iOS app Android app More

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
Dennis Miller

GET UPDATES FROM Dennis Miller
 

Ban the Vagina?

Posted: 06/19/2012 6:20 pm

I wonder if the folks in the Michigan State House are toying with the idea of replacing the word "vagina" with something less offensive?

Rep. Lisa Brown created the opportunity when she made a speech against an abortion bill recently. She thanked the House members for being interested in her vagina. "What she said... was so offensive, I don't even want to say it in front of women," Rep. Mike Callton said. Rep. Brown was barred from speaking anymore.

I imagined this group of Republican legislators meeting after the traumatic Brown incident.
"I can't believe she really said that word," one said, wiping sweat from his forehead. "It's so dirty."

"She claimed it's the anatomically accepted term for, you know, that part," an attorney said helpfully.

"That's bull," the first one said. "It's a left wing ploy to give women a false sense of empowerment. Just like those Mid-East women who don't want to wear their scarves anymore."

"What do you propose?" A third legislator asked.

The first man, obviously the alpha of the pack said, "We go to the source," and pulled the Bible out of his briefcase.

"The Old Testament," the third man said.

"Of course, the alpha answered. He leafed through the pages, then stopped with an air of satisfied finality. "Yes. There it is. According to the Bible the accepted term for, uh, that part of a woman is 'loins.'"

The other men nodded, except for an older man who had read the book many times, who pointed out: "Loins is the terms for men's, uh, parts, too."

The alpha man was undaunted. "Then we'll distinguish the men's loins from the women's."

The others looked at him, not understanding. "We will propose a bill -- and pass it -- that says the woman's, um, parts between her legs are 'loins.' The man's private parts will be referred to as 'Sir-loins,'"

Another man, whose background was law, nodded. "Yes, perfect. So if in the future we have to engage in discourse about, um, sex -- he looked around apologetically -- "And a man reaching his ultimate pleasure, we can refer to it as an 'explosion of the Sir-loin tip.'"

"What about a woman's, um, ultimate pleasure?" Someone asked, knowing that all bases have to be covered in legal arguments.

"According to North Carolina Representative Henry Aldrige, 'juices flow' and that's about all that happens in a woman," someone answered. "Henry's got us covered." The others nodded. The female juices theory was acceptable. Most of the men knew that women don't enjoy sex anyway, and the few who do were sluts.

The men ended the meeting feeling sure that, aside from sluts and whores, women would applaud the replacement of the offensive "V word" with the long accepted "loins" and the world will be a more upright and moral place for all.

 
 
 
FOLLOW COMEDY