The Secret Bond That Sisters Share
Cecile stood up, straightened her back, and stretched her arms out wide, dramatizing how her older sister had always protected her. Then she said: "Sometimes when we talk on the phone, we run out of things to say, but we don't hang up. We put the phones down but keep the line open; just knowing the other is there is a comfort, like hugging a cat."
I knew immediately that I'd use these two images in You Were Always Mom's Favorite!, the book I was writing about sisters: the open phone line represented the ineffable connection between sisters, and the older sister's protectiveness was a reminder of the crucial role that birth order plays throughout sisters' lives.
But several months later, when I asked Cecile about her sister, she replied, "I don't know. I'm not speaking to her."
I was stunned -- and wondered how I could honestly use Cecile's example. Then I realized: a cat doesn't always want to be hugged. The emotions stirred by sisters are so visceral, they can swoop low as readily as they can soar. I would keep Cecile in my book, to capture that truth.
Among the over one hundred women I interviewed, for every paean to an older sister who was protective and devoted, I heard one described as "bossy" or "judgmental." And for every younger sister praised as a delightful "blithe spirit," one was resented for failing to do her share of work. This combination of praise and complaint are two sides of the same coin-privileges and liabilities built into birth-order positions (though they aren't the same in all families, and much of what I found is true of brothers as well).
No wonder adult youngest sisters sometimes sit back and let older ones do the work. They may hesitate for fear they'll be told they're doing things wrong -- as they often were in childhood and may continue to be when they're with older sisters. And no wonder oldest sisters as adults can come across as judgmental and bossy-growing up, they usually did know better, and many were expected to tell younger ones what to do.
Being oldest comes with privileges like staying up later, sitting in the front seat next to Mom, and starring in far more baby pictures. In her novel Harriet and Isabella, Patricia O'Brien quotes Harriet Beecher Stowe: "The first child is pure poetry. The rest are prose." Many children who are not first-born sense this. Some spend the rest of their lives trying to achieve poetry. And sometimes they succeed so spectacularly that their first-born sisters spend the rest of their lives wondering how they got reduced to prose.
There's nothing wrong with prose -- unless it's compared to the majesty of poetry. Comparison is a liability for all sisters. We all at times wish for things we don't have -- possessions, achievements, or opportunities. But we miss them more if a sibling got them. Seeing what your sister has is enough to make you want that very thing. No matter how much parents try to treat children equally, kids spot differences. "She got blue and I got pink," a woman recalls, "so I wanted blue." It had nothing to do with the inherent value of blue or pink; it was about green -- as in, The grass is always greener in your sister's yard.
There is one gift, though, that all sisters possess in equal measure- having a sister. Though spouses may divorce and lovers may split, sisters are sisters forever. She's someone with whom you can laugh and be silly like when you were kids; who still sees in you the child you were; who shares your past and your memories of it. And anything a sister says carries meaning from all the conversations you've had before. That's why a word from a sister can start you laughing-or send you into a tailspin.
I cited that insight when I wrote about Cecile. But the example didn't end that way. Before the book went to press, Cecile called to say that after more than a year, she was speaking to her sister again, and they were again hanging out together with the phone line open. The year they didn't speak had not severed the connection between them. Quite the opposite, it was because of the depth of her feelings for her sister that she could have been so hurt that she cut off communication. Yet she must have known, even when the phone line between them was temporarily disconnected, that her sister was still there. No less than the solace of keeping each other company across an open phone line, that year of silence was an eloquent testament to the sisters' enduring connection.
Deborah Tannen is professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, and author of many books, including the just-published You Were Always Mom's Favorite!, from which this essay is adapted.
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As a bossy older sister, thank you Debra for acknowledging that we eldest were forced to be that way because mom and dad held us responsible for everything.
Now if you could just get all those younger sisters out there to take a little more responsibility and quit shirking their share of the work, maybe we eldests could take a break from our job as constant critic.
If we didn't have sisters, what on earth would we talk to our husbands and brothers about?
You say that your sister is someone ". . . who still sees in you the child you were; who shares your past and your memories of it."
This might work for sisters who are close in age. I left for college as my sister started junior high. I graduated and was married when she was still in high school. For years, she only saw me on vacations from school, and then I was working and/or attending summer classes. After my marriage, we moved away and still only saw her (along with everyone else in the family) on holidays. We never had any time at all together as adults and equals.
She shares a minute portion of my long-ago childhood, but we do not share the same memories of it because we were looking at them from too great an age difference. Though we are both middle-aged now, she still sees me through childish eyes. I was often left in charge of her, so she has kept the impression all these years that I am bossy. (Even my kids don't see me that way.) And she still seems to harbor resentments that I hadn't even realized were there.
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Recenlty, she was generous enough to come be with me after a major surgery. This was the first time that I can remember in our lives that we had spent time alone, just the two of us (We have a sister between us who was always closer to this sister). She said something about how well she knows me, and I said, "We last knew each other when you were a little kid and I was nearly grown. We haven't seen each other except at large family gatherings for decades. We know nothing at all about each other."
She was quiet a moment, and said, "You're right. We need to get together more often."
I hope we can.
