THE BLOG
02/26/2015 02:20 pm ET | Updated Mar 04, 2015

"The Shopping Maccabees: A Chanukah Miracle"

2015-02-20-Meno81c.jpgChanukah had started, the menorah was lit
The family had sung, now they'd give gifts and sit
A little big brown-eyed girl and her brother
Got loads of great stuff then gave stuff to each other
Her dad thought her gift of some slippers terrific
But her mother had taste which was very specific
She unwrapped a big box and took out a hat
"It's not me," said her mom quite simply. "Take it back"
That night, at her window, the little girl wondered
How she could have with such a bad hat have blundered
"Whatever shall I do?" cried the befuddled little girl
"To fix this muddled gift would take a miracle"
Then suddenly there appeared out of the fog
Gleaming helmets--OK, it's LA, it was smog--
Helmets on horseback were bearing none other
Than Chanukah's very own brave band of brothers
The little girl rubbed her big brown eyes and stared
At the Maccabees as they rode up and declared
"Miracles don't stop with this holiday's lights
We'll get your mom a gift she'll keep more than eight nights
You've the right to the freedom to shop without fear
Your plight is our fight, it is why we are here
But where can one get a present this late
That's something your mother will like and not hate?"
"We get stuff in stores so let's go to the mall,"
Explained the little girl. "They've the most stores of all"
"To the mall!" the proud Maccabees shouted as one
"There's a picky-present, gift-giving war to be won!"
And so on the mall the righteous battalion descended
With the girl hoping her gifting faux pas could be mended
First let me say you'd need a very good reason
To go to a mall during the holiday season
But go there they did, though it wasn't so easy
As traffic at malls can make anyone queasy
They cruised both the lower and top parking courses
But all spots had cars so they valeted the horses
Then they marched inside, and at first they fit in
For the place was aloud with a crowd-crushing din
And they would've been fine if old Miss Busybody
Hadn't noticed their swords and then dropped all her money
Which she quickly picked up as she panicked and shrieked
Then security was called and the chaos peaked
Clerks dove behind counters though some patrons did shout
"Are those swords on sale?" while still others ran out
But the warriors stood strong, "There's no way we're disarming
Our swords match our shields, it's why our armor's so charming"
But before the girl could speak some large blue-suited men
Bounded down escalators and surrounded all of them
Then from the front lines stepped forth the bold Judah
To address a big guard whose name-tag dubbed him "Buddha"
"We're just here in Bloomingdale's doing a mitzvah
To find something for this poor girl's mother that fits her"
Big Buddha who chewed on what he had just heard
Burped his reply as he digested the word
"If by 'mitzvah' you mean 'purchase' well then, by all means, please
For we wouldn't think of stopping any shopping Maccabees"
So from the bowels of housewares the army took its leave
Cut a swath through lingerie until they found accessories
They ransacked the hats, "no," the scarves, "no," the kerchiefs
"I don't think we'll find anything good here to purchase,"
The little girl sniffed as she searched and then sighed
But then in a glass case she suddenly spied
A pair of brown leather gloves so soft and tapered
With room for long nails like her dear mother favored
"It's perfect," proclaimed Judah. "The beige trim will go
With that sweater you gave her four Chanukahs ago"
Thus the troops with breath held to the little girl prodded
"It's a miracle," she whispered, then looked up and nodded
"Mazel Tov!" yelled the Maccabees, relieved and elated
Then they danced in a circle as they celebrated
Then patrons joined in, boys on left, girls on right
All dancing in Bloomie's, it was quite a sight
Now upon the clerk's face which was frozen with fear
Came a warmth which he hadn't felt for nearly a year
He gulped and hem-hemed and when his throat let it
His voice cracked as he asked, "Is that cash, or credit?"
"If by 'credit' you mean 'yichus,'" said Judah, "you will find
This little girl's last name has established quite a line"
And to prove it the girl produced her good name on plastic
"We'll take it," said the clerk. Cried the Maccabees, "That's fantastic!
You can buy things with yichus? I wish I were living!"
And then they went home with the gloves she was giving
The next night the girl gave her mother those gloves
And she could tell by her face they were gloves she would love
But when her dad tucked her in, it struck her as weird
That he looked just like Judah, only without the beard
He kissed her and winked and turned out the light
And she looked out the window and thought of last night
And so as you consider whether to keep gifts or return them
Exchange them for earmuffs or just want to burn them
Remember the Maccabees who with courage and thrift
Braved a mall in December to get you that gift
Then called back to the little girl as they rode off in haste
"Happy Chanukah to all, and to all, better taste!"

A Little Big Brown-Eyed Girl Adventure © D. Māza 2009