Are you currently 3 years old and dressed in a sequined pink tulle tutu and yet, still finding yourself confused about who you really are? Take this quiz and everything will become as clear as an Arendelle ice crystal:
1. On most mornings, you can be found:
a. Snug in your parents' bed with your fingers in your mother's nose and your heel digging into your father's neck.
b. Removing your pull-up so that you can pee on the floor.
c. Waking up your family with a demand to bake cupcakes without delay.
d. Taking off the tights that took your mother five minutes to get you into, because they're not the correct shade of magenta.
2. During snack time, you:
a. Chew one of your apple slices, spit it out onto the floor and then crumble your cracker into your mother's special drink.
b. Refuse to even look at an edible item unless it's in the drinkable yogurt food group.
c. Hit your older brother on the head with your sippy cup.
d. Sing "Let It Go."
3. At bedtime, you like to:
a. Demand to read the very book that has mysteriously disappeared without a trace.
b. Jump up and down on your older brother's bed and insist on sleeping with his security stuffed tiger.
c. Drink large quantities of water, take off your pull-up and then pee on your sheets.
d. Ask to brush your teeth and then cry because you threw your Aurora toothbrush in the toilet and now have to use a generic one until a new princess toothbrush can be procured.
4. When strangers meet you, they say to your mother:
a. What a little angel you have!
b. Don't worry -- it's just a phase.
c. You look tired.
d. I've never seen that shade of pink on something that wasn't Jennifer Lopez.
5. When you enter a supermarket, you generally tend to:
a. Realize you have to pee.
b. Wait until you're close enough to the wine display to start grabbing.
c. Point to a random passerby and say, "You're a monster!"
d. From 30 feet away, spot sugary crap with a princess image on it and scream until it's purchased.
6. During your mother's Skype interview to return to work and prove to herself that she can be a useful member of society again, you:
a. Take off your clothes, enter the room and announce that you need to poop.
b. Enter the room and bite her leg fiercely so that she shrieks "What the fuck?" at a decibel level that causes the interviewer to suffer from temporary deafness.
c. Stand outside the door and say "Mommy Mommy Mommy" 10,000 times.
d. Cause an electrical short in the house by inserting the arm of your magic clip Elsa doll into an electrical socket.
7. Your favorite T-shirt has the image of:
a. Bob the Builder.
b. Winnie the Pooh.
c. Caillou.
d. If you try to give me a T-shirt or any other item of clothing that's not a dress, I will suck all the remaining joy from you for the rest of the day.
8. The only pair of shoes you agree to wear have:
a. Lights that go on and off.
b. Eyes and ears so that your feet resemble little bears.
c. A strap and buckle combination that is so complicated to negotiate, your mother needs two special drinks to unwind after putting them on.
d. Bows, flowers, sequins, fluffy bits, high heels and a matching handbag.
9. When your brother is talking about minions, you:
a. Say "Macaroni, spaghetti, meatball," and then you both giggle.
b. Shoot him with a lipstick taser.
c. Discuss Steve Carell's oeuvre.
d. Scream: IT'S MY TURN TO TALK ABOUT FROZEN!!!!!
10. Yesterday, you made the following demand that made your parents look sad, angry and helpless all at once:
a. I want another treat.
b. I want to watch Teletubbies.
c. I want to take off my clothing in this public place where there are people who clearly don't like children.
d. I want you to hire the Disney Collector lady to perform at my Bat Mitzvah in nine years.
11. Your favorite holiday is:
a. Christmas, because of all the love you feel flowing around you.
b. Halloween, because you get to dress up.
c. Labor Day, because you identify with the workers. Wait, what?
d. Wassailia. Look it up, b*tches.
Answer Key:
You answered mostly As: You're about as well-adjusted as any erratic and exhausting toddler. Your parents are going prematurely gray. Well done!
You answered mostly Bs: Gosh, you're a stubborn little thing, aren't you? Your mother is having her special drink right at this very moment.
You answered mostly Cs: Just when your parents think they finally understand you, you do something wacky, like cut up the contents of your dad's wallet with the nail scissors you found in the bathroom. But you're still not princess-obsessed...
You answered mostly Ds: Congratulations! You are a princess-obsessed toddler. I hope your mother is calling Disney Collector right now -- I hear she's already overbooked in 2024.