An Open Letter to MacKenzie Phillips
Dear MacKenzie,
I watched your "coming out" on Oprah as an incest survivor, having had a decade-long sexual relationship with your father, Papa John, and I must say it triggered a lot of my own memories. But you have one piece of your story dead wrong: it was not a consensual relationship.
There was absolutely nothing consensual about a single piece of your life with your father, not from the moment he started to groom you as a young child to be his drug buddy and his lover. Of course you adored your larger-than-life father. When we're young, our parents are our universe. We want their approval, their love -- in whatever form it gets offered to us. You were under his power, whether you were 9 when you were raped (as I was) or 19. Even if you were the one going to his bedroom, seemingly willingly, even if you were 29 years old and "should have known better" -- it was not your fault. The shame that you carry, the burden of feeling like you should never have let it happen, much less let it continue -- that is your father's mantle of shame you're wearing.
Like an Egyptian pharaoh who grooms his daughter/princess to be his wife, your rock star father felt he too had god-like status -- the rules didn't apply to him like they did to ordinary mortals. When your father raped you the night before your wedding, he was simply taking what he believed was his. He established his dominance, made sure his possession -- you -- never truly belonged to another. He was guaranteeing that he owned you for life.
When he died, you unraveled. Of course you did. A vital part of you had died. I don't know if those who haven't experienced incest with a parent they adored can understand the bond. It's much closer than the bond between husband and wife. I imagine it's more like a twin who loses her other half, minus the shame. When my father died, I went into a tailspin. Like you, I thought I'd finally be free. Although I had left behind my alcohol and Valium addiction, although I was meditating and praying and doing everything in my power to stay clean and sober, it was cataclysmic when he died, like a part of "me" had just been destroyed.
You were one flesh. Not just at conception, not just at birth. There's something about having a sexual relationship with the person who is closest to you by blood that is impossible to communicate to others. I understand. But you must understand that it was not consensual. In a way it's like Jaycee Dugard, who spent 18 years living with her kidnapper and the two children he fathered with her. People wonder why she didn't just pick up and leave that miserable tent in the backyard. Just like people will wonder why you defend your father, why you were able to say "I love you" to him on his deathbed. Why I, too, made excuses for my father's behavior. Yes, it's the incestuous version of the Stockholm syndrome, which is still running in me as it is in you.
But if you want to stay clean, if you don't want to fall back once again on the emotion-numbing life of addiction, you must know in your bones that it was never consensual, it was never your fault. Your self-esteem, no, your very Self, was destroyed.
Telling your story is a brave and necessary part of healing. I did it in my book, Truth Heals. You are doing it on a vast public stage. Thank you for speaking out. I'm sure you will learn how many out there are still hiding in shame. You have joined the ranks of wounded healers -- sharing your journey for the greater good. May it heal your life as well.
Follow Deborah King on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Deborah_King
Alex Leo: Mackenzie Phillips' Rape: Incest Is NEVER Consensual
Mackenzie Phillips could not have given consent. She was 19 and drugged out of her mind and her father raped her.
Mackenzie Phillips says she had sex with her dad - Yahoo! News
Mackenzie Phillips: I had sex with musician dad John Phillips ...
Mackenzie Phillips alleges incestuous affair with her father ...
Mackenzie Phillips Collared for Drugs - E! Online
Mackenzie Phillips: I Slept with My Own Father - Mackenzie ...
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
"ABC News reports that since Phillips’ public admission on the Oprah Winfrey show this week, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) has seen a 26 percent jump in its hotline calls and an 83 percent increase in traffic on its Web site."
Well it looks like McKenzie's public confession is helping MANY, MANY victims! Hoooorrraaay!! Thank you Oprah. May the dialogue continue! We need to keep the pervs. squirming as education is the key.
Dear JessicaJuliette, Fortunately you were spared this experience. Your comments..... "based on some anecdotal childhood experience" and "groundless based on your experience" show how naive and unaware you are of the real world. I was also raised catholic. You should know that this kind of experience escapes no "group" religious or otherwise. Across the board it happened, continues happen today. Myself and my sisters were molested by our father. I know of Catholics, Christians, Jews, Muslims, and many others that have suffered incest or sexual abuse in their lives, especially as little girls, by their fathers, male relatives, their priest or pastors. The burden of secrecy, shame, guilt falls on the child being molested. Look at the catholic church who has been exposed for all the sexual abuse the priests did to the young members of the church, boys and girls alike. Even to the degree that the Pope issued a blanket apology to the members of the church for what the priests had done to many of it's members. Do a search on sexual abuse in the churches, catholic or otherwise, and religious communities. You have a rude awakening waiting for you. I hope that in your quest for more understanding that you will be more gentle and kinder to those that have the courage to speak about their experiences. They need your support and love even from a distance.
Best Wishes!
Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-king/an-open-letter-to-mackenz_b_298611.html
Several very high profile BAD DAD stories have come out in the last year. Those stories are shocking and sell lots of advertising. Those acts are beyond my comprehension.
