"It's the weekend and once again, I am dreading the feeling of being alone." I hear this sentiment expressed all too often from many divorcées -- be it at the beginning of their separation, or from those that have been divorced for years.
Is it possible to embrace the feeling of aloneness and actually do something positive about it? You bet it is.
At the beginning of their separation or divorce, many people often feel abandoned or sidelined by their married friends. I tend to think of it as the "fifth wheel bug". Don't worry, it's not something you catch -- but the discomfort is there. The dynamics of socializing often change upon separation and divorce. While the situation of being the odd person out in a couple's world -- a Noah's Ark society -- is not uncommon, it can be unnerving. Suddenly single, it's at this time in your life when you need the love and support of your friends like never before.
I not only hear about the loneliness frequently from my clients and friends, but experienced this first hand when I was newly separated. Not every couple excludes the single person, but there are lots who do. There are many reasons why the single person is left out, so don't take it personally. It is easier to fit four or six around a table than three or five. Balanced, even.
What you need to understand is that this is not about you. It's about the way your friends feel about your situation -- or their own. Some people are threatened if they are not in a perfect relationship and seeing you happy might make them feel uncomfortable. I've also learned that happily married couples don't always mean to overlook their single friends; it's just that they are less likely to think outside the Ark on the weekends.
Coco Johnson (M.S.W., RSW), a therapist in private practice in Oakville, Ontario, helps her patients understand what might be going on socially around them. For instance, "if the woman precipitates the ending of the marriage, that may be threatening to another woman, in a mediocre situation, who has decided to stay and settle."
She helps her patients see that "It is better to be alone than lonely in a relationship. Sometimes people are very lonely and have very terrible lives while married; they just didn't anticipate the loss of their marriage." Johnson's advice is that "it isn't catastrophic to be alone, especially if you came from a marriage where you were lonely."
Here are some tips to overcoming your loneliness which building your new social life:
Pursue your passions and interests Living your life by doing the things you enjoy will open up a whole new world of people and opportunity. It also provides you with the chance to meet people with similar interests. Join or start your own walking group or book club.
Be adventurous -- and move outside your comfort zone. Jumping the hurdles of your uneasiness by doing something you enjoy alone will give you greater confidence, while making you a more interesting person with experiences to share. Enjoy a movie, browse the bookstore, see the latest exhibit at a museum or art gallery.
Follow your dreams If you've always wanted to study a new language, take a course, join a conversational group or do it in style -- learn it in France or Spain. There are lots of ways to travel and not feel alone. Sit at the bar of a fabulous restaurant, join a tour for solo travelers, request to share a room if on a tour, ask a friend to join you in your latest adventure.
Make new single friends Ask your friends if they know of someone single to introduce you to, not for a romantic relationship but friendship. Be daring, go to a singles event on your own; after all, that's why people are there -- to meet others.
Be happy and honest with yourself It is important to admit to the loneliness, because sometimes it's that loneliness that will drive you out and sets you on the path to find a partner. If you find you need encouragement, want to be introspective and overcome your obstacles, then perhaps work it through with a therapist, support group, clergy member or a trusted friend.
Divorce is rich in opportunities to learn and grow. You may find that over time, you will build a more interesting social network than the one you had while married.
Make the time to learn what really makes you happy and find ways to enjoy your alone time. There are times that you will feel lonely, but that is part of what it means to be divorced, and once you embrace that feeling instead of pretending you're never lonely, it also opens up the joys of solitude and time to reach out to the world to search out that which makes you happy.
This article first appeared on more.ca
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I think when you do these things on your own, it enhances any future relationship because you have the self confidence of knowing you can be alone, and that being with someone is completely by choice, not by peer pressure or by what you think society demands, and it allows you to be more selective about who you share your life with again.
For 20+ years I traveled the world on business. My wife ran her own business so couldn't join me. I can't drink alcohol due to severe allergies and had no interest in one night stands, so I had two choices:
- watch TV in a language I didn't speak, or
- Figure out what wonderful things the city had and explore. I learned to enjoy exploring life on my own. I attended a performance of Les Miz in Singapore. I learned about how electronic clocks work at a small factory in Taipei. I explored Melbourne (it is eerily similar to San Francisco) .
I was a zombie for a year after my wife died, then one day I woke up and decided that the world was too wonderful for me to sit at home.
So now whenever I see something that looks interesting , I do it. If Someone can go with me, great, BUT if no one can go with me, I still go and enjoy the experience.
One of the things I learned from losing my wife is that life is short and it is stupid to waste it.Enjoy it while you can , even if you do it by yourself.
Women especially need to get out and do what they like, make new friends if necessary, but above all enjoy life . DO NOT SIT AT HOME feeling sorry for yourself.
In reality, most of us can not be alone anyway because we live in cities where there are always people around. Get to know some of those people you are around every day.
Yes, some of them are dangerous creeps (learn to spot them and stay far away from them), most are just boring (don't waste your time), but more than a few will enrich your life.
One fireman scammed her, because he had to have an apartment in the city, but his real home was in the burbs with his wife. He even gave my mom an engagement ring. When she found out, she went to the wife with pictures of them holding hands, the ring, etc.
My sis, also beautiful, did the same thing when her then husband cheated with a married woman. She went to the couple's house and outed the relationship.
Morale of the story, never lie to mom and sis.