Huckaby: Abuser Was Abused?
No one ever expects that a 28-year-old Sunday school teacher and mother of a 5-year-old girl could sexually assault her daughter's 8-year-old playmate with a foreign object, murder her, stuff her in a suitcase, and throw the suitcase into a pond. But that's what it seems Melissa Huckaby did to little Sandra Cantu. Although none of us knows for certain at this point why it happened, as an attorney, an expert on sexual abuse (I've worked with thousands of abuse victims), and and a victim of it myself, I am regrettably qualified to speak on this subject.
I strongly suspect that Melissa has been previously abused. She likely learned that the way to release stress and feel a sense of control over her own life was to disempower a child in the same way she she had been disempowered. She probably didn't mean to hurt Sandra so badly that the child would tell her parents about it. Typically, an abuser makes it look like a game, something enjoyable, so it can be kept a secret. It's even more unlikely that Huckaby intended to kill Sandra (unless she was involved in Satanic ritual abuse). The most plausible explanation is that the initial act spiraled out of control through the mindless release of Huckaby's suppressed inner rage, resulting in injury and death of the child.
What happens when children are traumatized is that they take that part of themselves--the part they simply can't accept or understand--and dissociate from it. Huckaby may well have split off from some trauma in her childhood that she never resolved. All that suppressed and denied emotion needs a way out. So how does she get rid of the rage? Not by any means she learned or taught in Sunday school, but by repeating what had happened to her as a child.
Think of Chris Brown for a moment. As he told Tyra Banks, he had grown up seeing his stepfather beat his mother, and he swore he would never do the same. But we repeat what we experience, and now Brown is facing charges from the bloody beating he gave Rihanna. It was a coping mechanism he had learned all too well.
As someone who suffered through sexual abuse that included the use of a foreign object, I would speculate that that was indeed what had happened to Melissa as a child. I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that she had abused other children, possibly even her own daughter. If I were to reconstruct the crime in my mind, I would suspect that there is a pattern of behavior she was following, that it got out of control, and the child's death was an accident.
Watching Huckaby's tears as charges of kidnapping, molestation, and murder were levied against her in court yesterday, I could tell she was ashamed - her body language gives every indication of it. Her darkest secrets are now exposed for all the world to see. Her family has said that this was out of character for her, but we have a hard time recognizing problems in our own children. It's like the mom who keeps wondering why her son isn't married yet, when everyone else can clearly see he's gay.
The public keeps looking for mental illness in Huckaby--it's the only concept they can grasp that gives us some handle on what happened. After all, only about 6 percent of sexual abuse against females is carried out by females alone. When women are sexual predators, they are usually accomplices of their partners rather than initiators of the abuse. If Huckaby's defense team can't establish some sort of diminished capacity, she is in line for the death penalty.
As upsetting and shocking as the circumstances of the child's death are, it doesn't mean Huckaby is crazy. Emotionally traumatized, with no functional way to release her pain and anger, yes. Diminished capacity? Likely, and if so, in California, that will save her from the death penalty. Crazy, no.
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The "count dracula" theory....
Second attempt at this post:
Ah, the infamous "vampire theory", again.
And another thing, all of this is useless speculation. There will be an avalanche of facts yet to be released that are a requisite to having an opinion on THIS case...
I do not believe in the death penalty. I do not think child abuse is a good thing. I was not abused as a child.
I saved a child who had been abducted and raped and raped with a foreign object and was brought onto the property where I was living, probably to be killed. I saw the her abductor's truck and drove down to the orchard where the perpetrator was likely going to dispose of her. So cases like this are of great interest to me because I want to know why nobody gets involved and stops this stuff.
Melissa Huckaby knew what she was doing. She planned it, carried it out and then lied about it. Now she is saying she was abused. When the abductor of the girl I saved was arrested, nobody checked to see if he was abused as a child. At the time of his arrest, he had five children and a pregnant wife at home. What makes Melissa Huckaby's situation any different? The only difference I see is that she did it under the auscpice of the church, which for too long has been the great den of secrecy and covert shenanigans and the nidus of shame.
To make excuses for Ms Huckaby is anti-feminist; it tacitly reinforces the notion that women cannot have control over their actions. Shame on you.
