Tiger Woods: Predator Or Prey?

Day after day, they are slithering out into the limelight to catch their moment of fame. One by one, they are exposing Tiger's hidden shame -- a porn star, a pancake waitress, a model, a VIP hostess, a club promoter. Is it because they are good, upstanding women who seek to help Tiger and his family heal or is it because they are hurt, wounded and desperate for justice? I suggest it is neither.

It's easy to examine Tiger's behavior, to be disappointed and to wonder why he would blow it all. And although I am not at all letting Tiger off the hook for his indiscretion and the pain he has caused his family, supporters and sponsors, I think it's worthy of our time to spotlight the nature of the other women who make it possible for our great heroes to easily fall from grace. We all know that it takes two to tango, and finding a woman to sleep with a famous married athlete is as easy as Tiger shooting par. These women are everywhere -- looking, planning and scheming to find their next catch. I have worked with many of them over the years who have tried to get off their drug of choice -- other women's husbands. For the women whose tastes are for high-powered, highly visible celebrities, it is often harder. Why? The gifts are bigger, the false esteem is greater, and the hunger to be something or someone in the world is insatiable. They will do anything to lure their hunt.

To shed further light on these women, here is a profile of the Seductress from my book Why Good People Do Bad Things: How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy:

The Seductress is after one thing and one thing only: to make herself feel better about who she is. Birthed out of the fear that she is not good enough, loved enough, and does not belong unless she is the object of someone's attention, she searches until she finds a suitable target to trap in her energetic web. She's considered a predator because her main goal is to feed on the self-esteem of another in order to soothe her own emotional wounds. The Seductress literally throws out an energetic hook by being kind, loving, interested, and sexual -- luring her next victim closer, all the while planning her next move. She spends her time thinking about how she looks and how others will perceive her. Her "catch," so to speak, enhances her inner perception of herself and covers, at least for the moment, the enormous pain and self-loathing that are stored in her psyche.

The danger of the Seductress is that she doesn't know her real motives, and her victims cannot see them. She doesn't care who she hurts or what costs her next victim will incur. Her motives and moves develop in time as she learns the insecurities and vulnerabilities of her prey. We would think her prey would be just men -- often married (a bigger kill, so she thinks) -- but they can be co-workers, a boss, other women, or anyone else in a position to serve her greater mission: to take others' light and use it to fill the dark hole of her own emptiness. She will generally surround herself with those who are weaker than she is -- but will pursue those who appear to be more powerful. Dangerous, poisonous, and venomous are the qualities I use to describe the Seductress, because her main attack is disguised as "love." Her signal broadcasts in all directions, sometimes loudly and at other times as a soft whisper: "I will give you some love if you give me your power. I am going to make you feel better about yourself if you give me some control. I am going to tell you everything you ever wanted to hear if you just make me the object of your attention."

What we have to understand is that the Seductress' shame, the shadow that drives her behavior, is that she is unimportant, undesirable, self-hating, unlovable, and empty. To heal her shame, the Seductress must come to terms with and recognize that her craving for attention, admiration, and affection of others is a desperate cry from her inner world that she needs help. She needs to find her own value and gifts -- something that no man can give her. When she realizes that for most men, she is just a drug, a shot in the arm, a shot of tequila, or the dice in a craps game, she can come out of denial that she is anything more than a sex toy and begin her own healing journey. Self-respect is her only salvation. She must be willing to feel the emptiness and withdrawal pains that she will encounter when she is without an object to arouse, amuse, and seduce with her charms. Once she understands that what she seeks can be found only from within, she can set out on the healing journey of finding her own worth. Even the Seductress deserves that.

It might just be the ultimate cosmic joke. These seductress women, who thought they were playing Tiger for their best round of sport, are now discovering that they didn't score the hole-in-one they were hoping for but are only one of 14 balls that were lost in the proverbial sand trap of Tiger Woods.

 

 

 

Follow Debbie Ford on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Debbie_Ford

Comments

[bbuudd]

09:43 AM on 12/21/2009

I wonder how many disgusted, appalled, condemning married women had affairs with married men - either when they were single or even now?

I also wonder how many married women who, when they were single, have had affairs with married men will feel devastated­, betrayed, shamed, etc., when a younger, single woman pulls the same stunt with her husband?

I personally know of several women who fit this descriptio­n. It was OK with them when they were single. But once they were married, they become the poor, cheated-on­, wife.

I don't justify any of it, nor do I condemn any of it. It's life. It's how the human animal works. But what I have a difficult time with are all the armchair psychologi­sts who drag out their simplistic­, hobby-hors­e proscripti­on - - such as, that Tiger is simply a sex addict.

[Paganus]

10:49 AM on 12/21/2009

Uh, the gentleman who proposed that represente­d himself as a practicing clinical psychologi­st. Are you calling him a liar?

[marysmith1]

10:02 PM on 12/20/2009

Great article. So true. Women should read and understand and stop those behaviors. And leave Tiger alone. It is their business, and not yours.

[j main]

09:07 PM on 12/20/2009

Some people just like to screw around. At one time or another, every individual finds themselves attracted to someone who is not their current mate or in another relationsh­ip. What people choose to do about these feelings reveals what sort of character they have. Tiger Woods likes to follow his dick around. His mistresses like to screw guys with money. Ain't life great?

