Elizabeth Edwards: Resilience or Revenge?

The questions that are raised by the Elizabeth Edwards' publicity tour for her book Resilience have caused a lot of back and forth comments--from "leave the poor woman alone, after all she's dying of cancer," to all the people who supported John Edwards in his run for president who now feel betrayed by Elizabeth for not stopping the campaign when she learned about his affair. But the one question no one seems to be asking in the midst of this whirlwind media blitz is: What can we learn from this?

As her book title indicates, Elizabeth thinks she's demonstrating that when the wind blows rough, the tough adjust their sails. But the more important lesson may be all about how denial and revenge don't work.

I have worked with many women with breast cancer. There are commonalities, including unprocessed trauma. Research at the Ben-Gurion University of the Negev in Israel has indicated that adverse life events increase one's susceptibility to breast cancer. The study showed that women who had experienced two or more traumatic events in their lives had a 62% higher risk of developing breast cancer.

Look at the traumas in Elizabeth's life. Her son Wade died at the age of 16 in a car crash. Then she undergoes the physical and emotional stresses that accompany bearing two more children at the ages of 48 and 50, followed by the trauma of being diagnosed with breast cancer and battling the disease into remission. All the while, she's in a hugely stressful situation of helping to orchestrate and run her husband's political career, with her ambition solidly joined to his.

Then, in the midst of the campaign, she learns that this same husband of over thirty years has betrayed her with another woman, and the cancer metastasizes, as does the illicit relationship. Somewhere in that process, she finds out that it was more than a one-night stand, and that he possibly fathered a child with Rielle Hunter.

Another commonality with breast cancer that I see is women who take on too many responsibilities. In Elizabeth's case, that would include taking care of her man/child husband. She mothered him which he apparently both wanted and resented; the affair may well have been an expression of rebellion.

Think of the toxic stew of rage, grief, revenge and depression Elizabeth has churning inside her. So how does she deal with it? Through a lot of denial, for one. Not wanting to hear "that woman's" name spoken in her presence. Not wanting to know if that woman's child is her husband's. Deflecting nearly all of the blame from John and herself to that woman and punishing her by showing off her big "dream home" on Oprah; the home with its solid walls becomes a metaphor for the walls that she hopes will protect her and her family from this interloper. Making John "stand-by" during the Oprah interview, waiting his turn to be grilled.

Denying our emotions is never healthy; they frequently come back to haunt us, psychologically and physically. I often urge people to find healthy ways to express and process their emotions. The only thing worse than denial is revenge.

Isn't writing a tell-all and hitting the TV talk show circuit all about getting in touch with your emotions? I don't think that's what's going on here. Rather than some healthy journaling, it seems much more about control and revenge. Elizabeth may not have succeeded in getting the 100% fidelity she bargained for initially, but by George, I doubt he'd stray now.

Writing and then putting the manuscript in a drawer might have been the wiser choice-- for her own health and the well-being of her children and whatever remains of her relationship with her husband.

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Comments

[Michael McGinnis]

Regarding Elizabeth Edwards' book: Resilience

The person with resilience is John Edwards. His wife has done her best to make sure everyone in the world knows everything about John's most humiliating experiences. And, rather than fighting this, he supports it. He bears his humiliation. He has, literally, given up his self for this.

I see very little in the publication of this book to admire about anyone but John.

She hasn't forgiven John. She revels in perpetuating his humiliation.

[mphsnme]

John Edwards was no longer in love with Elizabeth, but to leave a wife with cancer would ruin him politically. So he had an affair, and it wasn't his first. The affair gains national attention. Elizabeth Edwards could have used her heatlh as a reason to end his candidacy, but she didn't. Now the issue of paternity is out there. Rather than be "resilient" she is exacting revenge. That is all that that book is about, getting revenge on a national scale. Some men cheat because they can. Some men cheat because they are in situations where it would ruin their careers, and they would appear villainous. There is a fine line between John Edwards who would divorce his wife while she is dying of cancer and John Edwards who would cheat on her. It is obvious that Elizabeth's fragile ego could not handle a divorce, and she probably knew of his affairs for years, but to have one brought to light is too much for her. She appeared smug and spiteful in the interview. And she doesn't look or act like someone any man would be excited about coming home to. She begged us for privacy when the news broke, now she begs us to buy her book. I would think someone whose days are numbered would find better things to do with her time. When she is gone, when paternity is determined, when Reielle writes her books, we will hear the whole story, not just Elizabeth's slanted side.

[ggirl]

I think this couple have a lot of issues that they have to work on. Would she have written this book if he had become president? I think she was willing to put everything in the closet if he had become president.

[OnTheCusp]

I say let her print/publish it! It is her story, and she can do whatever she wants with it. Her husband exercised his free will, and now she's exercising hers.

[yellowdoggie]

You're right. The book and interviews smell of revenge. Elizabeth needs to go to a spa or ashram or monastery and meditate and heal.

John will cheat or he won't. It has nothing to do with Elizabeth and everything to do with his own fragile ego.

[findingmuse]

Agreed. Forgiveness isn't really for the other person, it's for yourself. Feel the anger, then find a way to forgive and let go. It's more about healing your own soul than anyone else's.

Having been there--I would tell Elizabeth: what happened to her was terribly unfair, and really really wrong. Affairs are selfish and abusive, towards everyone involved: the affair-haver, the betrayed spouse, the other woman/man, all the children on the side. They're about excitement, ego, and having your cake and eating it too. It doesn't matter why the've happened--all affair-havers have ready excuses to hand out when asked why they're doing it/did it. If people were able to be real with themselves, they'd recognize and admit the affair for what it truly is: an indication nobody in the betrayed relationship is communicating anymore, that something is terribly, terribly broken but nobody's willing to do the hard work to fix it...or recognize it's unfixable and let it go.

I feel sad for Elizabeth whenever I read another article/interview about her book. I think she deserves peace and goodness in her life, and more happy than sad moments.

[cisco1]

I agree - keeping all that revenge and pain inside can make you sick. I know someone who is still holding a grudge against someone from 40 years ago, and is currently fighting cancer of the abdomen. She believes she is a born-again-Christian now, but still can't forgive or let go of the 40-year grudge. Sick people probably won't get better by parading all this bad stuff around?