I RESENT THAT

As women, how can we deal with male co-workers who are, say, socially inept, professionally awkward, make inappropriate comments, but aren't harassing us, per se?

One great tactic is humor.

Franci J. Blassberg is a partner at Debevoise and Plimpton LLP and was named by the National Law Journal as one of the 100 most influential lawyers in America. When I interviewed her for my book, Ambition Is Not A Dirty Word, Franci said to me: "Sometimes you can change the tone in the room in a minute--defuse it--with humor and a tiny amount of self-deprecation."

Well-placed self-deprecating humor is a hallmark of emotional intelligence--the ability to interact effectively with others.

Sometimes you get hit with an insult. That isn't the time for self-deprecating humor. But don't necessarily swing in the opposite direction and look like a woman with a chip on her shoulder. I see many women with this attitude. They don't accomplish as much as they could. Others don't want to assist them with their concerns.

Instead, if you've taken a hard hit, learn to use aggressive yet disarming humor--humor combined with "a slap without a hand," an idiomatic expression from Uruguay meaning "a dignified act of revenge." Here's a great example.

Franci told me about something one of her clients said to her early in her career, when she first began representing his firm:

"He said, 'I never would have thought that I would have a radical, Jewish feminist as my lawyer.' I thought that he, at the time, was just getting acculturated. I thought he meant it as, 'My goodness, you're a really good lawyer and even for someone like me I can see beyond all that other stuff.' So it wasn't intended as a put down, although one could have interpreted it that way. So I said, sort of jokingly: 'I resent that; I'm not a radical.' I think using humor aggressively and both offensively and defensively, if you would, is a key strategy for women to use. It's not clear if that joke was offense or defense. But you can take a lot of tension out of a room with humor. And women need to learn to do that do that, rather than seem to be uptight and ill-at-ease."

Humor is one thing we all enjoy. And it can be a great tool for disarming would-be detractors. Plus, nothing feels better than laughing--unless it's getting a clueless buffoon, a kind-hearted dolt, or a hostile opponent on your side because you've shared a guffaw together. Laughter really is powerful medicine.

Next week, I'll talk about what to do if you are in the line of fire of deliberate harassment or working in a discriminatory, hostile work environment.

As always, I love hearing your comments. Please weigh in here on TheHuffPost! Let's keep the conversation going. Also, feel free to e-mail me at [e-mail] about topics that are on your mind. I'll do my best to address what matters to you and your women friends, colleagues, nieces, daughters, sisters--as well as the men in your life--who have your back.

* * *
Debra Condren is a business psychologist, career adviser, and executive coach. She interviewed 500 women for her no-whining/no male-bashing book, Ambition Is Not A Dirty Word: A Woman's Guide To Earning Her Worth and Achieving Her Dreams (Bus. & Economics, Broadway Books). E-mail your burning questions & great ideas to her at: [e-mail].

Comments

[CarlosRHernandez]

Love the suggestion to use humor but fail to get "it" that the suggested response was funny. Quite the contrary, seems to add lighter fluid to the situation.. I will go back and take some humor meds.

[spyfive]

a great suggestion for situations outside of the workplace as well.