06/16/2010 02:22 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

A Thoroughly American Response to BP's Oil Event

As is being proven every day, BP's inadequate disaster response plan, coupled with the government's complete lack of regulation, will once more fall into the hands of taxpayers, i.e. us, to clean everything up. Just like the 2011 Jeep Grand Cherokee commercial --"This was once a country where people made things, beautiful things. And so it is again," etc., etc., so buy our product etc. -- Americans are being called to take up arms of, um, boom and make the wrongs of the world right. With that in mind, here are some real, immediate responses to plugging the leak that do not need months of legislation. It's time to get serious, America. Serious about this corporate communist socialist scandal and take the power back.

After much investigative reporting, I'm certain that any of the following could plug the leak completely and forever, and what's even better, be kept in mind for the next dozen deep-water explosions in the near future:

Fluoride. Initially I was going to suggest social security checks, but it occurred to me that the communist mind control plot by American government officials to lobotomize us through fluoride, so bravely reinvigorated by Nevada "politician" Sharron Angle's campaign, would work so much better. Considering the damage the compound has been wreaking via our drinking water, there is no doubt that in inflated amounts fluoride would immediately freeze dry the leak. I personally nominate Tom's of Maine Wintermint, as the fresh smell and just-brushed feeling would immediately cleanse those poor fishes of those nasty oil marks from the underwater plumes that do not exist.

Muslim babies. Kansas congressman Todd Tiahrt approached Douglas Coe, associate director of Christian organization the Fellowship (organizers of the National Prayer Breakfast), and wanted to know the best way "for the Christians to win the race with the Muslim," as reported in Jeff Sharlet's insightful book, The Family. Tiahrt believes that Muslims have too many babies, while Americans kill their own, an obvious reason to make abortion illegal. It's true: As Mother Jones recently reported, every minute 157 new people join the global population, with just four in developed countries and 153 in those pesky third world nations that keep wasting our time. Since we all know Christ loves SUVs, which is why he gives them to his true followers, there would be no harm done in stuffing a few (thousand) little brown-skinned ones into the well. It's God's word.

Mark Kirk. No, duh, of course we're not going to dump the Illinois congressman into the freezing deep. What we can do, however, is have him fly over the Gulf and bomb the hell out of it. Considering his daredevil tactics in Iraq and the Navy Award he was given, it'd be like Luke Skywalker pinpointing the Death Star. He's got this.

Alvin Green's campaign. No wait, scratch that. Way too many holes in that thing already.

Mexican babies. Thank you Jan Brewer for inspiring this one. Talk about supporting local produce! What was I thinking, suggesting Muslim babies that we'd have to have shipped over from over in, um, over there. We have thousands upon thousands free for the picking right in Arizona! And if the hole proves too big, use their parents too! They're pretty small people in general, which is why they snake under those fences like that. You go girl, telling Obama what he can do with his border jokes!

Prayer. Brilliant assessment President Obama! While I fully support your clean energy initiatives and have always been a fan of the fact that you're a real human being who traveled the world before we elected you into office, this may be your greatest idea yet. Pray the oil away! Heaven knows it worked so well for the U.S. soccer team against England, so let's tie this one up too! Which fits perfectly with the last top kill technique...

Bibles. I'm not quite sure why the "most read book in the world" isn't marketed under the reason that is so: the most printed book in the world; the most forcefully circulated book in the world. Don't we all know the story by now? Can't we write a new one? At least David Segal is finally calling for amendments to the Constitution. Why can't we understand that our religions need serious revising as well? Let's put recycling to the real test and clog up these holes. We've already killed enough trees printing this thing. Too many lives depend on our growing up and facing the world as it is, not reverting to some silly fantasy after-world. The new religious text would be short, and could easily be blogged: Help one another out, and quit being scared of what you don't understand because you've never left your country except for that week in Cancun. What we do know is that we need help, and we need to learn how to help one another (and not just Americans). It all starts with what one friend calls his favorite of the six senses: common.

No animals were harmed in the making of this blog, but thanks to my second amendment right, I'm going to run out and kill some now!