code”; for some women it’s flowers, for others it might helping with the house work. For some it’s presents. For each woman it will be a different combination of things.
Speak for yourself. Many people miss chances by being too reticent.
We should give some degree of trust freely. Most people are fairly decent. Treating them like jerks, without cause, amounts to being a jerk yourself.
Having a basic degree of trust simply doesn't mean jumping into romantic relationships at random for no good reason. Even if you did foolishly trust everyone absolutely, it still wouldn't mean jumping into romantic relationships and random. If you find yourself doing so, you have worse problems than an excess of trust.
better than too much
emotional time
misspent
You'd be a fun date.........