Fear And Grief: My New Normal

I had dinner with my old friend Michael last Friday. We're originally from Chicago and now we both live in New York. He knew my mom really well. My mom passed away in early June, and this was the first time Michael and I had gotten together since then. I'd kept putting him off and making excuses as to why I couldn't go out. What was I afraid of? I think it was the fear that my grief and my loss were still too close to the surface and that I might not be able to keep my emotions under control in public.

During dinner, Michael asked what my mom had thought about my partner Eileen and me being together. It was an easy answer: Mom loved Eileen and loved that we were together. Before I could answer him, though, tears started streaming down my face. It took me by surprise and I couldn't hold them back. It wasn't Michael's question that made me cry at the restaurant, it was the overwhelming realization that I wasn't going to be able to call my mom the next day and tell her about my dinner with Michael.

I always called my mom when I traveled for business. She was very proud and excited that my work sometimes sent me to cities she would never have an opportunity to visit in her lifetime. I would call and say, "Hi Mom, I'm in Tampa" (or San Francisco, or Toronto). She would always ask the same thing: "What's the weather like?" Two weeks ago, I went to Boston on a business trip. I thought. I have to call mom. And then it hit me: I couldn't call mom. I've repeated this "forgetfulness" several times over the last two months. And every time it happens, I feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me.

As I wrote in my previous blog, when you lose your mother, you lose your childhood. But you also lose that reflection of yourself and how you should be.

My mom was an enormous influence on my life. She taught me that being a good money manager and being generous are not mutually exclusive. I learned patience, the importance of being on time, and that hard work pays off. I have spent my entire life asking for my mom's advice, seeking her approval, making her proud, or just telling her about my day. Now that is gone. I have come face to face with the fear of my "new normal."

My fear is that I lost more than my mom; I lost an ally, a protector, a counselor, and a confidante. Even though she's not physically here, she's still a huge part of who I am. I have all her years of wisdom and advice to look back on and tap into when I need it, and that gives me strength to face my fear.

It's hard losing your mom. To find out how some celebrities were affected by it, click through the slideshow.

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• JULIE DELPY

  <strong>The director and star of the new film <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/trey-ellis/movie-review-2-days-in-ne_b_1773361.html" target="_hplink"><em>2 Days in New York</em></a> lost her mom in January 2009, not long before the release of another film she also starred in and directed, <em>2 Days in Paris</em>. Delpy -- whose mom, Marie Pillet, played her mom in the latter film -- told the <em>Herald News</em>, "I wanted to write the screenplay while my mom was alive so I could include her in it. Then when she passed away, <a href="http://www.heraldnews.com/mysource/entertainment/x739405834/Julie-Delpy-is-the-most-talented-actor-director-you-dont-know" target="_hplink">I was kind of blocked [creatively]</a>. But working with [actress and cowriter] Alexia [Landeau] gave me back my joie de vivre. We wrote the film the year Mom died, and I felt I needed to dedicate the film to her."</strong>

• DYLAN MCDERMOTT

  <strong>The actor's mom was shot in 1967, when Dylan was 5. At the time, the police ruled her death an accident; however, the case was reopened last year, and Connecticut police <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/25/dylan-mcdermott-mom-murdered-john-sponza-1967_n_1623833.html" target="_hplink">ultimately determined that she had been murdered by her boyfriend</a>. <a href="http://159.54.226.237/99_issues/990124/990124talk.html" target="_hplink">"When you lose a parent young, it hardens you for life,"</a> Dylan told <em>USA Weekend</em> in 1999.</strong>

