Divorce's Collateral Damage

"I need to stand by my brother; we can't be friends any more."

This is a moment Ashley had with her friend--and soon to be ex-sister-in-law. A bond nourished for over 23 years was broken. There were tears and hugs, but the closure was hard to accept. Why does divorce lead to this kind of moment over and over?

When some people are faced with a friend or family member who is going through divorce, it just seems easier not to have to take sides. For others, the relationship is severed because it was never really all that important. And there are people that try to maintain a relationship with both, and continue the link with grace.

Of course it's not all just tears and hugs: Charlotte, who has been divorced for 5 years, told me she was relieved not to have to fake being nice to certain relatives and friends any more. But for others like Ashley, there can be a deep sadness at the loss of these relationships. Some individuals also experience an identity loss, as they are no longer welcome in certain social circles, invited to parties or know where to sit at their child's soccer game.
How to get through

Jan Schloss, a social worker, certified parenting coach and family mediator, often discusses with her clients the issues related to the loss of these relationships.

There are different ways to look at it, says Schloss. These are loyalty issues, where many privately consider, "Who am I going to side with, and how can I be friends with both?"

One of the suggestions she makes to clients when confronting the loss is to "redefine who you are and how you would like to be in this new phase of your life." And for those that think there may be a possibility of maintaining a relationship, Schloss says, "Remember, you are not divorcing your in-laws or extended family that you loved and felt clearly connected."

There might be potential to continue that connection, but prepare yourself emotionally if you can't.

Here are the top 5 things to consider when coming to terms with the loss of these relationship

You don't have to grin and bear it alone
Seek the help of a professional to help you cope with grieving the loss of these relationships.

Find strength from other relationships
Divorce is a process; accept that there will be losses. Maintaining a positive outlook will help you stay strong and develop other fulfilling relationships.

Redefine who you are
Ask yourself, "Who am I?" and "What do I want out of life?" Shed the notion that you need to define yourself by who you were when married.

Eliminate negativity
Consistently taking about the loss of these relationships will drive people away; it means you have not moved on. Speaking negatively to your children about their extended family will make them feel that they are betraying you if they have a relationship with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and you don't want your children to feel like they have to keep secrets from you.

Put your children's best interest first
If your children have had a positive and loving relationship with extended family and friends, it is important to keep up the connections because good relationships impact on how the children feel about themselves.

For some, divorce can feel like the beginning of a Cold War, with tension between two factions: your side and his. Divorce not only represents the uncoupling of a partnership, but can also result in the loss of other relationships, which were important to you while married. As the saying goes, time heals. Gradually, you will come to accept these losses and no longer feel the void.

This article first appeared on More.ca

 

 

 

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Comments

[Jlong]

02:07 PM on 08/05/2011

My wife left me after having several affairs. Some of our mutual friends are going to remain mutual friends; it seems that the circumstances don't much matter to them. The few members of her side of the family that know the few details we've shared, are angry with her, but of course still want a relationship with her AND especially with me. My family however... I don't think any of them want to talk to her.

When my brother went through this, it took years for my parents to talk to my brother's ex. Wonder if that'll happen with mine.

[Ellie22634]

03:31 PM on 08/01/2011

My daughter has been friends with all the Aunts and Nieces on her Husbands side. They loved her and stood by her in all the last almost 20 years since the divorce. They will always be her good friends and I love them for that. I think they wanted her to re-marry, but she had a son to raise and couldn't find a husband she thought would love him enough. She's now 55 and her son is soon to marry and she will be alone. I always wanted more for her; after all, her ex remarried after only a year and was free as a bird with the new wife AND HER CHILDREN. His Aunts and others in the family were very good to her.

[guysalsburg]

02:26 PM on 08/01/2011

Legally a divorce only severs the relationship of the spouses. Your mother-in-law still remains your mother-in-law, your sister or brother-in-law still is your sister or brother-in-law, etc. If you have developped a relationship with in-laws that/those relationships still exist and no one in your family or your ex's family has the right to demand you sever it/them. You did not establish these relationships / friendships simply because of your marriage, they were created over time between friends. Just as getting married should not disband friendships, neither should getting divorced.
I am divorced and some of my friends from during that marriage still email with me. My wife is also once divorced and has some friends from during that marriage. It is the immature and/or weak of mind who allow a friend's or relative's divorce to determine who can and can not be your friend.

