The best way to avoid divorce, even before you get married, is to understand the power of the "R" word, i.e., rationalization. This is the process of trying to create a sense of logic for something that we know is wrong. Oftentimes it is the quicksand that devours our ability to reason in the first few weeks and months of dating.
When someone asks me to describe my new book, How to Recognize Your Future Ex-Husband in two sentences or less, this is what I tell them. The essence of the book is about understanding the rationalization process and how it obstructs our ability to identify the early warning signs of trouble ahead.
Here are three of the numerous "domains" of dating where rationalization shows up most
frequently:
Anger: A man who is too angry too often (and too early in the relationship) may be emotionally unstable. Anger can make us feel less vulnerable and will often impersonate intimacy. Genuine intimacy is about trust and feeling safe, and it is impossible to experience either with someone who is angry most of the time. Rage should never be a first-line response. So don't try to spin it like his ease in expressing anger is indicative of how he feels close enough to be authentic. In fact, if says something like this to you--run--he is definitely a future ex-husband!
Boundaries: While the nature of romance is about the blurring of boundaries (two become one, etc.), it is very important to establish boundaries early on because they ultimately provide a solid foundation in which to cultivate a deeper commitment. One time a friend of mine was dating a man who constantly ate off of her plate and sipped her wine whenever they went out to eat. On the first date she politely told him that she was a bit germ-phobic and didn't like to share her food or drink. This admission made him feel hurt and put-off, so instead of respecting her request, he continued to sip her Pinot Noir and munch on her pickles and coleslaw. Don't rationalize that this isn't a big deal in relation to all of the other wonderful things he does for you. What is most important here is his response to your stated preference. If he doesn't respect it, he is definitely a future ex-husband.
Money: In our culture, money is the code word for love and power, and we often worship wealth with complete disregard to character. Rich people can be stingy, and often cannot give easily of themselves emotionally. What seems tolerable in the beginning becomes a source of conflict later on. The other side the coin is buying gifts and showing-off. An expensive piece of jewelry on the third date should trigger an alarm. Again, don't rationalize that he is simply a generous person who shouldn't be demonized for having affluent tastes. His showering you with baubles or pricey dinners is more about him, and what he needs to do to feel good about him. This is a signal that there may be a huge amount of narcissism looming--a definite marker of future "ex-ness."
There are many more examples of how this process and the destruction that it leaves in its path. However, it can be averted. If you have been divorced or repeatedly disappointed in love, it is important to understand how and why you succumb to the rationalization process so easily. Here, awareness is everything and can quickly halt unproductive behavior patterns.
Let's practice. If on the first date he says something like "will the children have your nose or
mine?"--excuse yourself politely, call your best friend, and say "I think I've just recognized my
future ex-huband!"
Debra Weiner is the author of How to Recognize Your Future Ex-Husband, and is a Managing Partner of Aventine Co., which produces the annual PAINWeek® national conference.
Follow Debra Weiner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DebraWF and visit her on the Web at
www.debrawrites.com
I think the biggest predictor of a future ex would be a person with their microscope and checklist out.
I have met many many women of a certain age, never married or long divorced, and they are already too critical of superficial qualities and thus are alone.
If a person is kind, mostly sober, mostly solvent, and loves you, that is doing better than most as far as
picking goes.
Most everyone is aware of the infidelity that abounds. None other than the President and Vice President of the PTA were having at it just last year. And my wife's two best friends both cheated on their husbands this year. In almost every instance , it’s been the woman who has instigated. And it plays with my own sense of nuptial security to listen to my wife talk to her friends on the phone and sympathize with their narcissistic plight. But she refuses to judge them and I admire her for that. Nevertheless, they have someone to tell their dirty secret to, making their adultery all the more enjoyable. And. More disgust.
I bring it up because you only focus on the signs that a MAN may be a narcissist or a rageaholic or breech certain boundaries when in fact I've witnessed upstanding, successful women engage in those very behaviors. I found your article to be informatve. But I’m curious as to why you think your theories only apply to men?
I went out with one guy who got angry with me on our very first date. What you need to watch out for in this case is when his reaction is way out of proportion with what is actually going on. That's a huge warning sign that he's likely to fly off the handle at the lightest provocation. Also, if you begin to feel that unsafe feeling at the pit of your stomach, get away from him. That specific guy turned out to be in the middle of some anger management counseling program I later found about.
Another guy insisted on calling me every day even though we had only gone out once. I asked him to stop and he turned to texting. I ended it. To me, those were BIG warning signs. I later found him circulating my house. So, my gut instinct was right.
The third guy wasn't so clearly trouble. He kept taking me to ritzy, expensive places. Not a bad thing by itself; but that, together with many other things, made me realize that he was just much more interested in material things than I ever care to be. Alot of women love men with money but not all men with money are the same. The type of man who uses money to control others, to make himself look good, that type of man is hell to live with.
Btw, my ex swore he loved me ..yet, when he asked for a divorce, I was the one buying him the house and paying him alimony, so much for not hating me, I always wonder what he would had ask for if he really did ?
Are you sure you aren't dating women too young for you? This is usually a generational thing: everyone under 30 these days is basically glued to their phones (male or female), and most people over 30 are not. How many cases of "texting and driving" have you heard of with 50+ people? Zero.