THE BLOG

Site Stroke

05/05/2015 02:26 am ET | Updated May 04, 2016

I've done some imbecilic things in my life but nothing tops trying to build my own website without professional help. What I thought would be a fun weekend project made me go gray in places I didn't know I had hair.

Yes, it crossed my mind it might be harder than it looks but everyone I know has a blog these days so I figured I'd get plenty of help if I ran into trouble. Never have I been so utterly deluded.

What was I thinking? Was I briefly insane? Infused with that false bravado so unique to American men, I ignored the instructions and purchased instead the just-for-chumps eBook, How To Launch A Blog In Under Hour. After reading it I was lucky to find the cursor in under an hour.

Thus began my journey through a flatland fantasia of crazy-maze menus and links leading nowhere until I'd somehow created a latter-day version of the Winchester House. I have no idea how I escaped.

Looking back, I could have spent my time on any number of saner pursuits. Hang gliding over Beirut comes to mind or paddling the Bermuda Triangle in a papyrus canoe. Instead, I was destined to learn two timeless and immutable truths:

1) The minute you start to build own site, friends disperse like spooked baboons.

2) Any relief you get calling third world support will be offset by the fact you can't understand what they say.

As for my friends who did nothing to help, you are forgiven. Even though most of you have smart phones that do everything but make French Toast, I believe you when you say you haven't gotten my calls in months. I also believe if I came to your house begging for help, you wouldn't answer to the door if The Beatles were playing on your porch.

Yesterday, I concluded the only thing innovative about my site is an eye-burning color scheme visible from across the street. I almost convinced myself this had artistic merit until my mother, of all people, labelled it "Ebola At Baskin-Robbins."

I've launched the site anyway and at this point I don't care who likes it. Consider this my mission statement, or more to the point, my fission statement. Not that I'm the type that blows his stack but if it's true that some people spontaneously combust, I've got to be getting pretty close.

Taken from Dean's funny autobiography, Going Sane, the story of a deejay facing his top ten addictions. Follow Dean at www.goingsane.net