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Dean Obeidallah Headshot

Pirates??!!

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Pirates!!! That's right, there are friggin' pirates!! What year is this?! What's next -- a scurvy outbreak? Witches? Man, I can't wait for the Industrial revolution to finally get here.

When I read the headline today: "US ship hijacked by Pirates" -- I thought I was reading "The Onion." But it's real. While Somalian pirates have been hijacking ships for over a year, this was the first time they took a US flagged ship for ransom.

To make it more ridiculous -- if that's even possible -- there actually is a pirate "spokesperson" who speaks to the media and responds to the ransom offers on behalf of the pirates. A "pirate spokesperson?!" Who would take this job? After a little research I found that the pirate spokesperson is actually Ryan Seacrest. It's one of the 15 jobs this guy has.

(Parenthetically I should note that a friend of mine who was laid off from his job at a New York City public relations firm mentioned that in these tough economic times he would consider applying for the job of pirate spokesperson if it opened up. He assures me that if the position of pirate spokesperson was posted on Craig's List, the pirates would get hundreds of resumes.)

So what can President Obama do to stop these pirates? Maybe he should send Johnny Depp in?! He was great as Captain Jack Sparrow dealing with the pirates in "The Pirates of the Caribbean" movies. Maybe we can offer the Somalian pirates their own ride at Disney World.

Or in the vein of the "Alien versus Predator" movie, we can pit the Pirates of the Caribbean versus the Pirates of the Somali Coast -- but I think the Somali pirates might have the edge since an AK-47 beats a knife everytime.

Maybe President Obama can appeal to the Somalian pirates as a person of common African heritage -- sort of like a "Give a brother a break" plea. If that doesn't work perhaps President Obama needs to send in a pirate envoy to speak with them -- I personally nominate Rush Limbaugh -- I think he would look great with an eye patch and a parrot on his shoulder. (Okay, I'll be honest, I'm not sure if Rush would be good at this but I'm just looking for any way to get him out of the country.)

We know that whatever President Obama does he will be criticized by the pundits on the right. However, President Obama has the ultimate response to these people -- he can just go on TV and say: "You don't like me -- I can bring Bush back." I get a sense that even Republicans will say "Okay, we will give you a little more time."

I just hope that President Obama can solve this one right away so he can focus on the bigger issues such as the economy, North Korea, Iraq and of course making sure no one robs the stagecoach or the pony express.