I have always longed for the sister-bond described here. I have a half-sister (same father, different mothers) who is nearly 10 years younger than I am. She'll be 23 in a few weeks. I haven't spoken to her in more than 5 years, due to our father and her mother disapproving of my parenting methods when my firstborn was 2 weeks old (probably because they see my refusal to let him cry as an inditement on the parenting techniques I witnessed with them but I didn't make any accusations, I just refused to parent any differently in their presence than I would have out of it). I heard from our uncle that she had a baby girl right around when I found out I was pregnant for the second time, my niece whom I've never met will be 3 sometime around Halloween. I'm now pregnant for the 3rd time and as my 5yr old keeps talking about his baby sister (I'm in my first trimester, we don't know the gender but he's convinced it's a girl) it makes my heart ache for my own "baby" sister. I didn't get to grow up with her - we never shared a permanent address, I was always just a visitor in her home. I really feel like something was withheld from us as sisters by the animosity between our parents.
It would be interesting to do a longitudinal study. I suspect some of the comments on high age differences would dissipate. Now in the mid and late 50's I see my wife and her sister bonded as the older helps the younger navigate the shoals of middle age and the younger brings her energy and spirit as she struggles with health, marital strife, and their dying parents. They are their own mutual admiration society and I would wish the same for myself and all.
I have 3 sisters. I despise the oldest. She's has narcissistic personality disorder along with bipolar disorder. It's hard to separate the illness from the person but even when she's on her meds, it's all about her. I ended up raising her two sons because she abused them so badly. They, however, are doing well now. One's in med school and the other is finishing up pre-med.
The next sister, 4 1/2 years older than me, is my best friend. She's been there for me through thick and thin. Sometimes we get angry with each other though and we don't talk for a while and then we make up. She's the only person in my life I do this with. I suppose it's because the depth of our relationship allows this. She tries to be a bit of a mother hen and it gets on my nerves sometimes. But I love her and her kids very much.
The youngest is 7 years younger than me. She's arrogant and spoiled and has a true sense of entitlement. We keep hoping she'll grow up but at 36, there are no signs yet that she is headed in that direction. I keep being nice to her because I'm sure I wasn't always easy to get along with either. I love her but she's not my friend.
Sisters... people who may share your genes but not necessarily your values/interests. If you're lucky they'll be your friends. If not, well....not.
My kids have such a wonderful relationship (girl/boy/girl) - that their friends have often said they were jealous of it. The grandparents have also commented on it recently. At 25/24/22 years of age -- they speak to each other every day - the brother is in Washington state for school - the two girls share an apartment in Chicago. Ben came home for the month of August and he spent every moment he could with the girls - bouncing back and forth (with his also visiting girlfriend) between our house in northern Illinois and their apartment in Chicago. They have always been close and it is wonderful to know that they are so important to each other.
There are a number of reasons I think this dynamic is so wonderful - but I think it was encouraged by the fact that the two girls flank the boy. He got rolled right-up into everything that affected and concerned them and they things that they did.
We also had no television (after about age 10) and no video games in the house. Everything they did, they did together.
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It helps that they're close in age, IMO.
Our family has a 5 and 12 year age difference. Each sibling was at a different phase of life.
defining the sister-sister relationship is like hurding cats. It can make for a nice hallmark moment until you invite more than five people into the effort.
The reality is that older sisters secretly want to kill everyone on the planet... but they seem very sweet until the second child is born.
I wish I could say my sister and I were truly sisters. We are by blood and not really that close. My sister hated me growing up. And her hostility continued in to adulthood. I called her on it and she didn't like that one bit. She tried a little bit to overcome her resentment of me, and at that point I was very guarded toward her.
Maybe some day we will overcome this.
I have five sisters and four sisters-in-law and I am watching 2 daughters grow up with their younger brother.
So much fun...my sisters and I have regular clothes swaps, sister weekends with sisters, sisters-in-law, cousins and best friends joining in.
My older sister and I are both taking our first born daughter off to their college campuses this weekend, each leaving a younger sis at home.
But our favorite thing over the years has been to perform Irving Berlin's "sisters" (see White Christmas) whenever we get the chance. We're making sure that the next generation knows all the words too! Maybe they can sing "cousins, cousins"!
I love my sister, she's awesome. My life would have really stunk without her in our family. She's 8 years younger than me, but I have to tell you she is still my best friend.
There is none, I had a sister that I could compare to Endorra red hair and all or Cruella De ville. She recently passed on having not talked to me or my Mother for years.
My younger sister hates me. We are both middle-aged now and as I look back I was bossy but I was also very generous. It's a heartache. Family members need to remember the good and not just what annoys or angers them.
sometimes the good doesn't make up for the bad.
I'm very interested in this topic and book. I have an older sister and our relationship is ... complicated. We are 7 years apart and different in almost every imaginable way. We have not spoken on a regular basis in almost 20 years. When we do speak, we must keep things on a very polite, surface level in order to have any communication at all. Facebook has been oddly helpful at establishing a new relationship b/c it allows us to have visibility to each other's life and thoughts without having a huge impact on our separate lives. *shrugs* Like I said: It's complicated.
And yet ... regularly I hear intonation in how I speak, the way I laugh, slight mannerisms that I make that are a direct connection with my sister. No matter how strained our relationship is, the biological bond is one that can never be broken. Even if we severed all communication today, we would be part of each other's lives for the rest of our lives.
I am the oldest of 4 girls...I love my sisters, they are my best friends. I am so proud of the people they have become....WE ROCK
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