Did you know that human brains are hard-wired to scout for trouble? Back in caveman days, or even the wild wild west, continuously scanning your surroundings for trouble was a useful way for us to be hard-wired, since danger and life-threatening situations loomed around every corner.
And when you're in the middle of a divorce or separation, it's natural to feel more pessimistic than optimistic. Let's face it, even if ending the relationship is the right decision, it doesn't make it an easy decision.
But now that we live in the [comparatively] safer 21st century, this negativity-seeking hard-wire insures that we emphasize the troubles and worries in our life, rather than focusing on the good things. And while there are always plenty of bad things that go on in the world, there are also abundant good things.....if we remember to slow down long enough to pay attention.
Yes, even if you're getting divorced. There are still good things in your life even if your relationship is ending, even if they're difficult to identify at the moment. Set your intentions to positive thoughts and they'll serve as your beacon. http://bit.ly/craDvQ
Think I'm sounding a little airy-fairy here? This exercise is actually based on Stanford University's Gratitude Study, directed by Dr. Frederic Luskin, Ph.D. http://learningtoforgive.com/. The study found that people who focused on what they were thankful for just a minute or two a day had much more positive attitudes, and, as a result, a higher quality of life, than those who didn't. And best of all, it's simple, free, and it works.
You can make gratitude a habit by practicing it every day with this simple exercise http://bit.ly/8XK8PU:
Simply take a minute to make a mental list of everything you're thankful for every single day. It might be something big: the chemotherapy worked, a promotion, your best friend's new baby. It can also be small stuff: you find your car keys, your team makes it to the playoffs, your long lost friend finds you on Facebook.
Here's my list from this morning:
• I love the way the light shines through the Venetian blinds in the morning
• I am so happy my rescue dog finally learned to "sit"
• I'll have time to take a nap on Saturday
• I'm going to have a very productive week
• There's leftover spaghetti so I don't need to cook tonight
• I don't have to answer to my spouse anymore about my choices with money or how I spend my time
This list might sound a little silly. But I really am thankful for these things. And the point is to make a list, no matter how insignificant any given item is. The exercise is about making a list, not about the items on the list.
Be thankful for all things, from important to mundane.
Go over your list during a quiet time of day or night for you. Maybe during those few minutes between the time you wake up and when you actually have to get up, in the middle of the night when you wake up and can't get back to sleep, or simply pausing during the day.
When you're feeling gratitude, you'll literally have a better day than if you let your negativity hard-wire be in charge all the time. And if you're feeling down, watch the Gratidudes do their Gratitude Dance--or better yet, join in!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9z2ELaBVJY
Follow Diana Mercer on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@dianamercer
There are dozens of good things in your life - no matter what. If your relationship has ended, it can be sad and unnerving as you search in vain for the why. But even in the darkest of times there are basics such as friends & family, shelter, food, health, and nature that we can marvel at and be thankful for.
A positive spin on the happenings of each day is truly the way. A focus on faith helps too.
http://www.BouncingBackNow.com
Sometimes it's about appreciating the small stuff. ESPECIALLY when the big stuff isn't going right.
I'm trying to create a survey of who read the fairy tale of the snow flake?
As opposed to who read the fairy tale of Adam and Eve. It follows the story of creation in the book of Genesis which ENDS at 2.3. Just read it; there is a real demarcation betweeen the creation story and the fairy tale of Adam and Eve. The Lord created male and female in 1.27 and there was no fairy tale included at that point.
I think that much of the time too many people believe in Fairy Tales and the "happily ever after" conclusion and are frustrated by reality.
I could go on with this subject but I think you get the idea.
In my own divorce, my former husband said, "You're never going to finish that book!" and 18 months later Simon and Schuster published Your Divorce Advisor. So as much as it was a snipe, it was also the push I needed forward. By the way, we're on good terms today (and were soon after that).
We use the following quote taken from Newsweek magazine in a 2010 review of the movie 'Psycho': 'What frightened the caveman still frightens us today.'
So although we have the intellectual capacity to understand how upsetting divorce is, we still are predisposed to defend ourselves and lash out if we perceive we are being attacked.
The gratitude activities are a compelling antidote to feeling threatened. So is the knowledge of the existence of our primordial brain and the mastery of skills to over-ride primitive urges for conflict.
Claire N. Barnes, MA kidsturn@earthlink.net
Executive Director, Kids' Turn www.kidsturn.org