Getting High or Getting By?

Women who telecommute, at least part time, tell me, "I have a killer job."

The pièce de résistance of their professional setup? "I can work from home when I need to. I can bend my work schedule around my child's needs."

Turns out, that's a mixed blessing. It's a killer job, all right -- and it's killing them.

One 36-year-old senior VP of an L.A.-based international P.R. firm described to me this conundrum:

"I need tips for managing clients, bosses, and my team while juggling parenting, like one of my children bursting through my office door for 'an emergency.' I do a stellar job and want to maintain my professional image, even when I'm closing a deal while flipping grilled cheese sandwiches to keep my hungry kids from flipping out after school. How do other women do it without losing it?"

I Hear That

I'm on a three-minute break during a phone interview with Oprah & Friends Radio's Jean Chatzky. Thinking she's off mike, I hear Ms. Chatzky sweetly whisper, "Honey, you have a fever. You need to be in bed." Another mommy busted!

Later, I told this story to a small group of women professionals between the ages of 29 and 45.

"Isn't that adorable? We're all juggling work and home, yet somehow making it all work."

Everyone nods in unison with knowing, soft smiles.

My friend, Andrea L. Henderson, an executive recruiter and founder of the Basketball Academy, a youth basketball camp for girls and boys from six to 16, shared with us a similar personal experience:

"Recently I was being interviewed by phone by a high-profile financial consulting expert. A few minutes into it, I heard a small child call out, 'Mom-MIEEEE!!!!'

"My interviewer said, 'Would you please excuse me for just a moment?' I heard her muffled voice: 'Just a minute, honey; Mommy's on the phone.'

"We continued our interview. A couple of minutes later, 'MO-AH-AH-AH-OMIEEEE!!!!'

Clearly embarrassed, she started begging: 'Honey, Mommy's working. Please. Let me talk on the phone without interrupting.'

"She told me, 'I'm SO, so sorry!' I reassured her (and she was vetting me!), 'It's okay! I have a child. I know the drill.' But she kept apologizing over and over.

Laughing and empathizing, Andrea said to us, "I mean, My God!! You'd think we're apologizing for being caught smoking a joint instead of mothering a child!"

Don't Explain, Don't Complain

My husband, a mergers and acquisitions attorney, was on a conference call on speaker phone, from home when he noticed our cat teetering on the four-inch ledge outside the open office window. We live 20 stories above the pavement. Without missing a beat, he gingerly reached out, grabbed her by the scruff, and yanked her back inside. She let out a God-awful screech clearly heard by the seven people in on that conference call. He simply remarked, "Believe me! That was a very good sound!"

Then back to the deal. No explanation. No apology. No nothing.

Men don't apologize.

A dad staying at home with a sick kid -- and yes, there are plenty of guys who do that these days -- doesn't apologize. He doesn't over-explain. Phone interruption? He'll say, max, four explanatory words: "My daughter's got croup. So, on that deal point... Here's your blankie, honey...we have option X. Or, we can try Y. The upside of X is..."

Men deal. Matter of factly. Sometimes with a bit of situationally-appropriate transparency.

Yes, I know -- men don't have to explain.

Yes, women face a double standard. Those external biases, and the price we pay, are beyond our control.

We do have control over the professional image we put out there -- including being authentic, unapologetic, and simply matter of fact and low-key when reacting to life's "little ambition obstacles." We can take a cue from the guys on this one -- by just being ourselves, in all of our multi-faceted complexities.

New Mindset: Damn, I'm Good

Betsy Rapoport is a writer, editor, life coach, and 22-year-veteran of trade publishing, most recently as an executive editor at a division of Random House. She told me this story:

"I was working from home once, negotiating a particularly thorny contract over the phone. I pacified my 18-month-old by upending a box of Cheerios and letting him crush each one individually into the rug -- his favorite hobby at the time."

Betsy rightly figured that it was worth two bucks' worth of breakfast cereal and a five-minute vacuum afterward. She closed the deal and the client was never the wiser. (Her toddler is now a senior in high school.)

Damn, she's good. So are you.

The next time a Murphy's law day makes you feel like a loser, the next time you feel like a fraud, the next time you feel yourself about to apologize for being human -- course correct.

Say to yourself, "No. Actually, I'm good. In fact, I'm damn good."

Write that down on a note card. Place it on your desk where you can see it and constantly be reminded of your new mindset. You've got your job, you've got your kids, you've got your life demands -- and you're not going to apologize for anything, because you're getting it done.

