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Find Your Inner Superhero

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In the first Kick-Ass movie, Dave Lizewski, comic-book-geek-turned-superhero, creates his own costume out of a wetsuit he orders off the Internet. As I watched this, and in spite of all the violence, I decided that I want to be a superhero. I've given up my dreams of being a rock star, but age doesn't hold the same impediment for superheroes. After all, you have superpowers that make it possible to pull all-nighters and bound from the tops of skyscrapers, even if you are middle-aged. As a single mother with two kids, an impending divorce and a scramble of a career, I need all the help I can get.

It's better to think about what superpowers I want, instead of whining to my girlfriends about how tired and anxious I am. I discovered a new role model recently in the form of Alice Guy-Blaché, the first woman film director. I like thinking that she had something close to superpowers as a major innovator in film, owner of her own studio, filmmaker and mother -- all at time when women couldn't even vote. From her I'll take clear focus, aka being able to see for miles away and through closed teenage bedroom doors. I'm thinking this will be better even than Google Glass because no one will know I've got this ability.

I've admired Athena since I was 8 and discovered Greek mythology. From her I'll take shape-shifter abilities and intelligence. Her totem animal was the owl, so she's known for being able to fly. I've always imagined her with stealth-like intelligence and because she's immortal, a certain fearlessness. These would be helpful abilities in combatting evildoers. In my personal life, I could shape shift into my kid's best friend and convince her to do whatever I wanted. I'd only use this power for good, like getting her to unload the dishwasher, walk the dog and take out the trash. I'm going to enhance these superpowers a bit and add in the ability to be in two places at once. That's something I've longed dreamed of being able to do.

I want Harriet Tubman in the mix too. She's another childhood hero of mine. She was brave, she got the job done and refused to hear complaints along the way. Tubman led more than 300 slaves to freedom. This leaves me embarrassed to admit that I get dizzy just reading the divorce papers I need to fill out and sign. I'll get it done. I just need to channel some of Tubman's unswerving fortitude and persistence. Tubman carried a gun, which makes sense. For me, no guns, but I was thinking of a tricked-out gold medallion to allow me and the good people around me to overcome fear.

Since form and function are never too far apart, now I have to design a costume. Women superheroes need to wear boots. Since I can fly, I get to wear heels. When I'm out on the town, kicking ass, I like to wear red lipstick. I know I want a red cape and I don't want to wear my underwear on the outside of my tights. The tights will function like Spanx without the squinch and squeeze. I haven't decided on the mask yet, but it will be sleek.

For the rest of my costume, I found a site called Totally Costumes that has a page devoted to walking you step-by-step to create your own superhero. They feature capes, masks, a metallic utility belt and personalized emblems. Don't worry, I won't embarrass anyone and start wearing my costume now, I'll save it for Halloween.