Did you know that divorce is a process?
di·vorce (dĭ-vôrs′, -vōrs′) n. the legal dissolution of a marriage; v. to sever the marital relationship with a spouse by a judgment or decree of divorce.
If divorce were as straightforward as the dictionary definition, the process would be a whole lot easier. But, the reality is, there are two sides to divorce -- the emotional and the legal.
Couples, children, and extended families could carry on with their lives as if nothing much had changed. The "legal dissolution" could involve collegial discussions in lawyers' boardrooms followed by the signing of papers, a handshake, and best wishes all around. Actually, some lawyers and judges favor the dictionary definition. "Treat your divorce as a business transaction," they urge couples who come to see them. There's a lot of wisdom in this piece of advice, if it is applied to the legal side of divorce. But this view neglects the emotional side of divorce. It's as if they're saying, "Business partnerships . . . marriage partnerships . . . what's the difference?"
Most people who have gone through a divorce -- and most lawyers and judges, too -- will tell you that the dictionary definition captures only one small part of the reality of divorce.
Divorce is an extremely demanding and painful experience riddled with complications.
When divorce isn't tragic, it's at least extremely disappointing. A relationship that was launched in a hopeful wedding ceremony followed by candlelight and the celebratory clinking of glasses has turned into a fire fueled by fear, anger, grief, and guilt.
I know, having gone through divorce myself, that it is both a business transaction (which I certainly didn't realize at the time) and a time of deep emotional distress (which I experienced all too well). And while it would be really nice if the two elements could be handled one after the other -- you could spend a few years dealing with the emotional issues, and then, heart and head clear, go through the legal process -- I also know that emotions and legal processes cannot be clinically separated.
But the ultimate challenge of divorce is precisely this: the legal issues come up at the beginning of the process, when you're least able to deal with them objectively.
Managing the "emotional" and the "legal" divorce
A smart divorce is one in which you accept that:
- Both the emotional and legal sides of divorce are real and valid
- You have to go through both, and pretty much at the same time
- Emotions and the legal process cannot be perfectly sealed off from each other
To get a smart divorce, you have to understand how to keep the "two divorces" -- the emotional divorce and the legal divorce -- as separate as possible. Emotions should be kept out of the legal proceedings as much as possible. Letting your emotions become part of your legal decision-making process will ratchet up your legal costs, cause you to make faulty decisions, prolong the divorce process, and hold everyone back -- yourself included -- from moving on to a rosier future.
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I don't wish divorce on anyone.
Tina www.onemomsbattle.com
It is like winning the lottery. You are guaranteed a lifetime income, backed by an insurance policy paid for by the person handing over the check every month. If they don't pay, you just ring up your lawyer, AT THE OTHER PARTIES EXPENSE, and have wages garnished, passports and driver licenses revoked, and ultimately, the other party jailed. It doesn't matter if they have lost their job or their health, because as long as they have assets, the judge will order them liquidated to pay your alimony.
All while you live with your new boyfriend/girlfriend, and travel, party and live the good life. When retirement rolls around, you get an even bigger payday, because you can then start collecting half of their Social Security in ADDITION to the alimony you already receive.
So yes, of course divorce is smart, as long as you file in Colorado and have managed to stay married for 20 years before filing. If you are coming up on 20 years in your marriage, start planning your vacation now. You only have to be a "resident" here for 90 days before filing. Get a P.O. Box and rent a room with a Colorado address ahead of time, come here on vacation 90 days later, and file for divorce.
CHA-CHING!
1) A business partnership is like a marriage, and
2) Never enter a business partnership without having an exit strategy, a formal description of how you plan to end the partnership
As for 1), maybe so, but when it comes to 2) one begins to suspect that 1) is more wrong than right, because almost no marriages begin with an exit strategy or prenuptial agreement. Instead, they are all begun with the unrealistic expectation that they will last forever. Most do, in fact, last forever, or close to it. But that doesn't justify every married couple subscribing to the premise that their vows really do mean "till death do you part."