Don't Drink The Water

Let's stop twisting ourselves into pretzels trying to find the elusive Holy Grail called Work-Life Balance. To hell with the mythical "Goodhousekeeping Seal of Approval Juggler" and her imaginary sisters.

Show me the woman who believes in the mirage of the working mom sipping herbal tea, desk cleared of pressing client matters, calmly catching up on e-mail while her sleeping angel's naptime gives her some "me time", and I'll show you someone who really did drink the Kool-Aid. Life balance is an unattainable ideal, and we just waste untold energy and brainpower and creativity and optimism trying to chase it -- or to at least appear as though we've nailed it.

If you want to abandon the tired old work/life balance myth and free yourself from its tyranny, you have to construct a new paradigm. The old model leaves you with a King Solomon solution: a baby that is torn in two.

What good is tearing yourself in two? To be ambitious, you don't want to choose work instead of a full life of family, friends, and outside interests. You don't want to divide your loyalties between being a gutsy entrepreneur or a good executive and a good lover, partner, friend, or mom.

You know what? You don't have to choose. And you don't have to apologize.

Balance Is Bunk

Go for acceptance -- expect and accept imbalance. Find your own comfort zone. Work your own plan. Accept that your day to day life simply isn't always going to flow smoothly. You have to cede a certain amount of control in your life -- especially if you have kids.

Some days you're going to feel like, "Shit! I'm so overextended. That feeling can be extremely frustrating -- until you say to yourself, "You know, things are just always going to be kind of out of balance."

And once you do that -- once you expect at least a little normal life chaos, and stop beating yourself up over it -- acceptance takes over. And here's the irony: once we begin expecting and accepting imbalance, that mind-set paradoxically guides us to periods of -- guess what? -- balance.

Forgetting Balance is Freeing

Now you can begin deploying comforting self-talk like, "You know what, self? I'll put that in order later, when I get to it." Or: Things are too crazy this week; I'll delegate more until they slow down." Or: "So we're ordering in again tonight. You know what? I made my own organic baby food with a hand grinder for those first couple of years. I have even started that presentation. So to hell with it -- I'm a good enough mother; let's have pizza tonight, again!"

Wouldn't it be so freeing just to let that ridiculous balance idea go? Wouldn't it be great to be able to say to yourself and to others:

Imbalance is normal; balance isn't normal. And you know what? Some days, hey...I'm not getting high; I'm just getting by. But I'm getting it done -- and that's okay.

Comments

[lizriz]

Feminists aren't trying to make anyone be anything they don't want to be - they are trying to create a world where they can be who they are. I'm the most ambitious person I know. I'm good at math and science. I'm a natural leader. And while I may ultimately be a mother someday and be blessed to be one - my career is extremely important to me and will continue to be throughout my life. I want to work my butt off until the day I die; I have no interest in retirement, I love to work.

What needs to change is any difference in how we perceive and treat mothers and fathers. Why should mothers be held to a different set of rules than fathers? Why do mothers continue to be discriminated against and held to a higher set of expectations? It's discrimination, it's not fair, and the world needs to change so that we can be equal human beings, free to be who we really are in our world - however we choose that to be.

The change can start with us as we stop apologizing and start living the life we can imagine and stop kowtowing to society's ridiculous assumptions about who we are and what we want.

[ParentPreneur]

AMEN! Being a parent is a reality and just because we have kids doesn't mean we aren't serious about our work. And just because we WORK, doesn't mean we aren't serious about our kids.

In my recently-released book, "The ParentPreneur Edge: What Parenting Teaches About Building a Successful Business" (John Wiley) I suggest that people should do exactly what you recommend and look at balance over time. I call it finding your "Model of Sustainability" - finding something you can sustain over time. Trying to find balance in any one day will lead to just the opposite: imbalanced insanity!

[dadw5boys]

Take a page from my mom. As quick as you can lay it out for the kids, I work you have do to this and this till I am free to be with you.
She worked we went to school came home did homework and stayed inside till she got there.
If we didn't we yelled louder than the cat you can bet.
We are both sucessful so relax your not gonna damage them for life.

[NatalyKogan]

I think giving up the idea of some kind of balance is key for working moms - it just doesn't exist. I am a working mom and I've found that a lot of my stress comes from trying to do everything in my life the way I did it before I had my daughter. Which is, of course, impossible. I'm still learning to accept that reality, and I think it's a tough one to get used to. But as working moms, we have to give ourselves some slack and stop trying to achieve some perfect ideal.