As the completely devoted father of 2 beautiful teen age daughters, I just want to remind everyone that for every despicable, deadbeat, horrible father, there are thousands of dads who work day in and day out to provide for their families and would die for their wives and children.
It is nice to be reminded. I'd add it's millions, not just thousands. We're not worth the copy though.
Yes! Thanks for the reminder. I'm married to one just like you!
I think one dynamic that hasn't been touched on is that after the intial incident, she might have experienced a feeling of unworthiness/ dirtiness/damage /shame that might have made her feel like her father was her only real option as a partner:"Who else will want me if they find out? But how can I have a healthy relationship with anyone if I keep this secret?" So no, that's not consensual.
Good point.
I read your post with great interest. I think you really nailed this subject. I watched Oprah's show and I think MacKenzie has a long way to go in her recovery. It sounds like you're the expert and you could really help her. I'm sure you have already, with your words. Thanks Deborah; always like reading your posts.
A COLLECTIVE GAG GURGLED ACROSS THE WEB TODAY AS READERS REACTED to MacKenzie Phillips' revelation that she had sex for 10 years with her father, John Phillips of the Mamas & the Papas. The news provoked widespread jeers and sneers. "If she could keep it a secret for 30 years,'' someone named Jill wrote on EW.com, "she could keep it for another 30."
Oprah took a lot of heat for airing the vile claims the same day the book Phillips' new book was released. But to Catholics, fans of Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment and psychologists, the public confession is more understandable. The "need to reveal embarrassing and disturbing secrets...[exists] in direct proportion to the importance that the experience … has for the speaker or writer's personality as a whole,'' wrote E.J. Brill in is 1975 book, The Psychology of Confession. "This need finds expression in two ways: either in personal confidences to a trusted friend or as a written description. '' CrabbyGolightly.com
"In the latter case, the memories involved have perhaps left the writer no peace until he got them out of his system."
I listened to the show yesterday and what Mackenzie said rang true. I hope she gets the support she's going to need right now, because all these people attacking her is going to hurt. This is what keeps abuse victims from speaking up and telling anyone what's going on. My own grandmother, and my godmother, told me no, no you must be mistaken. He would never do that to you. Well you know what? Yes he was. And I am the one, 35 yrs later, that is always made to feel dirty. Like I caused it. Anyone who hasn't had this happen needs to refrain from making negative comments.
Dear wilinot, Thank you for your message above. I too was hushed up and basically unprotected from my fathers sexual abuse as a child. The shame and guilt I carried for years, not to mention the secrecy and fear of being rejected by others if they knew what had happened, caused unspeakable pain, resulting in feelings of being worthless and very low self esteem. This affected my choices of relationships and lifestyle. I have come a long way through much therapy and personal coaching. Those of us who have had these experiences and understand the devastating impact on our lives, need to reach out with compassion to others that are ready to speak the unspeakable and help them begin the journey of healing their hearts and spirits.
Deborah, Thank you for opening your door to your experience and giving Mackenzie some new insight. It is very obvious that she is still in protection mode and after all the years of abuse in all forms it is quite understandable. Hopefully, this will give her more tools to use and help her. To me, when she said that she wasn't really mad at her dad that's a huge sign to say it's not all be faced and how could it? Mackenzie will continue to get a lot of negative feedback on this which sadly is expected in this society. With time this may turn around for her as well as countless others when more people realize she has done a very brave and courageous act. To speak of the unspeakable; time to put it on the table and talk about it. Especially difficult when the one doing the abusing sexually is a parent. The one person we want to have love from as well as teaching us what love is, provide our safety and learn life lessons.
Thank you for your letter to Miss Phillips. Bless you!
My daughter is now 18 and an aspiring writer in college who has created a persona for herself via saturating the internet with her writings. When I discovered these writings, and confronted her with some of the content, she made the decision to write an open letter to me, accusing me of sexually molesting her, even though she "did not remember it." It is my belief that she has either fallen victim to the manipulations of her father and/or therapist, or it is an out-and-out-lie, told to bolster her image as a "dark, disturbed" young author. I have not spoken to my daughter in close to a year, and will not until she apologizes and rescinds the accusation. It's not something you can just talk openly about, as we live in a society that has a knee-jerk reaction of, "it must be true" when a child accuses an adult of sexual abuse. I know this, because I used to be one of those people who immediately judged the adult and believed the child was telling the truth.
People DO lie about this. I don't know if Ms. Phillips is telling the truth or not, but I think it's reprehensible that she's speaking out this way, accusing her father of this horrible act, when he is no longer around to defend himself. Having gone through this myself, combined with the fact that she has a new book out, I find the entire thing highly suspect
It's reprehensible for her to speak out? If true, it's fair from the most reprehensible part of the story. Wherever John Phillips is, he's beyond it all, but his daughter is still here and seeking peace and closure,.
Your situation is horrible, but it's made worse if the bitterness at your daughter has made you see in a negative light all who claim abuse.