I think we would all be better off if we understood the reality of marriage and divorce and reflected that understanding in the legal underpinnings and perhaps the ceremonial vows as well. That means most importantly that many more, if not all, marriages would include some sort of exit strategy or prenuptial agreement, a formal understanding of how the partnership would end, if it did. Then marriages and business partnerships would truly be more alike.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce
Emotions should be kept separate, but if you are the parent losing custody of your children, how does one swallow the emotional loss of that?
I well recall the dozens and dozens of times I'd have to return my little girl to her mom - but my daughter didn't want to go - and clung to me like a monkey - crying her heart out while my ex-wife had to physically pull her off.
I would drive away and see my daughter in tears, with her arms reaching out for me, as her mom carried her back into the house wearing a smug look on her face.
How do you separate or contain emotions like that?
And I'm not even considering the loss of material things (like house, possessions, etc.) nor the fact that I'll have paid over three hundred thousand dollars in child support by the time my daughter finishes college, while I've been forced to live in my car at times, work slavish hours, left with no retirement nor health care.
Debra, how does one separate emotion from the "business side" of divorce?
Apparently women can do it, I don't know any men who can.....
Thank you for your comment and I empathize with you. I do not want to diminish the emotional turmoil experienced through divorce and post divorce. And, I understand the difficulty of co-parenting in a high conflict relationship, it certainly isn't easy.
It's not that woman can do it, and men can't....it's more about loving parents who are able to put their children's best interests first. A parent who is deliberately alienating their children from the other parent is setting their children up for long term emotional damage and certainly not in the children's best interest. Both women and men are equally guilty of acting out on their emotions and neglecting to do what is best for the children.
What I am hoping to do with my articles is to educate parents about the divorce process so that they understand the importance of putting their children's best interest first, and not act out on an agenda of revenge, anger, blame, victimization and so on. These instances will only increase legal bills, keep an already inflamed situation burning, and only hampers one from moving forward in an emotionally healthy manner.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply.
I think it is great that you are trying to make parents understand how important it is to work together. If only they all could...
My observation is that: As long as only one parent gets custody of the children, the other parent becomes an also-ran - much at the whim of the custodial parent and the government.
I believe shared parenting, where each parent gets the child half the time, where child support is minimal, and where both divorced parents are on equal footing, is the best solution. And most importantly, father's who have for decades been separated from their children, would suddenly have the ability to fully parent them.
It would be a huge win for children, with time spent equally amongst BOTH parents.
I don't think it will happen in my lifetime, as the divorce/child support/government is a billion dollar plus industry currently designed to strip fathers away from their children and divide families.
But I hope by the time my daughter marries, that shared parenting will be the new law of the land.
The rest of the stuff that comes up is about the relationship and has nothing to do with the actual divorce. If you have a divorce lawyer, don't get your divorce lawyer engaged in it. It is how/where a divorce lawyer will separate you and assets (you once had) that you more wisely can use for your children or for making your life better after the divorce.
Most divorces are unilateral decisions forced upon one party by the other. Almost all divorces are opposed by the children involved. These concerns appear to have some validity. Divorced men have more than twice the risk of suicide that married men have. Children of divorced parents experience elevated risks for suicide, depression, drug and alcohol abuse and other significant and lasting ills.
The "it worked out for all" description promoted by some apologists for divorce would appear to be, in the typical case, supported primarily by wishful thinking. That is not to say it's never good to divorce. Sometimes not wearing a seatbelt can save your life, if the car goes in the river or catches fire. Still, few people defend refusing to wear seatbelts as a good idea. Instead they look at the typical outcomes, and decide maybe they should buckle up. Why don't we take a similar attitude toward divorce? It's a puzzle.
Divorce is about using the assets of divorcing households to fund and sustain the divorce industry.