First of all, you're to be really commended for sticking your own neck out and saving another.
Melissa Huckaby isn't saying she was abused. I'm speculating she was, however, from all the evidence. It has been my experience, both personally and from working in this field that that is usually the case.
As for the connection of a church to the Huckaby case, I'm not surprised. Again, it's been my experience that the biggest abusers often hide behind a church.
What is your profesional opinion of mothers who kill their children during the tender years? I only ask because a local ob/gyn said all of the cases of postPartum psychosis she had seen always involved religious women. Not talking baby blues here.
it's not about women not having control, it's about unresolved trauma expressed through an addiction, which could be said to be a physical condition, a sickness. No need to shame a woman for telling her experience is worthless, and then to bring the idea of feminism into it just confuses the issue. Are you saying that women can control themselves, but men can't?
No, I am not stating that women can control themselves and men cannot. I am stating that it seems odd that when a woman acts out it must be for "good reason" and I cannot say that the same "reason" is offered to men who commit similar trespasses against children.
Believe me, I cannot understand the horror that went through that girl I saved, and nearly 20 years later, she crosses my mind every time I read about a similar case. And like I wrote above, I wonder why people are not there to intervene, to stop it. But mostly, I wonder if she can smile, if she can walk down the street and hold her head up; if she can love something, anything, and feel moments of safety.
This is the typical anti-male nonsense of the ultra-far-left wackos. I say that because I'm a centrist and actually scored "moderately left" on a views survey...b
By the way, the police sometimes deliberately withhold information to keep suspects in the dark. In the Bryan Kocis murder case, the police leaked info. to the media that they weren't actively pursuing the case and had no suspects..
Ultra-far-left, possibly; anti-male, most definitely not!
Seriously, I'm not sure what you're taking about here. I make no excuses for Melissa Huckaby nor for anyone who commits abuse.
where does it say a man was behind it?
"According to national surveys, one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused by their 18th birthday."
What's sad to me is that while I know how easy it is too manipulate surveys, I'd imagine this number is absolutely accurate, if not an underestimate. I myself was sexually assaulted by three different men between the ages of 4 and 11 and I was date-raped in my twenties. You never recover fully from that and while it is possible to move on and heal, at least for me, I will never be able to trust the way I should.
Interesting post by King. The first thing that crossed my mind , on reading the text was : It sounds like a re-enactment- in a dissociative state. Tragic- .Illustrates the profound trauma that affects everyone- for generations.
This woman may have done it because she wanted to. She may be someone who enjoys doing this to little girls. There are people like that out there and not all of them have suffered abuse. Some people just enjoy having sex with and harming children. The question of whether or not this woman was abused has nothing to do with what happened to this little girl. It was illegal. Immoral, yes, that too, but illegal nonetheless, and that fact is the only fact that matters. The psychology of the case has little to do in the courtroom unless she is going to enter a plea that directly deals with her state of mind. If she is not going to enter that plea, then the fact of her being abused has nothing to do with anything other than the help I'm sure she will receive once this case has been tried.
This article reinforces research that childhood sexual abuse affects more than just the victim; it is a trans-generational epidemic that needs to be addressed. The first step in helping those who have survived such an ordeal is talk about it and lessen the stigma. We are the Let Go, Let Peace Come In Foundation and we have been established to help heal and support victims of childhood sexual abuse so that they can begin to heal and break the cycle of abuse and violence. Please visit our site at www.letgol
In this case, the ONLY person we KNOW was abused was the murder victim, Sandra Cantu.
There is no evidence that Huckaby was molested as a child, though I am certain that some may be manufactured to stave off the death penalty. But speaking as a survivor of sex abuse from a woman, I am tired of survivors being indicted by the evil and sin of others. Most survivors of child sex abuse do NOT abuse sexually. And yes, there are child molesters who were never molested as children, although many psychologists will fill that gap with an "it must have happened somewhere" statement where there is no such testimony.
You've heard the BS too long. Take a break. Huckaby committed a gross sin, a chosen evil, and a horrible crime, wittingly, willingly, with forethought and deliberate follow-through. She can repent. She cannot and should not get off with the lame excuse of "I was abused." So was I. It's a tragedy, not an excuse.