[drblack]

Men should start apologizing more. We may have a more civil world.
Men and women both have negative and positive qualities; women shouldn't pick up the bad side of men. (or men the negative side of women)

[Pandu]

If women face a double standard, it's because they've chosen to live a double gender. Why does a woman think her fulfillment can found by acting like a man?

The feminists are ultimately reinforcing the patriarchial model by acting as though the masculine duties are universally virtuous. Actually a woman's natural duties are more important, and women's failure to focus on these has harmed society in a variety of ways such as reducing individual wages and family stability.

[eaglecapri]

Pandu, allow women to live the lives they choose. If your purpose in life is to be a housewife, so be it. If women want to have a family and a career, so be it. Concentrate on yourself, Pandu, and the love you bring to your family and you'll be much happier. (Although I do have a theory why you're so angry at career women.)

I congratulate women trying to balance both sides - career and family. Some women are just not cut out for the 100% housewifery thing. Get over it. I congratulate and have deep respect for all of the housewives who wouldn't change their careers as housewives for anything. Good for them!!! Truly, I'm not being sarcastic.

Love heals everything, Pandu...everything. Let's love our sisters who work in the workplace; workplace and home; and home, exclusively...all of them.

Besides, where would we be without Diane von Furstenberg and Martha Stewart - (who especially helps me seamlessly combine my domestic duties with my professional ones) - if they chose to be housewives, exclusively? There's room for all of us. Be open to many possibilities instead of one model we women must abide to: Rules for Women According to Pandu.

Hurray for all the women of all gifts and talents - career and home.

[Pandu]

I wouldn't consider myself angry, and there's no need to theorize about why I'm opposed to women having careers. In my religious tradition, which I consider God's rules (not Pandu's rules), men and women have distinct duties that complement each other. Keeping these duties helps to maintain a high standard of society that ensures everyone's happiness and spiritual advancement. Instead, the so-called women's liberation movement has produced an abundance of cheap sex, easy abortion, and unwanted progeny.

Although I’m somewhat friends with the women at work, I really do not appreciate that I have to spend so much time with women who are not my wife. Although my wife and I are very secure in our marriage, in general too much interaction between unmarried men and women agitates the mind and should be avoided.

Instead, modern society is pushing women to sell their services in the workplace. Men want to protect women or enjoy them. The promise of equality is simply bait for exploitation, as girls imagine themselves liberated when they can have casual sex with boys. As a father of four young daughters, I’m not at all fond of such a culture that neglects the protection of women.

Apart from the degraded social culture that goes with women in careers, there is the depression of wages. Obviously the addition of women to the labor pool would negatively impact wages in general. The result is a severe economic disadvantage to single income families. However, a respectable husband must provide for his wife. Not that she has to give out her services for pay. Vedic culture considers such an arrangement as a kind of prostitution. We do not consider that an option, but with the depressed salaries that go with so-called women’s liberation, it has become very difficult for a working man to adequately support his wife and children.

[ParentPreneur]

Pandu - I am not sure why working is acting like a man? Women have 'worked' since the dawn of time. I was given a brain to use and gifts that I am obliged to give back to the world and not just relegate them to scrubbing toilets and ironing clothes.

There are other points to consider: I started my own business when my daughter was 6 months old to stop traveling and have more flexibility to be with her. Two years (and another child) later, my husband joined me in my business, which then gave him the opportunity to spend more time with the kids. My working has actually increased our family stability.

[byondprakrti]

I think I should change my log in name to bad speller, so please excuse my spelling.

As a holder of a degree in psychology I pay attention to respected studies that get publicised on NPR or respected journals.

The last study I enjoyed hearing about, was one that pointed out that inner achievments are appreciated much, much, more that achievments made in the outer world.

Also studies on Happyness have shown that once basic needs are met, amount of wealth does not corrolate to amount of happyness. Kids also do not corrolate to a happier marriage.

Let all ideas go is right.

Everything is OK, IM OK YOUR OK

Nice article, creative ,

[ParentPreneur]

Since when is "working" acting like a man? I'm not trying to go to the bathroom standing up! God gave me a brain and it wasn't just to figure out how best to keep the water stains from marring my toilet bowl.

I started my own business 12 years ago when my daughter was 6 months old so I could have more flexibility than the consulting job I was in that had me traveling 75% of the time. My business actually also provided my husband with more flexibility (he joined the business 2 years into it) allowing him to be more available for our children - why is that a bad thing?