Do you remember The Brady Bunch? Mike Brady marries Carol Martin; they each bring into this second marriage three children (three boys, three girls), and this blended family of eight live happily ever after. And don't forget Alice, the live-in housekeeper, keeping it all together and running smoothly. Little conflict, lots of love, and always fun.
But alas, that was the early 70s. It was a time of love, light and humanity. Four decades later, people still yearn for love, but we've become a fast food culture where decisions are made at lightening speed, and consequences are an afterthought.
Case in point: my friend Annie. Divorced for seven years and raising two children on her own, she was at a New Year's dinner party when she met Gary, who had been divorced for three years with two children. Eleven months later, after an incredible whirlwind relationship, they were in the judges' chambers exchanging wedding vows. Within 30 minutes a new family unit was formed. Sounds wonderful, but the Brady Bunch union it was not.
When Annie and Gary pledged to be together forever, a new family dynamic was thrust upon their children. The children now became step-siblings, barely knew each other, and were used to different households. This was not one big happy family; there was conflict, chaos and frustration. The children did not get along well, were used to different sets of house rules, study habits, and different monthly allowances.
Sandy Shuler, a social worker and certified Canadian family educator in Calgary (http://www.familylifeworks.ca), advises clients that when blending a family, the first thing they should do is not to have preconceived ideas and unrealistic expectations about what the family is going to look like.
"Every family is unique in terms of the way it looks and the way it operates. Expecting that there is going to be an instant connection and bonding situation when there are children involved can lead to disappointment and challenges," Shuler says. "Just because the adults are thrilled about the idea of merging does not mean that the children are, so the adults need to go into the situation realistically with their eyes wide open."
Shuler advises couples act proactively, and tackle issues before blending the family: "Prior to blending, go to a counselor and finding out what the likely hot spots are going to be." (If money might be a hot spot - and it probably will be - here's what to consider about blended family finances.)
New family relationships require time to form, making patience key. "It can take up to seven years for this new family to gel and bond, especially if the children are older," Shuler says. Time, commitment and patience are required of all family members if the new family unit is to succeed; Shuler says, "For some families, the best outcome is simply a cooperative co-existence."
Tips for successfully blending families
Help kids adapt to the new family configuration Children will belong to two households/families; they need guidance to adjust to different set of rules, expectations, and systems.
Bonding takes time Don't expect children to love and adore each other or your new partner right away. In some cases, the best case scenario would be working towards courtesy and respect. Building caring relationships between children and their new step-parent/family is a process that requires time and patience.
Be open to discussion Creating opportunities for family discussions, problem-solving and negotiation helps children manage.
Prepare the family for a change Establishing new family patterns, rituals and traditions help children feel a sense of belonging and shared memories.
Understand the new relationship Clarifying roles, responsibilities and expectations in the blended family serves as a "road map" with strategies for building relationships and a solid framework for the family unit.
Develop a conflict resolution strategy Conflict is a part of all families. Combined families have more complex and diverse needs and emotions in dealing with conflict; a solid conflict resolution model helps to address these issues.
Demonstrate your love Children need reassurance that they are loved and are still a priority to their biological parent, as loyalty issues can arise.
Discipline your own, and step back for his children The general rule of thumb about discipline is that the biological parent is the one who guides the discipline for their own children when there are step-children living together. But within one household the rules need to be consistently applied for all children who live there--and there should not be two sets of rules.
Given that a high proportion of marriages end in divorce, a large number of people in their middle years again become available for marriage. It's a no wonder that almost half of Canadian families are "blended" and more than 81% of these families have children from the current union.
But the bottom line is what ever you call it--a step family, blended family, combined family--it's a newly reconfigured family unit. It takes time to bring this new family together, and it takes effort--just remember to resolve conflict, demonstrate love and find the fun.
This article first appeared on more.ca http://www.more.ca/relationships/family-and-friends/remarriage-avoid-the-blended-family-breakdown/a/29507/2
Follow Deborah Moskovitch on Twitter: www.twitter.com/thesmartdivorce
In a good stepfamily every member is treated with dignity, care, and respect (initially love may not be in the equation). A healthy step or biological family is one in which each person feels the support to grow to his or her full potential.
"Blended Families", like the Brady Bunch, are a cute notion.
But they are also rare.
Most divorced dads, or single dads don't even like to date women who have their own children by previous relationships. They look for single, unattached women who are then expected to take on the role of step mom. There are dynamics that enter the picture that I don't see mentioned...including in laws. The same in laws who loathed the "ex", may suddenly find them saintly. Ouch. Stories will be shared that you have no context to...or any part of, leaving you feeling like a fifth wheel.
But more important, there are unspoken agendas. If one person "prefers" their own family in every instance, there will be trouble. Some people are not interested in fair---particularly where money is concerned. There will always be conflict.
Blended can be done...but it takes maturity, and empathy...something frequently absent today.
My stepkids, son aged 15 and daughter aged 11, were 6 and 18 months respectively when their dad I began dating. I knew bonding with them would be a gradual thing (and have been extremely blessed in that department), but would not budge on the idea that I am an adult in my own home and you will respect me as such. It was a bit old-fashioned, but my kids are the better for it. It should be stated I had the full backing of their father, who taught them through example and followed up with discussion when necessary.
He has white carpet ? Two kids and a creek near by ?? I said all this last year to him , we wanted to see if "love" was the great equalizer ??? Will see . Great article thanks for the chance to vent a bit.
None in my family is the most functional, but my siblings and I have a degree, and we're only slightly to mid-level emotionally stunted.
I can't trust guys because I've never had a good example. Guys that don't want to cheat, lie, or abuse you are far and few between. My husband is still pushing that boulder up hill. He's the only guy allowed in all of my life, even my father is excluded at times.
Buckle up is the scientology mantra, a rather naive and misinformed idea, if not awkward, backward thinking and generally not a very healthy way to treat a problem.
Open communication, developing trust in the new family, showing the children that their parent still loves them, doing things as a family and respect of the parents and of the children go a long way.
It's the psychologists I have the problem with, they can't deal with their own problems so they think nobody else can either. Guess what? We can! And I don't have to be what you consider "The best" or "perfect" or any such thing to know I'm doing just great out in the real world. I do know, however, that lots of people who are coddled, and all decisions based off their feelings, really can not deal with the real world and the fact that it doesn't always work out that way.
Nope. No degree in psychology. Just common sense. Not everybody has a perfect home life, and a child psychologist isn't going to change that.