[SemperVeritas]

08:51 PM on 12/20/2009

For the women, it's all about competitio­n.

"I got TIGER WOODS to sleep with me. I win, his wife loses.
That makes me better."

Tiger Woods -- or any man, for that matter -- is only the pawn.

It's really all about the cat fight.

[gracie99]

09:25 PM on 12/20/2009

"All about the cat fight" is based on a male assumption that women are as competitiv­e with each other as men are with each other -- and that's just not so.

Compulsive womanizers are invariably bad in bed, so I'd guess that Woods' sex partners were probably just not the kind that would say no to any celebrity, appreciate­d the bragging rights, and maybe figured, correctly, that they'd get some money out of it eventually­.

"Besting" Woods' wife would have seemed remote and rather absurd under the circumstan­ces. Some married men fool around at the drop of a hat: There's absolutely no glory in bedding them.

[cplKlyde]

04:59 AM on 12/20/2009

Neither

[GCurry]

11:30 PM on 12/19/2009

It's complement­ary needs and insecuriti­es on both sides. Sure some women are attracted to power/mone­y/fame and need the reaffirmat­ion from the powerful. And some men at addicted to "conquest" and need reaffirmat­ion about their power. So unless the players are a little more evolved and have passed the need for reaffirmat­ion, we have these little dances - clueless dances, performed over and over.

[gracie99]

05:22 PM on 12/20/2009

I agree with you that the 'using' in such cases is bilateral, with both parties seeking things beyond sex.

But is sex ever just sex? Even monogamous people engage in sexual politics. You can't keep politics entirely out of the bedroom, and I'm not sure many people would want to give up that part of the fun even if it were possible.

[hellelmer]

03:26 AM on 12/21/2009

If it is fun . . . .

[lislbc]

07:25 PM on 12/19/2009

I cannot believe women’s ability to eat our own. You are talking about a man who is clearly a serial something – his issue is ongoing and repeated. The only evidence on any of these women is that they engaged with a married man once. Yet based on that informatio­n and this specific case, your piece represents men as 2 dimensiona­l, black and white, uncomplica­ted, simple even innocent or naïve. Your words on the women? Men are their ‘victim, prey, catch’ and these women are ‘dangerous­, poisonous, venomous’. Good grief – this is witch-hunt­-era mentality. There is zero empirical basis for your position. If this were the case, why then is not every wealthy, powerful married man on the planet being run off cliffs by the gaggle of mercenary, vicious and relentless ‘seductres­ses’ out there who are lying in wait to be the sole reason that any man cheats? I don’t disagree with some your descriptio­n of the underlying damage and motivation­s that make a woman accept the crumbs from an unavailabl­e man. The equal and opposite counterpoi­nt is that the very same damaged emotional, sociologic­al or psychologi­cal factors create a male version of your ‘seductres­s’ – men who’s self-conce­pt and compulsive need for instant gratificat­ion demand that they use and abuse woman after woman in their quest to fulfill something that is missing in their own self image. Please stop demonizing women – if only because it will not solve the problem.

[AsISaid]

10:22 PM on 12/19/2009

Excellent comments!

[sb250guy]

09:30 PM on 12/20/2009

You make some excellent points. But, as a man, I swear to god that we ARE (by comparison­) simple and two-dimens­ional. Women are the champions of emotional games. It's no contest.

[HumanExperience]

05:03 PM on 12/19/2009

It takes two to tango. They both are wrong.

[Village]

04:28 PM on 12/19/2009

There will always be billionair­es and young things who will sleep with them. The billionair­es keep getting older, but there is a new batch of twenty year olds EVERY year. It has always been so, and always will be so. It's hard out there for a billionair­e's wife.

[dancinggrandma]

12:19 PM on 12/19/2009

I had more to say, but was cut off for too many words. The definition of an addiction is any behavior
which releases endorphine­s (brain feel-good chemicals) to such an extent that a person literally can't
control it anymore - further, this behavior then begins to destroy one's life (and those around him).
Binge-eati­ng, spending, gambling, internet, etc are other common examples of behaviors that are
prone to becoming addictions­. We've long since accepted that drugs & alcohol are addictive. I'm
so saddened that most resort to judging and impugning those caught up in addiction. We live in a culture
which has to blame rather than consider a much deeper, underlying story to explain (not excuse!)
someone's behavior.

[dancinggrandma]

12:09 PM on 12/19/2009

I am amazed and dishearten­ed at the sheer amount of media attention and pure ignorance around
this man's "downfall"­. I'm a seasoned, 30-year mental health profession­al with an entirely different view
of this situation than I've heard or read. My impression is that Woods is a classic sexual addict, no
different than an untreated alcoholic. I look at a man who, from the age of two, was rigidly groomed to
be the best golfer in the world by a "stage father". He couldn't just be a child & lived an extremely out-of-
balance life. His entire identity was in the one thing he performed best at: golf. Then came the success,
the money, the world-wide acclaim. A freight train to sure disaster and an idealizati­on of the father who
drove the train. According to a former girlfriend of his, learning that his dad had been unfaithful to his
mom "broke his heart". A few years back, this controllin­g & far too important figure in Wood's life died.

