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Dean Obeidallah

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Which Republican Presidential Candidate Would Win The Hunger Games?

Posted: 04/ 3/2012 11:33 am

I know there are clearly more pressing issues in the country and the world than this question, but after seeing The Hunger Games last night, I could not help but wonder: If the four remaining Republican Presidential candidates were contestants in The Hunger Games, who would win?

From an electoral point of view, it appears that Mitt Romney will soon lock up the GOP nomination. As of the writing of the article, Mitt Romney is leading the Republican field with 568 delegates and will likely add nearly 100 more delegates with expected wins Tuesday in primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin and Washington, DC. Rick Santorum is stuck at 273 delegates, Newt Gingrich is way behind at 135 delegates and Ron Paul has only 50 more delegates than me and I'm not even running for the nomination.

But when you put these four candidates on the field of battle in The Hunger Games, the results might be different.

For those unaware of the concept of The Hunger Games, the contestants in this "game" are deposited into a small forest for the ultimate reality show. There is only one winner -- the one who is still breathing. And it's all televised so that the home audience can cheer and jeer the person they love or hate, which is not unlike the Republican presidential debates.

So lets look at the contestants.

First up, Ron Paul: He is a doctor and did serve in the U.S. Military which is an asset. But at 76-years-old, I don't think he would last long in the rugged conditions or in hand to hand combat. Sorry to all the Paul people out there, but in The Hunger Games, there is no room for sympathy. So Paul is out.

Next up, Newt Gingrich. Arguably the smartest of the four contestants. But he is often arrogant -- which, as anyone who has seen the movie can tell you, could be a tragic flaw.

Plus Newt loves to talk and talk and talk. In the woods of The Hunger Games, you often must be silent to save your life. Talking is the equivalent of lighting a fire at night, it will likely lead to your demise. So let's happily say goodbye to Newt.

To me, the real battle is between Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum. Mitt Romney -- with his wealth -- would be able to hire the best people to train him, just like those from District 1 did in The Hunger Games. Romney would be thoroughly schooled in the art of survival and combat.

Plus with his wealthy NASCAR team owning friends, he would have no problems finding sponsors. The sky would be filled with little balloons of gifts for Mitt.

And even though Romney is 12 years older than Santorum -- Romney is 65 to Santorum's 53 -- he is still in good shape. In fact, he may be in better shape than Santorum as evidenced by the shirtless photo of Santorum taken a few weeks ago in Puerto Rico.

But despite the fact that I truly hate many of his political views, I'm going to have to pick Rick Santorum. The biggest reason is that I see a parallel with him and The Hunger Games' Katniss Everdeen: Both their father's were coal miners. For many, that blue-collar upbringing fuels a desire to succeed and prove themselves. It did for Katniss and I think it would for Santorum as well.

However, just as in The Hunger Games, if a rule change were announced to allow a couple in love to win -- there is a chance that Mitt Romney would propose to Ron Paul. Romney has been known to change his positions to win in the past. Of course, it wouldn't be a true marriage, just one of convenience so that he could defeat Santorum. Sometimes fiction can eerily mirror reality.

Overall, I think that our current primary system is a slightly better way to choose our candidates. But if we did pick our elected officials using The Hunger Games method, it would be quicker and a lot more fun for the rest of us to watch.

 

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