A Slap in the Face

Last Monday, according to this report on the Smoking Gun, Roger Stephens, 61, went to a Wal-Mart in Stone Mountain, Georgia, and slapped Paige Matthews, 2, for crying. Not to dismiss the injustice of the average, workaday abused child, but I think it's important to note here that Matthews was not in Stephens' care at the time. In fact, before she came into that Wal-Mart with her mother and incited her batterer with her incessant tears, young Paige and Stephens had never met.

To be fair, Stephens did fire a warning shot before snapping. "If you don't shut that baby up I will shut her up for you," Stephens apparently said to the toddler's mother. It was only after the child refused to comply that Stephens acted in what he thought was the best interest of all parties involved. Which, as any of you who've ever known a 2-year-old might imagine, caused said child to shriek louder.

Here's a question that may be nagging you, too: When did unsolicited parental advice become extreme sport? Last week, while I was on vacation, I was happily reading on the beach under an umbrella with my twelve year old daughter while my 3-year-old sat in a hole nearby. Suddenly, a jogger appeared out of nowhere and stepped into our shade: that is to say, right in my face. "I don't mean to sound paranoid or anything," she said, "but this is a beach, and your son's sitting in a hole."

"Yehsssss?" I said, trying to figure out which part of her statement was paranoid. As far as I could tell, her compound sentence contained only factual declarations. We were on a beach. My son was sitting in a hole.

The woman seemed frustrated that I could not follow her. "A wave could come up and drown him!" she exclaimed, exasperated. It was, I should add, high tide, and we were sitting next to the dune, miles from the water.

A slap in my child's face, this was not, but it was yet another slap in mine, and my figurative cheeks are raw from them: the countless run-ins with other parents, other people who feel it is their duty to tell me and you what we're doing wrong. "Thank you for your input," I said. Then I turned my attention right back to my book. My adolescent daughter simply laughed and kept reading.

None of us are perfect parents, and our children are far from perfect, but unless I'm beating my toddler in the middle of a Wal-Mart -- which I'm proud to report I haven't resorted to yet, not that I haven't been tempted -- your unsolicited advice is not welcome. In fact, let's call it by its proper name: aggression.

Now, far be it from me to tell you how to parent, but whenever my toddler becomes aggressive, he is given a time out. So let's make a deal: next time you tell me how to parent my children, I will simply pick you up, carry you over to the corner and into the naughty chair, and we will count to ten until you can calm down, apologize, and promise to try to do better.

Follow Deborah Copaken Kogan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/dckogan

Comments

[William Young]

I agree, no one is a perfect parent, anybody that says otherwise is in denial. However this story brings up something to me that happened in church some time ago. I was watching my lil cousin who at the time was about 5 or 6 and I told her if you sit with me you're gonna behave or you're going back to the front with your mom. Ok, she's fine for the first hour and the next thing you know it, she's going underneath the pews at first I ignored it because she only did it once, then she tried again and by the third time she tried to go under the pews the woman sitting next to me tried to grab her. She was obviously upset, so before she could grab her I grabbed her and took her outside and told her you can't act any kind of way in church and low and behold this woman comes outside with me try to share a piece of her mind. I politely told her I have this situation under control and yet she continues to try and leture me. I just think some people need to back off if it's not your child I feel you shouldn't get involved unless it's something ciminal!

[readerann]

Yeah, it is aggression. My favorite story: my husband and I were on a cruise to Mexico and were sitting on deck enjoying a cup of coffee and pastries. (Bear in mind that my husband and I are in our 50s and look it.) A woman nearby starting loudly complaining about children being allowed to run wild while their parents sat on their butts and ignored them. Then she started to give us long stares between complaints. After a few minutes of this, she walked up to our table and demanded that we start watching our kids. Now, this was not possible, as our kids are not only adults with their own lives, they didn't happen to be on the cruise with us. Which my husband politely (okay, not so politely) explained to her. She turned red, stomped off without so much as an apology, and glared at us every time she saw us for the rest of the cruise. I never did figure out what children she thought were ours--or what the problem was.

[CryptoSolipsist]

You know that old saying about what happens when you assume...

[Deborah Copaken Kogan - Huffpost Blogger]

I love this story. Take it as a compliment that, in your 50's, you were assumed to be young enough to have been the parents of the little tykes. Like getting carded in your 40's.

[dotmafia]

aggression. why am i not surprised?

maybe because it's something americans are all-too familiar with.

[VicDaring]

Devil's Advocate:

This story happened quite recently, and could have been on the person's mind at the beach:

(From thewesterlysun.com )

According to rescue workers from Westerly Ambulance and officials from the Department of Environmental Management, a 17-year-old boy is lucky to be alive after a hole he was digging at East Beach in Charlestown collapsedTuesday night....Commander Dwayne Allen III said he wasn’t sure Boyden realized how close he came to not making it out....“I’m surprised he got that far down before it collapsed,” Westerly Ambulance Corps Capt. Charles Bynum said....Vice Commander Dennis Mello added, “It was really touch and go there for a while. That was a stressful job.”


Just a possibility to consider.

[Deborah Copaken Kogan - Huffpost Blogger]

Interesting theory, VicDaring, and thank you for sharing it, except the hole in question here was less than a foot deep, just big enough for a three year old's tush. Truth is? Everything can kill you, even a splinter. The question is not one of the relative danger (or not) of a hole in the sand but of common courtesy: unless the child is in actual physical danger instead of somewhat possible (but sort of silly, given the circumstances) physical danger, strangers should keep their opinions and neuroses to themselves is all I'm saying.