• JENNIFER HUDSON

  <strong>In 2008, the singer's mom was killed by her sister's ex-husband, William Balfour, who also killed Jennifer's brother and nephew. <a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20595035,00.html" target="_hplink">Balfour was convicted of three counts of murder in May 2012</a>; in June, he was <a href="http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/jennifer-hudsons-brother-in-law-william-balfour-sentenced-to-life-in-prison-2012247" target="_hplink">sentenced to life in prison</a>. On August 14, Jennifer told ABC News, "<a href="http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=news/local&id=8773522" target="_hplink">At first I was like I don't know if I could ever go back to Chicago</a>, but it's home and after I had my son I was like he should have that base to be surrounded around family." </strong>

• JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

  <strong>The actress's mom -- who moved to L.A. with Jennifer in 1989 and<a href="http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2012/06/jennifer-love-hewitts-mother-dies/" target="_hplink"> helped her get her start in Hollywood</a> -- <a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20603728,00.html" target="_hplink">died of cancer in June 2012</a>. On August 6, <a href="https://twitter.com/TheReal_Jlh/status/232488803430957056" target="_hplink">Jennifer tweeted</a>, "Today is about making my mom proud."</strong>

• MADONNA

  <strong>Madonna's mom <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/irene-rubaumkeller-/madonna-is-a-motherless-d_b_182089.html" target="_hplink">died of breast cancer when Madonna was five</a>. J. Randy Taraborrelli, author of <em>Madonna: An Intimate Biography</em>, told CNN, "What people don't know is how terrible that last year of Madonna's mother's life was for Madonna. She felt really <a href="http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/people/shows/madonna/profile.html" target="_hplink">frustrated by the powerlessness</a> that went along with childhood."</strong>

• ROSIE O'DONNELL

  <strong>Rosie's mom also died of breast cancer, when Rosie was 10. Rosie told Oprah that after her mom died, her father was <a href="http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Rosie-ODonnell-on-Life-Love-and-Family/6" target="_hplink">too grief-stricken to care for his children</a>, and that women who lived in her neighborhood stepped in to help out.</strong>

• PRESIDENT OBAMA

  <strong>The president's mom died of uterine cancer in 1995. In a 2007 speech in Santa Barbara, then-Sen. Obama said, "I remember just being heartbroken, seeing her struggle through the paperwork and the medical bills and the insurance forms. So, I have seen what it's like <a href="http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2007-09-21/news/0709210249_1_universal-coverage-health-care-health-care-proposal" target="_hplink">when somebody you love is suffering</a> because of a broken health-care system." </strong>

• ARIANNA HUFFINGTON

  <strong>Arianna and her mom -- who passed away in 2000 -- <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/fearless-role-model_b_1512193.html" target="_hplink">lived together for most of Arianna's life</a>. In her book <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Fearless-Love-Work-Life/dp/0316166812" target="_hplink">On Becoming Fearless</a></em>, Arianna wrote, "Her death forced me to confront my deepest fear: living my life without the person who had been its foundation. I did lose her, and I have had to go on without her. But the way she lived her life and faced her death have taught me so much about overcoming fear."</strong>

For more by Deborah Sumner, click here.

For more on becoming fearless, click here.

 

Comments

[Linda Jamieson]

09:53 PM on 08/21/2012

I am so jealous of all of you. I never had and will never have a mother/daughter relationship with my mother though she is alive and turning 90 in November. She never wanted children but went on to have seven. There was never any connection between her and I other than criticism, physical abuse, spiritual abuse and hateful behaviour. I can't imagine what it might be like to have a mother like yours. I made sure I have only the best relationship with my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter. It's paid off. I see my mother perhaps once a year (we live in different countries) and when she passes I know it will no affect on me other than sorrow about what I might have had and never did.

Linda Jamieson

[mariannekelly]

09:06 PM on 08/20/2012

Really great follow up to the previous blog; I am glad to see the evolution of healing. I believe that healing is an ongoing process, so hope the blogs keep coming. Mourning can be such a unique and paralyzing expression of loss. Grief is such a potent thing to experience with another; I am sure that this blog will bring ongoing healing to all who share in the expression of parental/family loss.