I misspoke: the reprehensible part is the fact that she waited until her father was no longer around to speak out.
And, I do not see all who claim abuse in a negative light. As I said, I no longer have the knee-jerk reaction of immediately feeling that the accused must be guilty. I never, ever would've believed that a child could make an accusation against a parent like this if it wasn't true. I simply know now first hand that this happens, that children do lie about their parents, and I no longer rush to the judgment that the children are always telling the truth.
Your story is very similar to the plot in the book "Divine Secrets if the Ya Ya Sisterhood."
It is a fictionalized account of the author's tortured relationship with her mother. In the book, the mother is estranged from daughter because of the plays she wrote about their relationship and her mental problems. The father is a very minor charactor that avoids everything by hanging out at his hunting lodge.
I was amazed that this book was a best seller and that so many women found the plot fun and touching, when it is actually an exploitative and harrowing familiy psychodrama.
Wow...really. I haven't read that book. I have to wonder if my daughter hasn't "borrowed" from that story.
It makes sense to wonder if it's true. Bijou Phillips also talked about being molested by her dad in a 2000 interview and that someone needed to bust him, this should validate Mackenzie but why isn't the press picking up on it?. I hope she stands up stronger now and with her sister, who could use the support.
http://www.indexmagazine.com/interviews/bijou_phillips.shtml
BRUCE: Tell me about the new song you wrote — the one you were singing in the car on the way back from lunch.
BIJOU: The one about my dad? It sort of speaks for itself. I've made this decision not to talk to the press about anything that's gone on in my life, but just to write music about it. They can interpret it themselves.
BRUCE: There seemed to be some improprieties going on. You're talking about stuff in your music that's pretty heavy. Has anyone articulated it for you in the press?
BIJOU: No one has the balls to do it.
BRUCE: I'll do it.
BIJOU: [laughs] It's blatantly obvious.
BRUCE: The refrain in your new song is: "He touched me wrong." How much more blatant can you get?
BIJOU: I really want his balls busted, but I also want to be able to say, "It's just a song."
BRUCE: It's not just a song.
BIJOU: It's just a song.
Well, I'm going to gain some enemies for this, I'm sure, but here goes:
I speak as a survivor of incest, at the hands of my sister, who is eight years older than me. I don't know if I can technically call it "abuse," as she was 13 years old, and I was five years old, when it started. However, I know the pain and understand the damage first hand. It is always with me, and will always be with me.
I gave birth to my only daughter at 26. Before she was even born, I promised her that she would never suffer the kinds of things I did as a child. I kept that promise.
.
Very brave of you to speak out about your own experience of incest. Let me encourage you to continue to express your truth -- you will find it very freeing.
With all due respect, part of her truth is that she thinks Mackenzie is wrong for speaking out, because her father doesn't get a say.
Very brave. Thanks for telling your story. Some of the comments about MacKenzie on this site are very sad. I stand with the victims.
The guilt of incest seems to always fall on the victim.
I know some one who's story is similar to MacKenzie's. She couldn't tell her mother for
fear it would break her heart.
At least now you and others are telling the truth, which should help!
I'd like to sma ck all the mothers that jump up and down that there was no way it was true. Tell me a situation where a wife/mother is with their mate 24/7 - 365. It doesn't happen so they play the victim while accussing the true victim. It's disgusting.
It looks like Michelle is in complete denial. Her compassion-bone is eaten away. Trashing MacKenzie doesn't seem very maternal or mature...and calling out Oprah for having her on the show...way off.
Just because someone is an addict doesn't mean that anything that happens to them is a mirage or a fabrication. Addicts live in the same world the rest of us live in...reality, they just suffer reactions to reality in different ways. I'd be shooting up too if I had that dad. Give the lady a break.
This type of violation is much more common that most people realize and it doesn't happen only in the free love, rock 'n roll worlds. i would guess even less there and more in the repressed, "religulous" family. I would be interested to know the author's opinion about that. I noticed in one of the commentaries that the fre love lifestyle was blamed.
In my high school of less 80 people back in the 50's it was commonly known that one girl had been molested by her father and became pregnant by him, one had been violently molested by two brothers and, not commonly known, one of my best friends was still being bathed nightly by her respectable, religious father when she was 12 years old with her mother's knowledge and approval.
It still haunts me today that no one know what to do about it and no one would even considered telling teachers or our own families.
Enigma, I'm sure you're right that incest is more prevalent in the "religulous" family. I wasn't surprised to find out as an adult that their were more than a few cases in the Catholic grade school of my childhood.
"incest i more prevalent in the religious family." really? based on some anecdotal childhood experiences?
my 2 brothers and my sister and I attended Catholic schools through high school, and none of us had that experience, or heard anything of the kind.
none of us still attend Mass and could care less about the church,but that statement about it being more prevalent, seems groundless..based on our childhood....
I read a book a while back called "The color of water" a black mans tribute to his jewish mother. His mother was the daughter of a rabbi in the south. The rabbi was molesting her and she finally ran away to NY.
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