'a chosen sin'
eveyone remember that
As a person sitting on the board of directors of a state chapter of Prevent Child Abuse American, I can wholly endorse what Deborah King has written in this article. When I first heard that Melissa Huckaby was being charged with the murder of Sandra Cantu and then heard of additional rape charges, the infamous case of 'Sybil' came to mind, and for those who are too young to recall the contents, I would urge them to read this book. With regards to the comment by one poster that compassionate consideration for Huckaby will only be used to get her sentance reduced, I would recommend a reading of Abby Stein's "Prologue to Violence", wherein she rightfully indicates that such considerations rarely reduce sentances by much and that ultimately such individuals necessarily are removed from situations where they can cause such harm again. None of this will help the fact that Sandra Cantu is dead and that Huckaby's own daughter would have a high likelyhood of having suffered similar sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. It would be my desire to see the trail of abuse in this case followed further back to Melissa's parents or caretakers, since this would corroborate the already weighty evidence that child molesters are "made", not born.
Have you lost your mind? All this does is offer her other venues of dodging punishment for what she did. She KILLED a little girl - she had enough presence of mind to dispose of the body - she should have enough presence of mind to come up with her own feeble attempt to get out of it - you don't need to offer her possible scenarios. She needs to be held accountable for her actions. That is a young life cut too short for no reason at all....sha
Thanks for this article and for outlining the sad truth behind sexual abuse — that victims become perpetrators. Not all victims, but I'm sure the majority of sexual offenders were once victims of sexual assaults. I am one of the MANY victims. I truly believe if more people were able to share their stories instead of falsely believing they were responsible for the abuse or are bad or dirty, or one of just a handful of people out there who experience sexual abuse, we could make some progress putting an end to this evil. When something is a secret hiding in the shadows, it is free to fester and spread like a disease. But until people aren't made to feel shame at being a victim, until we start talking about this as being a common experience for many and owning up to the fact that yes, this happens and yes, this happens in good communities, in schools, in churches, we will make no progress. When sexual abuse is talked about openly, when our society acknowledges that that no, just because it was your coach, your Sunday School teacher, your uncle, it doesn't mean you have to hide in shame, that yes, others have experienced and recovered from this, when a lunch conversation turns to this story and someone feels free enough to say calmly, "I was sexually assaulted as a child" and start the conversation, then victims will be free to seek help and to heal their wounds.
Thanks for your article, it gives excellent insite to such a distrubing event.
You know Deborah, you really hit this head on. some abuse victims turn out the opposite as Melissa Huckaby, they will help everyone that they can & do anything to prevent any abuse for any person that they can, while other abuse victims, like Huckaby, turn into the monster that once hurt them. Being a sexual abuse & rape victim at 13, I can say that it was the hardest thing I ever went to, I believe anyone in the same situation would agree, HOWEVER. You have 2 choices, you LEARN & YOU HEAL or you stay trapped in that mindset, living in the past with a bunch of issues. I believe that this was Melissa's own way of healing (in her sick mind) to take the innocence of a child. I do hope that she spends the rest of her life in jail. I believe anyone that touches a child inappropriately should rot in jail!
Reguardless of what Huckaby endured as a child, it is still her fault! For me personally, since I endured that pain, I would NEVER even consider that road because you know what it is like, how bad it hurts inside & there is no forgiving what she has done, 'accident' or not, she took the life of an innocent child, I feel no sympathy for her.
Thank you, Deborah, for speaking out about the abuse that had been inflicted on you. Survivors need to use their voices and have the freedom to speak about these experiences so that society will recognize that sexual abuse does occur and that it has many long term ramifications. I wish that more survivors had the courage to speak out so that victims would recognize that there is no shame in it for them. Perpetrators, on the other hand, deserve every punishment that the law bestows on them.
The loss of Sandra Cantu is heartbreaking. I hope that we can learn some lessons from this awful case and make our neighborhoods safer for children as a result.
"All that suppressed and denied emotion needs a way out. So how does she get rid of the rage?" - Well it looks to me like she has found a way to let it out and pack it up in her suitcase!
One of the most disturbing headlines of recent memory! Great insights!
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