Rihanna and Chris: The Myths That Shape Their Behavior

Today's news about this ongoing public peek into domestic violence is that Rihanna is "torn" about helping the cops because she still loves Chris. This is the classic line of a woman who is unconsciously programmed to come up with excuses for her man. And if, in fact, it's not the first time he abused her, then Rihanna indeed is a victim of the myths that so many still believe.

The basic patriarchal myth throughout the Judeo-Christian-Muslim world is that "women are the root of all evil." It leads to women having to cover their bodies -- from wigs for Orthodox Jewish women to the veils of Muslim women and the long clothing of some Christian sects -- as well as how they think about themselves and the treatment they get from men. Somehow, a woman who gets beaten like Rihanna "deserves" what she gets, since she must have done something bad to bring about that response. It's a convenient myth for the patriarchal mindset that still rules much of the world.

That underlying myth is followed closely by "stand by your man, no matter what." You love him, so you have to forgive him. His misbehavior was likely your fault. Take him back and pray it doesn't happen again. After all, a woman is "nothing without a man." It was just a year ago we watched Silda Spitzer stand mutely by her man, ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, as he sabotaged his career with a high-priced call girl. The pain on her face should be a warning to any woman who thinks she should go the same route.

Obviously, many teens today are a lot smarter. They've grown up with independent-thinking and acting mothers. They are appalled by what happened and the reaction against Chris Brown has been swift. But many others, who have commented on articles and blogs, insist it must have been Rihanna's fault, so the myths still live.

All the facts have yet to come out, but it's clear that Chris is as much a product of the beliefs he absorbed in childhood as is Rihanna. He now has a great opportunity--even a gift--of being able to find out at such a young age that this unconscious behavior doesn't work and he needs to form his own value system.

A study done in 2005 showed that one out of every three teenagers knows a friend who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked, or physically hurt by their partner. Watching this domestic violence scenario play out in front of their eyes in the media can powerfully impact teens and young adults. If the pop princess straightens up and lets Brown fly right out the door, she is making a strong statement that love shouldn't hurt like that and that women aren't going to put up with that patriarchal cr*p any longer. And Chris can powerfully impact all the confused young men who might believe that women deserve to be slapped around now and again by admitting his mistake and making sure it never happens again.

Comments

[CarlyHope]

Your comments about Orthodox Jewish women are not factually accurate.

As a Jew and a survivor of domestic violence I find them highly offensive.

[Deerenique]

Men need to realize one thing if women got together and just had miscarriages and abortions everytime we got pregnant especially knowing they are men, there would be no men on the earth. When they think women as second hand people on the earth that means their mother is just the same...if rihanna is not trying to kill chris then there should be not reason why he should've not walked away...and for fighting back...look at rihanna and look at chris (in a car) what can she possibly do.

[Meng Bomin]

I agree that she should leave him. However, I think this column's explanation of her motives sounds contrived and I doubt that it provides an accurate model for the situation. Humans are not rational actors and I think that the column vastly over-attributes behavior to mythology.

That said, the message that domestic abuse is under-stigmatized is, I think, one that needs to come out of this. I've seen far too much defense of Chris Brown's actions.

[ohioan73]

I agree with everything in this article. Abused women in love are not viewing their attacker as someone who violates the unspoken "protection agreement" between men and women in relationships. He should be there to defend you from abusers and be your friend, otherwise, you are better off by yourself.

Rhianna is singing the song of an inexperienced and naive young girl and its doing a disservice to other women in her situation. These larger than life pop stars have a responsibility to the kids that look up to them and she must take a hard stand against domestic abuse and dump his a$$ and press charges.

[Steadyguy]

I'm disagree with the post below. There's never an excuse for violence in a relationship. As a man, I'm aware that we men have unconsciously been sold a system of beliefs that still puts women in the back seat. My girlfriend says that women believe this even more than men. Go, Deborah!

[xidke]

I'm bothered by this article. While I recognize the harm caused to women by the patriarchal myth, moving beyond the era of patriarchy also requires the recognition that feminism is about choice. I think that Ms. King unfairly passes judgment on two relationships (Rihanna/Brown and the Spitzers) that she knows nothing about. She implies that there is only one way to handle mistreatment in a relationship ("to straighten up and let him fly out the door") without being sensitive to the unique emotional circumstances that - at least at one time- made those relationships work. I believe that problems in a relationship can be resolved without the mistreated, whether man or woman, believing that they deserved the mistreatment. The article fails to acknowledge this.

I too, hope that Rihanna "lets him fly out the door," and becomes a role model for standing up against domestic violence. But if she does, I hope that it's the right decision for her in her unique relationship circumstances, and not because she feels pressured to make an example of herself. This article, I fear, does exactly that.

[parvati]

Deborah brings up an important point here. We think we've gone beyond the patriarchal era, when in fact we're still living the results of thousands of years of women being treated as second class citizens of the world. In fact, patriarchy is alive and well and flourishing in America. I sincerely hope Rihanna and Chris use their prominent positions in the teen world to set a good example for a new paradigm.

[Landgeek]

Ahhh, and you are also forgetting about all the mental, emotional and verbal abuse that women put up with from the men in their lives (and vice versa in some cases). That kind of abuse is just as crippling as physical abuse, albeit in a different way. Systematically destroying someone's self esteem, threatening, yelling, putting down, cheating, lying, manipulating etc. can devastate someone just as badly as hitting can and it can take years to recover. Women need to learn that you don't need to be with a man who treats you badly in any way, that isn't love and you don't need that cr@p.

[AreYouSerious]

I could not agree more! Nice piece.