[shoequeen731]

02:16 PM on 08/01/2011

I was divorced after 25 yrs. My husband was abusive and I was always afraid of what he would do. He told me after the divorce to NEVER have anything to do with his family "or else". I did call his mom so much and we talked...but never really got my side across. He in turns feels he has free rain to my family and my sisters and father and can visit them anytime he wants. I feel my family has turned on me and allows and accepts what he's done to me.....I don't understand it all.

[ttrexxx]

03:52 PM on 08/01/2011

get it out.. write them a letter then fork um....better by yourself ... new friends can be family too

[vieragam]

02:05 PM on 08/01/2011

When I got divorced, my friends were "our friends". They all dumped both of us to avoid having to choose. Hurtful, sad loss. I lost his family. But my adult children always say they always ask about me, and when I do see them I am greeted with warmth & hugs. Big loss for me. I lost my home, possessions, and let's just say everything except myself. It was a bad time, but I am at peace now. Took a long time though.

[Mike Olmon]

02:01 PM on 08/01/2011

Collateral Damage is extensive. After 20 years, I just found out from a friend of ours that my former husband told him after our divorce,"I have a new life now; I don't want to maintain our relationship." Our formerly mutual friend had tears in his eyes when he told me, obviously still hurt after all this time. (He had originally been my former husband's friend and was open to being friends with both of us, but apparently my ex-husband needed to start fresh with everything - too difficult for him apparently.) What's ironic is that I'm not the one who wanted the divorce!

[risingsongs]

12:40 PM on 08/01/2011

My ex and I never subscribed to the school of thought that says you have to divvy up your friends and family along with the furniture in a divorce. As a result, I still enjoy wonderful friendships with his siblings and his mother. I also encourage the kids to see them as much as possible; after all, half of who each kid is comes from my ex's side of the family.

I remember being very nervous about seeing my mother-in-law for the first time after we separated, but she gave me a big hug and told me she wasn't happy it had ended but she understood why. I knew then and there it would be okay.

[mebemommee06]

11:51 AM on 08/01/2011

My ex was abusive and threaten me.I have only got in contact with his mother to tell her my feelings. and funny thing, she felt the same. I was great friends with his one sister, he had 6 siblings. I had to sever contact from her because I was deadly afraid of him, I had gone to court over his abuse and lost. So he had that power over me. I still miss her!

[lexsird]

09:05 AM on 07/30/2011

All of this and gay people fight to be a part of it. I just stand amazed and ask "Why?" Then I want to mock those who claim gay marriage destroys the sanctity of marriage. Divorce laws, particularly "no fault divorce" have made divorce wholesale. Marriage was burnt toast long before gays got around to wanting on board. Too bad they don't spend their efforts towards forging a new contract based civil union law, something that would benefit everyone, instead of trying to jump on this dangerous, broken carnival ride of marriage. Wouldn't that be a knee slapper of comedy and irony, the gays teaching the straights how to do it right?

[J R M]

06:58 PM on 07/29/2011

My first wife divorced me after 21 years. I made no attempt to get friends or relatives to take sides. They were welcome to remain friends with both of us.I have met my ex twice since the divorce - when our two daughters married. We sat together as mother and father of the bride and behaved civilly.

Go on with your life. There is no point making yourself or others miserable over old issues.

[manntxs]

10:42 AM on 08/01/2011

JRM, very similar circumstances here and after the divorce was final the only thing I asked of friends and relatives was simple, no discussion of me or my life with her. After 20+ years who was I to dictate relationships.

[vibroluxor]

04:53 PM on 07/29/2011

Know that your friends react to the information you give them. if you want to pretend your actions were not a factor in the divorce, most of them will respond accordingly.