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The New Obama Biography: Seven New Conspiracy Theories the Radical Fringe Will Come Up With

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These are hard times for birthers. The moment seems to have passed, the "evidence" rejected. But salvation awaits! David Maraniss's exhaustive biography, Barack Obama: The Story, stretching from before his birth to the start of his political career, is out this month -- and sure to inspire a new wave of conspiracy theories about our Kenyan Muslim commie in chief. We put on our tinfoil hat to predict the paranoias to come.

Page 159: "Other women -- previous girlfriends, later girlfriends and wives -- would say that [Barack Obama's father] had an intense sexual magnetism that seemed irresistible."

SEXERS: Far from coincidental, Obama senior's Intense Sexual Magnetism, or ISM, was obtained by Kenyan revolutionaries through the Soviets, who undermined British rule with a program of long walks and mind-blowing sex.

Page 167: "When the birth notice appeared in the Star-Bulletin... the parents were identified as Mr. and Mrs. Barack H. Obama and their home address was listed as 6085 Kalanianaole Highway."

KALERS: Although Kalanianaole appears to be an innocent street name, it is also an anagram for "Anal Kale-onia" -- a bizarre colonic treatment soon to become mandatory under Obamacare.

Page 167: "On August 4, 1961, the day Barry Obama was born, Life magazine's cover featured a portrait of President Kennedy and a quote from his recent speech on the Berlin Crisis... "

BERLINERS: While ostensibly a reference to the impending division of the German capital, "the Berlin Crisis" is clearly a coded reference to Obama's true place of birth, where he was born on August 4 under his true name: Adolf Kaiser Wilhelm Hindenberg Hussein Obama.

Page 167: "Ibu Ita once brought home a slice of cake from the best bakery in town, Maison Benny, and left it on the dinner table for her family. Barry came in and 'ate the whole thing' before anyone else saw it."

CAKERS: According to the growing "Cakers" movement, Obama's early dessert-filching in Indonesia prefigured a larger pattern of tart-larceny that has heretofore been covered up by the liberal media. During a meeting with Nicolas Sarkozy in 2011 Obama nearly sparked an international crisis when he devoured an entire tray of coffee éclairs that was supposed to be shared by everyone.

Page 283: "Basketball soon was Barry's [Obama's] sport... Yet there is... another connection that goes back through Barry's white ancestors and their Kansas homeland. Basketball was invented by James Naismith, who came to the University of Kansas to teach and coach the new sport only a few years after writing its rules."

BALLERS: Can it be that Naismith came up with basketball in 1891 not just as a form of exercise but as an elaborate vehicle to enable the moderately athletic mixed-race grandson of his fellow Kansans to build the necessary confidence and leadership skills to one day capture the White House? Naturally, there is no way to definitively answer this question. But the answer is yes.

Page 445: "Obama provided the stereo and most of the records, a collection he had started to build at Occidental: Stevie Wonder, Van Morrison, Bob Dylan, Talking Heads, Bob Marley..."

BYRNERS: Adds further legitimacy to those who contend that Obama usurped the presidency with the sole purpose of installing Talking Heads' 1985 hit "And She Was" as the national anthem.

Page 473: "[An acquaintance] remembered that Obama would lounge around, drinking coffee and filling out the New York Times crossword puzzle, bare-chested, wearing a blue-and-white sarong."

SARONGERS: Whoa. Wow. Whoa. Whoa. This is worse than we thought.

By Yoni Brenner, GQ

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