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Debbie Martinez, M.A. Headshot

The Blame Game

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LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
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When a marriage falls apart, we automatically look for someone to blame and for someone to direct all that anger, that rage, onto. Who stole my husband/wife, my financial security, my heart and my dream from me? The problem is we created a long time ago just how we wanted our lives to go and heaven help anyone that interferes with that vision. But what if that dream, that vision, was not the best for us? What if we could create something so much more brilliant but it took the divorce to get us there? We only "see" what our human mind and eyes can see not realizing that there is so much more to us. Don't view your divorce, as it pertains to the rest of your life, with such finality. My friend, this is only the beginning.

Stop looking to blame someone; the only one you should blame would be yourself if you didn't redirect that anger into positive, productive energy. Expand your mind to see another dream or even several dreams. Put the brakes on letting other people control you by the emotions they evoke in you. The last time I looked, we only have one life, so choose how you are going to live it. Here are six fundamentals to not just moving on but moving up after a divorce.

1. You must resolve what is inside you to make a place for new possibilities to unfold. That includes forgiveness of others and yourself, reflection on any shortcomings you have, and letting go. Two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time, so if you're holding on to feelings that no longer benefit you, new ones cannot come in.

2. Acknowledge that divorce is a catalyst for new beginnings. Accept where you are and look to where this change can take you, not to where you came from.

3. Let a new love take time and learn to love differently. Love is not lust nor does it happen overnight. Moving forward, evolve with how you love and why you love.

4. Have a spiritual awakening. Life and your life's purpose are clearer when you look outside of yourself and see that there is a higher power.

5. Acquire mindfulness in your daily comings and goings. Don't be a robot; be in the moment, be aware of your surroundings and see others with a new understanding for where they may be in their life.

6. Have inner strength and know that all things are possible if you believe they are. There is always a way over the mountain. Take life in stride.