THE BLOG
11/04/2013 05:19 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

Rediscovering Your Sexuality After Divorce

When people think sexuality they think sex and body image, but there is so much more to sexuality than those two things. Sexuality is about you as a whole. In order to rediscover your sexuality after divorce, you first must rediscover who you are.

Sex and sexuality are often confused; they are mutually separate from each other. Sex is the act of having sexual relations while sexuality is how you feel about yourself. If you are struggling with inner satisfaction, then running out and having sex the minute the ink dries on the divorce papers can quite possibly do more harm than good.

Rediscovering your sexuality has more to do with confidence in who you are and not your sexual prowess. It's being comfortable in your own skin and regaining that sense of feeling like a woman or man once again. After a divorce, with all of its emotional complications, it can take some time to reconnect to that confidence. Let's face it, divorce can wreak havoc on your self-esteem. It took time to erode and it will take time and patience to regain.

In the year or even years before the final split, sex took on an obligatory role. Now as the judge signs off on your divorce decree, you are left wondering if you will ever be interested in sex again: Is your lovemaking really unfulfilling for your partner and are you still desirable?

Healing from the divorce is a big part in regaining your sexuality, so don't do things that will be counterproductive. Having sex because you think you should will only add to your low self-esteem, as you will feel less empowered. What you thought would help you heal will only make you feel worse. Instead, do an honest self-examination as your first step.

Explore why you don't feel sexual. There are many reasons, but typically it's not because you have lost your mojo. More than likely your disinterest in bedroom activities could be from lack of satisfying sex, not pleased with your own body or that of your spouse's body, loss of an emotional connection and the list goes on, but the good news is, your loss of desire is only temporary. It is not so much a sexual dysfunction as it is a relationship dysfunction.

If, after an honest look at yourself, you determine that your body is the culprit, take steps to change it. Do whatever it takes for you to see yourself as sexy. Learn to love yourself and know that sexuality also encompasses a sense of humor, likeability, personality and intelligence. Get an inner spark; nothing is sexier.

Ladies, have fun with yourself; explore new hairstyles, outfits and makeup. Promise yourself that you will not spend the entire day or week in sweatpants with your hair in a ponytail. Comfortable, yes, but it does nothing for your sexy barometer. Open up your lingerie drawer and toss any ripped or faded undies. Wear sexy lingerie on a date even if he isn't going to see them; you know what's under that dress and you will feel sexy, guaranteed. Take a belly dancing or pole dancing class and change the way you view yourself.

Men, get to the gym, toss the baggy jeans and get some cowboy hugging blues. Update your wardrobe and go from man cave to bachelor pad. Learn to dance, as this will make women swoon, and find anything else that will make you feel good being you.

What you think is what you will be become, so stop telling yourself you are a 50-year-old soccer mom or a middle aged balding man. Chances are, the new person in your life will see you completely different than the old one. How you feel and see yourself can be a product of your marriage and once your marriage ends, so will the way you currently view yourself.

At the end of the day, after you have worked on yourself both inside and out and have a level of inner comfort and confidence, then entertain the idea of crawling between the sheets with someone. Be sure the timing is right, that you are emotionally present and then just enjoy. Remember, you want to avoid an unpleasant rendezvous, as the purpose is to lavish in your newfound sexuality, not dash it upon the rocks due to poor judgment.

Rediscovering your sexuality is just another part of the divorce journey, a part that is refreshing, rejuvenating, exciting and an amazing rebirth. Embrace it, run with it and be liberated.