I broke up with a fellow blogger recently.
She doesn't know it, of course. Because I don't know her. In that curious online way in which we now Friend and Follow and Subscribe to many of our "friends," you can just as easily unfriend, unfollow or unsubscribe to someone's RSS feed and they won't necessarily even know that it happened.
It was a weird experience for me, nonetheless, the end of this relationship. She was one of the very first bloggers that I began to follow, long before I launched my own blog. I followed her because she seemed wise and funny and edgy. Most of all, she had super-insightful tips on an array of topics that interested me concerning blogging and career change and work/life balance.
Over time, however, she began to blog less and less about these professional topics and more and more about her personal life. That didn't bother me, at first. For starters, she has a super-interesting personal life. And she's also got a terrific voice. And, let's be honest, blogging is an inherently narcissistic activity. So if you don't have a strong voice, it really doesn't work. (Thank goodness for all of us that narcissism is no longer in the DSM...)
Still, the more I read her blog, the more I came to feel that I was going there out of some voyeuristic impulse, rather than than because I was getting all that much out of it. In other words, somewhere along the way, our relationship had changed and I didn't feel that it was particularly healthy for me anymore.
And that was when I knew that it was time to break up.
Once she was gone from my life, I found that I didn't really miss her. To the contrary, I felt a sense of relief. It was just like ending a long-standing romantic relationship that's become unhealthy and unproductive, one where you can no longer remember why -- exactly -- it was that you first hit it off but, regardless, the chemistry simply isn't there any more.
Which got me thinking that my online breakup with this blogger was a bit like breaking up with friends in real life.
We've all been there:
Sometimes those breakups can be painful, especially if you didn't initiate them.
Sometimes they enable you to find a new equilibrium. I wrote not long ago about a semi-unhealthy best-friend relationship my daughter got into -- and out of -- last year. Once she severed that tie, I was sure that particular friendship was dead and gone. But now she and her old Bestie are friends again -- albeit of a much more casual sort.
A big part of growing up is figuring out what's important to us in a friend. But equally, it's about realizing when it's time to move on.
Follow Delia Lloyd on Twitter: www.twitter.com/realdelia
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Shasta Nelson, M.Div.: In Friendship, Do You Give More Than You Receive?
Also, it's worth remembering that through each of our relationships - of any and every kind, and especially with in-person relationships - there's a part of us, our own history, that goes with the relationship. If we cut off these things, in a sense, we're cutting off part of our own history. I like to think there was value to what we did together, and that the times are worth remembering in a positive light.
One good tip to keep in mind regarding how we remember our experiences is that most people only really remember the ending and that if the ending was bad, it colors the whole experience. For example, if near the end of a great trip something bad happened, even something as mild as it raining or missing a flight - maybe, and especially, if there was an argument - all you remember is the bad part and forget the good. So Make it a great "ending" when you can.
However, just this past week I've been faced with having for the first time I can remember actually cutting someone off - not just changing the relationship for less frequent contact, but I actually laid it down and said something like, "if this is your view, don't ever call, come around or even send email; I want nothing to do with you any more."
Harsh? I ache inside from it. Yet, it seemed necessary because this person was harming me at a personal and financial level.
What's so terribly sad about it is that all the bad stuff comes from his remaining angst regarding a failed business he used to run. During the last year, I gained a funded project to do something that his business would have done - but he's not in business any longer. So, I got the job and asked for his help, and paid him for some things. He built up impossible expectations that this was to revive his business, but when I took his choices, I lost money! I carry all the risk, so I had decide how I'd do it myself. He got upset over it and abandoned his paid-for commitments.
I can't think of ever "cutting off" anyone other than him, only drifting apart.
http://www.returntoworkmom.com/
They live 45 min. and 2 hours away. They are now finished with college/grad school, and on their own for the last 9 months. They are in relationships and are busy with careers and their own lives. I understand that.
I missed them, and thought I could at stay in their lives on Facebook. But more and more I felt like a spy, and they rarely responded back. I never thought I would become a sad "empty-nester", but that is what happened. I even mentioned my feelings to them, to no avail.
My heart was broken; I felt invisible, cut-off. I simply "unfriended" them, for my own good, because I was stuck in a pattern that felt horrible. It's okay. I love them. I'm very grateful they grew up to be the people they are today.
We obviously had different expectations from being friends on FB, but they don't need a mom anymore (until they do).
I am starting this new stage in my life knowing that I succeeded with them, and I will always be in their lives, but only in terms acceptable to all. It is time for me to move on.
I still enjoy my FB contacts with my friends and family across the country, but it is time, obviously, for me to pay attention to my own life, in a much more determined and focused way.
Make solid plans with them in real life. The best conversation they won't put on FB.
We will gladly give up our busy weekends a few times a month to keep them from having to drive.
Associations are a bit different... People you ONLY know on line because they are bloggers, or on your friends list can be easily deleted... However, for me on a personal note I feel it is cruel... So, if I have to let an on line acquaintance go I privately let them know why first...
Do it the old fashioned way. In person and then this article is a moot point.
And so we must drift in and out of other people's lives; we must cast a solitary trajectory. Is it loneliness then that we are left with beside this irrefutable fact that we are alone? And is that why, driven sometimes and almost mad, we seek out others to alleviate this ache within?
I do not begrudge the people who have walked out from my life anymore. While still appreciating the beauty of a gathering, I am glad hammering this singular space; I am happy with myself. And at any rate I cannot seek in others what I am supposed to be giving myself. This is my realization.
Leaving behind our continental past
We have become islands
And the sea between us is frozen...
---me
I began to feel awkward around some of my dearest friends about 5 years ago. We were all "Christians" when we became first became friends 25 years ago, but it certainly wasn't the first thing we talked about. They were always sort of "better" Christians than me (in their minds), but over the past ten years gradually my opinions about everything became more and more wrong. Love, peace, acceptance, all that stuff - no good. Judgement, condemnation - fixing everyone else, that's what they were into. Bible studies, Christian schools for the kids, hanging out with the right kind of people. Eventually it just became so painful to realize that though they may love me, and I them, they didn't respect my values or treat me as an equal. I just couldn't stomach it anymore and I broke it off. It was a tremendous loss, they'd been my best friends, our kids grew up together and all, and though I miss them often, I'm so much more at peace. It's lonelier but I'm working to be true to myself and my principles with new friends. I'm not in junior high anymore.
I admit I just can't
I think I'll adopt the line:
"About the only thing I can't tolerate is intolerance!" Hmmm... Still not quite right. -soft-smile-
i think it better to express your views....
however, not cut off ties........if you have a rift.
i have learned the hard way.......with my family, and i can never "go home again.".
I am slowly letting the relationship be led by her. She is inconsistent in most of her actions. I believe that this will be less painful for both of us.