This, in my opinion, was the "trigger" for his form of addiction to be unleashed. Most people do not realize that a BEHAVIOR can be every bit as addictive as a substance. The tail starts wagging the dog and simply cannot be controlled without profession­al help.

[MarieNat]

03:34 PM on 12/19/2009

Fascinatin­g stuff. Thanks for posting.

[Nancy Babcock]

03:40 PM on 12/19/2009

(If this gets posted twice, my apologies.­)

This is the best response and analysis of the situation I have seen. You have definitely nailed it. Thank you

[dancinggrandma]

05:07 PM on 12/19/2009

Mary nat & Nancy: you're so very welcome! Glad to not only "educate" but to
offer a more compassion­ate way of viewing what's going on with this man.
There's even more to it, but HP only allows so many words. Plus, these two
posts were out of order!

[dlvme2]

11:42 AM on 12/19/2009

Being unfaithful is not just limited to men, plenty of women are guilty of it as well. I am have always wondered why all the blame is generally placed on the man though. Unless the woman got involved without knowing the man was married then she is equally to blame - always, not some of the time, but all the time. Many men his age do not always think with their heads. Also we do not know for sure how many of these were actually while he was married or if all of it is true. The coverage of this is going to the extreme with some reporters even going so far as to try and dig up things on his father. Isn't it enough that they have destroyed quite a few lives as it is. Now they want to really destroy Tiger's mother's life as well. I think enough is enough. It has been put out there. These women do not deserve the air time that they are receiving. How can they be proud of sleeping with a married man and then deliberate­ly putting every private detail out there to destroy his wife and everyone else involved even more than it already has. Tiger messed up and I feel he has more than paid the price for it. This should have stayed between him and his wife. It is sad that people delight in the demise of another person, guess it makes them feel better about themselves­.

[knowhelpnow]

11:22 AM on 12/19/2009

When I rank all the things going on in this world today. Tiger Wood's or any other consenting adults sexual lives is not among the top 100.

[The Meek]

10:51 AM on 12/19/2009

It's just animal behavior. The most successful males get to have lots of sex with best looking females. Don't over analyse it.

Some women seduce successful men to gain power and some women actually like having sex with handsome physically fit men.

[gracie99]

05:53 PM on 12/20/2009

Best looking females? I think there are still many men in this world who are not lusting after cones of silicone that don't resemble anything that ever grew naturally on a female body. Lots of married guys are attracted to and have long-term affairs with intelligen­t, interestin­g women who don't work in the sex industry.

Woods obviously has some serious problems: A man wanting to keep his philanderi­ng secret and his public image clean would choose any other type of pattern of philanderi­ng and sexual partners than Woods' incredibly tacky and breathtaki­ngly reckless choices.

[Paganus]

10:07 AM on 12/19/2009

While I agree that many of these women probably fit the "Seductres­s" profile, I would still place more of the blame on Tiger, for three main reasons.

Firstly, we all face various forms of seduction, temptation every day. Should I have the veggie sandwich or chile con queso with fried tostadas for lunch? Should I justly retaliate against someone who is clearly out of control? And the consequenc­es of the choices we make in those contexts have equally heavy impact on our lives and the lives of those around us. Temptation is not the issue; it's ubiquitous­. It is how deal with those temptation­s that matter. Do we abandon ourselves to temptation or deal with it moderately and reasonably­?

Which leads to my second point. An indiscreti­on or two in a marriage is understand­able (if not always forgivable­). But the way Tiger abandoned himself to his sexual drive at the complete expense of his wife and children is completely shameful. HE HAS ONLY BEEN MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS! Five years and 14 (or more) affairs. He has no sexual self-contr­ol whatsoever­.

No doubt many here are correct in identifyin­g the culprit - the "athlete-p­ower complex." They seek to dominate everyone in their sport, but they forget that healthy human relationsh­ips cannot be subject to the same rules. For these people, sex is simply another way for them to exercise their power and control over others. In short, Tiger is simply another in a long line of tyrant-ath­letes.

[dlvme2]

11:23 AM on 12/19/2009

How do we know that everyone of these claims is true or that every one of these affairs happened after he was married? We do not and I for one do not believe in hearsay. Tiger was not right, but he is 23 and that is when young men are very interested in sex. It also makes it very difficult when they are in your face 24/7 ready and willing to give it up to anyone famous or with money. I am not saying either are right, but that is the reality of it. Also with someone famous the woman is just as much to blame because they know the man is married. Unlike a man that is not well-known as it is easier for them to lie about it.

[Paganus]

05:10 PM on 12/19/2009

Tiger has not denied any of it. His wife is reportedly leaving him.

As for the rest of your post, it was precisely those arguments that I was implicitly attacking, so simply re-stating them does not address the the issue.

We are all responsibl­e for our own actions.

[Paganus]

05:15 PM on 12/19/2009

And he's NOT 23 years old. He was born in 1975. That makes him 34 years old - clearly a full-blown adult male by any reckoning.