"If China Calls, Tell Them I'm Not Home."

04/15/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Times just got even tougher for President Obama -- if that's even possible. Not only does he have to deal with the horrific economy, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and pirates, he now has to give China assurances that its $1 trillion investment in American bonds is safe. But what if the Chinese aren't satisfied and want their money back? Will China start chasing President Obama like a typical bill collector?

As a comedian, I have had to deal with my share of debt collectors in the past so I wanted to offer some advice to President Obama on how to best avoid China if they start trying to collect their trillion dollars:

1. Instruct everyone in the White House that if China calls to say: "I'm not home." There is no worse give away to a debt collector that you are ducking them than when they call looking for you and someone in your house picks up the phone and says: "Yes, President Obama is right here -- let me get him." And then after a few minutes of China hearing muffled voices, the person comes back on the phone and says: "You know -- I thought the President was here, he must have just stepped out." You are so busted -- so plan ahead and avoid this awkwardness.

By the way, if you really want to be daring, when China calls, have the White House operators tell them you moved. If China asks the operator for your forwarding information, give them George W. Bush's current address and phone number. After all, he is one who should be paying this debt.

2. If China does get you on the phone, pretend you're somebody else. I understand that you are the President of the United States and not just some guy who owes the student loan people a few thousand dollars, but believe me this one works every time as long as you commit to it. So if one day you pick up the phone and China says: "Hello, President Obama, we need to talk to you about the trillion dollars you owe us," you have to respond calmly and confidently: "Sorry, this isn't the President, it's his roommate Steve." They will probably say: "You sound like President Obama," to which you respond while laughing a little: "Yeah, I get that all the time. No, it's Steve -- can I give President Obama a message?" Believe me, this tactic has a proven track record.

3. Don't order any Chinese food to be delivered to the White House until this issue is resolved. Why you might ask? Simple, the Chinese government might substitute the Chinese food delivery guy with a representative of the Chinese government. So while you think you are getting Sesame Chicken for $11.75, instead you are handed a bill for one trillion and eleven dollars and 75 cents. If that does happen, pretend you left the trillion dollars on your desk and go back into the White House and lock the guy out. I know it seems rude but eventually the delivery guy will leave. (Also don't forget to take the sesame chicken in with you before locking the guy out.)

4. If things really get bad, my final advice is to consider alternative sources of income to pay the Chinese government back such as going on a game show like "Who wants to be a millionaire?" or "Deal or No Deal." You could make some good money on those shows. Or what about "Jeopardy?" This game is perfect for you, plus when you get to the "Jeopardy Daily Double" and Alex Trebek asks for your wager, you say: "1 trillion dollars." If you win, you have the money to pay China, if you lose, at this point, really what's another trillion dollars in debt.