Of course, this will never happen, we all know, but a girl can dream. :)

[CryptoSolipsist]

Your story gave me a big old grin. Someone sharing a genuine safety concern would be very appreciated, but this lady was clearly just being a busybody. When will people learn that offering unsolicited parenting advice is ALMOST UNIVERSALLY unwelcome. It's actually just a passive-aggressive way of someone pointing out to you that you are "wrong" and they are "right".

Parenting is a job, just like any other. I don't wander into your office and point out typos in your paperwork, so do me the same courtesy and mind your own beeswax.

[newTheory]

"To be fair, Stephens did fire a warning shot before snapping... It was only *after* the child refused to comply that Stephens acted ..."

--
I couldn't ascertain whether this is apologetic or full of sarcasm. I'm hoping for the latter. The passage suggests that it was only after this coward's patience had totally ran out, that he acted that way.

Adults should have a tolerance towards children and it goes unsaid that we are obliged to treat children with patience and affection at all times irrespective of their unreasonable demands. Crying children are annoying, but they are children. Reasonable adults accept that fact in most instances and move along----say, to another isle?

Having learned of your experience on the beach is a relief to me, knowing that I'm not the only parent getting free parental advice from strangers. Apparently, we all do--and they are ego-bruising! The difference, however, is that this kind of advice is different than that of Stephens. The former usually is out of a concern or fear of an immediate danger--perceived or real, the latter being a criminal act.

An unsolicited advice out of concern for my child's safety may not receive rowdy applause, it would never be reciprocate with mocking laughter or lose out to any unfinished chapter of a book. Caring parents want only the best for children--theirs or not. I welcome a second pair of eyes on the well-being of my children any day over a bruised ego.

[bjammin]

RE: the first sentence of your post? Are YOU joking? OF COURSE it was satirical.

[Deborah Copaken Kogan - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, bjammin.

[LOLocrat]

Unlike your presumptuous jogger, Roger "Slappy" Stephens was hardly attempting to offer advice on parenting.

The reports are vague about how long and loud little Paige's outburst was but it's possible Stephens was trying to do what a lot of parents these days SHOULD do but DON'T: muzzle their kids when they have obnoxious public temper tantrums.

Because he chose such a TOTALLY IDIOTIC and INAPPROPRIATE way to deal with the situation, now it's Stephens' turn to get slapped -- by a judge !

I'll bet that in 10 years his memories of getting slapped will be a lot more vivid than Paige's.

[Deborah Copaken Kogan - Huffpost Blogger]

While I do think we parents, as a group, always have room for improvement with regards to disciplining our school aged children, as the mother of 3, who range in age from 3 to 14 years old, I know one thing for sure: a two-year-old having a temper tantrum is nearly impossible to control. We feel as awful as you do when our babies are disturbing the peace, but we also know most attempts at thwarting the wails are hopeless. The kid is usually frustrated by a lack of language skills at that age to express him or herself. By three, a child can usually be cajoled verbally into quieting down by dint of time outs and if/then logic--"If you don't quiet down, then here's what will happen..."--because they finally understand the idea of consequences. I'm sure you did not really mean to imply we should put actual muzzles on our toddlers, but even speaking metaphorically, you are, in essence, expressing the same sentiments verbally and tangentially as Mr. Stephens expressed physically and immediately. Remember, he started off by saying, "If you don't shut that baby up I will shut her up for you," which is, the way I see it, just an aggressive and mean-spirited way of saying, "You are parenting badly, and I know better." Hence, my reading of it--and then the slap itself--as unsolicited advice.

[CellarDoor]

Not having kids of my own just yet, I fully empathize with parental attempts to keep unruly kids in line and still be able to travel outdoors among other people. At a grocery or department store, children crying is a given as many will ask for things their parents will deny them. I don't think it's unreasonable for those of us without kids present or children of our own to endure some crying and temper tantrums in those locations. However, a screaming and crying child at a theater or restaurant is an entirely different manner.

As a parent with an unruly child in an environment where being quiet is a basic common courtesy, you cannot dump the "can't stop a toddler's tantrum" line and just expect people to deal with it when you are singularly ruining their evening. You simply have to take your child and leave the premises. This was not only expected but the common practice of most parents once upon a time.

Now, and not to impugn you or all parents by any stretch, many discourteous parents are simply ambivalent to the lives of others and will allow their children to run through restaurants unattended, cry at movie theaters nonstop, or simply presume that the import they place on every aspect of their child's happiness, including letting them run wild at inappropriate locations, is the same import that strangers are, by implication, obligated to withstand.

[Flahdagal]

"your unsolicited advice is not welcome. In fact, let's call it by its proper name: aggression."

Mind if I stitch that on a pillow? I completely agree, and I'm sick of people stepping in to point out everything that is "unsafe", sometimes directly to my child, to the point that "unsafe" is now completely meaningless to him. Save your breath for things that are truly dangerous and stop trying to draw a circle around my child so that he's afraid to take a step, or worse, just ignores all of it and dives into traffic.

If there's such a wealth of Super Parents, and such a dearth of Perfect Children, where does the math fail?

[Deborah Copaken Kogan - Huffpost Blogger]

Stitch away, Flahdagal! And if you make two pillows, I'll take one.

[jessicajuliette]

everyone is being too hard on the guy..he didnt realize he was in walmart, this kind of thing (assualting an innocent child) is okay in CRAZYTOWN where he usually lives...

[SelenicMagick]

The man really should thank his deity of choice that it wasn't MY child that he dared to hit! The police could NOT have gotten there fast enough to prevent my disemboweling him.

[Ryoki]

What you should have said was " I'm hoping for a wave to come and sweep the kid out to sea. Thanks I'll move him closer to the water line." Or " Oh that's not my child. Would you like to buy him?"

[Deborah Copaken Kogan - Huffpost Blogger]

Both excellent suggestions, Ryoki! Thanks...