[GratefulOne]

02:39 PM on 08/20/2012

Please know that what you are feeling is absolutely normal. As an only child who lost my dad when I was a baby, my mom was my rock, my hero and my confidante. I used to think that I would die if I ever lost her... then the unthinkable happened when I was 34-- she contracted cancer and died shortly thereafter. It's been 14 years…I have gone on to marry and build my own life; however, I know somehow my life would look very different if she was still around. The first week after she died a friend took me away on "vacation" and I went to the gift shop to buy her a card. It was only at the check register that it dawned on me she would never receive it. I had many experiences like that as I imagine you will. However, with time the shock and sadness begins to fade and is replaced with resignation and gratitude for what you shared. I still talk to her everyday and know that somewhere out there she is listening and guiding me on my journey. Good luck to you.

[Deborah Sumner]

09:20 AM on 08/21/2012

You're advice is spot on. I lost my father when I was 17 so it was just my mom and me for a long time. I don't know how she did it. I wasn't an easy teenager and plus she had the grief of my father passing and taking care of the household by herself. I'm never going to forget her strength at that time and after and try to tap into it when I need it. There are still so many things I need to ask her and tell her. But as you said, I know she's there somewhere listening.
Thanks.

[cspz]

01:37 PM on 08/20/2012

I'm truly sorry for your loss. I can think of no better testimony you could have given other than your strong and enduring relationship with your mom. She taught you well and you will carry her advice and love forever with you in your heart. She'll be with you always.

[ladyvee1969]

01:30 PM on 08/20/2012

Last August I lost my grandmother and granddaughter(stillborn) within a week of each other. I lost a part of my past and my future in one swoop. Now my daughter in laws pregnant again and i only feel sadness and apprehension.

[galvinsgirl]

01:10 PM on 08/19/2012

I invited by elderly mom to live with me a few years back and the adjustment has been a challenge, but one we've managed. I had an experience similar to the writer's a few months ago when my visiting cousin took her out for lunch. I was in the kitchen surfing the net on my laptop when I spied an article she would find of interest and called out her name to come read it and of course she did not answer. Even though she was just gone for lunch it hit me how profoundly I will miss her company when she is gone. The moral to that story is to cherish the time we do now have together. I call her when I travel and call her if I am out of the house for more than a few hours. I am sorry for the writer's loss, but want her to know that she will be able to look back soon with less pain and more joy at her lovely relationship with her Mom as I hope I will when her time comes.

[Marcia G. Yerman]

04:41 PM on 08/17/2012

It doesn't get better. It just gets different.

[not your mom]

02:21 PM on 08/17/2012

i lost my dad when i was 3 and my mom 8 years ago, when i was 32. the hardest part for the first months after i lost my mom was each morning once the fog of sleep had lifted, remembering that my mom was no longer living. each morning, getting punched in the gut with the realization that i was without my only true person.
since she died, i have married my husband, had my daughter, pursued my dream career. all of these things are so beautiful and dear and special to me. yet, they all would have been brighter with my mom here to share them with me.
i miss my mom.

[BTaskay]

10:01 AM on 08/17/2012

Awesome article Deb!! I did experience a ton of those feelings with the loss of my Dad. I remember the instant he died thinking, "Crap, now I'm an adult". It's funny how I have grown children and didn't consider myself "adult" until he passed. It puts a new spin on reality! I still have moments when I think "I need to call Dad about this" almost five years later. Thank you for sharing all of these emotions!

[Janice Rawlins]

01:27 PM on 08/17/2012

The post was touching about her mom. I had to endure without my mom who left me on a door step when a baby. People who still have a mom be thankful and glad because some don't get a chance. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[Elizabeth Kuster]

04:28 PM on 08/17/2012

Janice, I am so sorry you went through that. I can't even imagine it! If you would like to write about that experience and how it affected you, please e-me at [e-mail]. I would love to hear your story, and I think it would help other people who didn't have a positive relationship with their parents.