We've fed them, sheltered them, taught them to live independently. Then suddenly (if we're lucky) our kids are gone. Daily contact is replaced by occasional text messages and visits on major holidays. While we struggle to keep abreast of events in their lives, they rarely do the same for us.
When my friend Amy's husband left her for another woman, she was surprised at how little support she got from her grown children. "I know they sympathized," she says. "They were just really busy." Nevertheless, that Christmas, "The biggest gift under the tree was for Lisa, my German Shepherd," Amy admits. "She's the one who was there when I needed her. "
My mother is similarly attached to her pets. Last spring, she refused to join the family for Passover because it would have meant leaving her elderly Bichon, who wasn't up to the drive. After years of being guilt-tripped about returning home for the holidays, I was unpleasantly surprised by this turn of events. But perhaps, like Amy, my mother finds the simpler relationship more rewarding at this point in her life.
While I love my dog, I can't imagine that connection taking precedence over time with my kids and (when I have them) grandkids. And I hope I never end up keeping score -- if you don't write me a thank you note, I'll stop sending birthday gifts.
I've seen the damage that can come from withholding love out of fear that there might not be enough go around. With our children, especially, caring needs to be its own reward.
For this reason, I suspect that there's no reasonable "return" on the investment we make in our kids. In his book Thirty Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans, Karl Pillemer writes, "When there's a rift, it's usually the parents who need to compromise" because "they have a greater intergenerational stake...they pay a higher price if the rift occurs."
This might not sound fair, but I think it's true. As parents, it's up to us to continue reaching out to our children without expecting repayment in kind.
Follow Deborah Gaines on Twitter: www.twitter.com/deborahgaines
What do kids owe us? What is their debt to their parents? I cannot frame it in those words, because I see more a reflection than a debt. What you see in your kids is often a reflection of the relationships established when they were learning to be, well, human.
And now, if they are in need, I will move mountains to help, but I feel no obligation to my kids beyond being a good person and the loving father that I have always tried to be. I have no expectations of their attention beyond what they wish to bestow, but I will gladly take as much as they give, and feel blessed as they do.
Do I miss them when they are absent? Of course! But, my intention was not to raise children who were indebted for some reason; it was to raise independent, self-reliant adults who wanted to keep in contact, who enjoyed stopping by and trading updates and such. However, relationships should never reset to their childhood. Besides, a warm feeling of satisfaction can be found in knowing that they are happy with themselves and can both show and receive love; that too is a reflection.
So, debts? No. Gifts? well..... :)
Lawson Meadows
As a child, your parent is the one that is there for you and makes things better when something happens - but when the parent suddenly is the one who is ill, many young people do not know how to handle or address that. What do you say to mom if dad leaves her? What do you say to dad? How do you deal with that yourself, first?
I think it's easy to sit here and say, "They should ..." or "They need to ..." but it's not so easy when you're in that position and don't know how to best address it. A lot of people choose the route of least resistance - they don't do anything. Because they don't know what the right thing to do is.
That all said, I'd take time with my husband and my dog over time with my family any day of the week. I keep in touch with my sister, parents, and several cousins on Facebook on a daily basis, but on the whole, I do prefer them on the other side of the ocean. (They live in Europe.)
If our offspring abandon us, it's because we taught them to.
It seems that the kids who grow up with the least, are the same ones that grow up with huge compassion and appreciation for their parents.
What YOU owe THEM, is a roof over their heads, food to eat and clothes on their backs. Everything past that is to the discretion of the parent. It's sad that WAY too many modern mothers believe kids need huge birthday parties from the age of one, a closet full of clothes, all designer, every tech toy that's out there, including cell phones, priviledges that only adults enjoyed 40 years ago, and the list goes on, and on, and on.
Modern mothers also allow their children to believe they deserve all this respect. Don't know where that came from. At any rate, mothers have put their kids so high on pedastals that they believe they (the kids) are owed everything right down to their college education and a place to live after graduation.
When so much is poured into your children, it's only natural to believe they owe you something, BUT, they don't. You give to your children by choice, and perhaps by their request, but not by necessity or rule.