Today's Bullies - Tomorrow's Criminals?

Have you ever been the victim of a bully? Ever stand silent and let a bully pick on someone?

Most people wouldn't consider bullying a crime -- but it could be creating criminals right before our very eyes.

A study from a group called Fight Crime: Invest in Kids concluded that nearly 60 percent of boys whom researchers classified as bullies in grades 6-9 were convicted of at least one crime by the age of 24. And get this, 40 percent of those same boys grew up to have three or more criminal convictions.

In other words, today's bully could be tomorrow's criminal.

So, what can we do about it?

I'm a big believer in families taking responsibility for the actions of their children. But boys and girls reserve their bullying for when they are away from Mom and Dad. That means other adults have to step up at schools, camps, sporting events and youth activity centers.

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We need to tell parents when their children are being bullies. And we should teach all kids to refuse to join in the taunting. It is abuse, pure and simple. Children can be scarred for life by a bully. And, once robbed of their self esteem they can suffer from mental and physical problems, drop out of school and even commit suicide.

I'm not being dramatic here. It happens too often.

Case in point: In 2006, A 13 year old Missouri girl was the victim of cyber-bullying by a former friend's mother and ultimately took her life. 13 year-old Megan Meier hanged herself in her bedroom after believing a MySpace boyfriend had dumped her. In reality, there was no boy. A neighbor, 49 year old Lori Drew, had concocted the online persona after Megan and Drew's daughter fought. Drew now faces criminal charges.

Newsweek magazine recently featured a cover story on a gay teen named Larry King who was bullied for years and fought back by being flamboyant in his homosexuality. He was murdered by a 14 year-old classmate, shot in the head in an Oxnard, California computer class in front of a teacher and a room full of students.

Many mature adults still get teary when recalling their humiliating days at the hands of the class bully, mainly because bullies don't operate alone. They pick up sycophantic disciples along the way and that multiplies the victim's pain.

I don't usually recommend books in this space but I do now. It's called "Letters To A Bullied Girl: Messages of Healing And Hope" and it is dramatic in its simplicity. I recommend every parent buy it and read it with their children.

The real life backstory centers on Olivia Gardner, a teenager from Novato, California. After suffering an epileptic attack at school she became the brunt of a horrific series of bully-fueled events. Her tormentors taunted her with hurtful names, dragged her backpack through the mud and after they created an "Olivia Haters" website on MySpace a group of bullies took to wearing bracelets declaring "Olivia Shall Die." The internet ugliness followed Olivia to three different schools over more than two years. She wanted to kill herself until a newspaper story about her plight appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle and her life changed forever.

Two sisters in a neighboring community read the front-page story about Olivia and were compelled to action. Teenagers Emily and Sarah Buder asked friends to write letters of support to Olivia. More than four thousand poured in.

The book borne of this Samaritan effort features the letters from males and females who were mercilessly teased for being short, tall, fat, skinny, smart, having buck teeth, eyeglasses, bad skin or a large nose. Some letter writers revealed they had taken grief for being poor, having an alcoholic parent or because they were from a minority group. Many admitted they wept when they read about what happened to Olivia.

Some who wrote were contrite former bullies who admitted they did what they did because their own lives were out of their control. They told Olivia, and through her the rest of us, that bullies seek to humiliate to make others feel as insignificant as they feel.

Many of the letters in the book offered words of wisdom for the young girl. One of the most touching is from "Joshua" who wrote to Olivia, "Please love yourself in the same way your family loves you. As you go through life, you will realize that there are a lot more of 'us' holding you up than 'them' putting you down."

Simple advice for those suffering at the hands of a bully. All adults should pass it forward and step up when we see behavior that could be creating criminals right before our very eyes.

Comments

[1will]

Good column. Unfortunately many parents will not believe their child could ever be a bully. My wife is a teacher and you would not believe the stories she brings home about some kids and the parents that stand up for them no matter what they do. It's a bit off topic but kind of sadly amusing so I'll give one example. A child was finally caught after smearing excrement (on several occaisons) on the bathroom walls and the parents blamed his punishment (not the offense) on racism and said the behavour was not banned in the student handbook.
If you are going to confront a parent about their child being a bully be prepared for denial and a sly lying child. Have your proof before making an accusation. Plans for a "Friendly Talk" will never work out.

[Diane Dimond - Huffpost Blogger]

You know, 1will, these kids have de-volved into being bullies for a reason. I'd venture to guess in a majority of cases the parents and the home situation play a big part in why the child behaves they way he/she does.
I have lots of teachers in my family. I, frankly, don't know how they do it! Kudos to your wife and all the others. ~ DD

[wolfgangmo]

Once a thug, always a thug?

[HoneyBQuick]

Such an important topic - and I'd love to see more on the possible connections between bullying among children and then bullying among adults. Work place bullies are a major social issue for thousands and thousands of American workers, yet, it is almost never addressed. We believe that we all just "grow out of it" as adults, but that is a silly belief.

It's just that, as adults, we have more power to leave our jobs, take legal action, etc., whereas, children are often trapped in their situations.

I was bullied and in return, bullied others, so I understand both sides of the issue. And sweetums is spot on with her comments.

Thank you Diane for this blog!

[Diane Dimond - Huffpost Blogger]

Oh, HoneyBQuick - would it be lovely if we could send all those work-place bullies to the princepals office for a timeout?! ~DD

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

I was bullied when I was young.....simply because i came from a different country. The bully was one of my former friends. Who knows why she turned on me....she seems to have had a lovely family. Perhaps she needed empowerment.....perhaps she was somehow abused, but once others joined in, it became tough for me.... going home from school....going out to play. I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve such treatment except for the fact that I was from a different country....and alone. I had no siblings and no family support....being the child of a single parent who worked 2 jobs.

I became very introverted and insecure....this followed me through high school....and no doubt had a role in my not reaching my potential in life. In my teenage years, I was aggressive to say the least. Fortunately, the moment I started studying psychology..... I got it. I understood . Many of the things that haunted me...went away. I was somehow healed.....by simply understanding what drives people to do the things they do.

I can't help but wonder what those girls are doing now? I wonder how they react when their children are bullied? I wonder if their children ARE bullies? One thing I know, I will never let it happen to my child.

[Diane Dimond - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Concerned AboutRFuture -
Too bad EVERYONE doesn't study psychology! Your last line says it all. If we recognize how destructive bullying can be and take steps to stop it (or at least curb it) think how many more happy kids we'd have. ~DD

[joebiz]

Three of the bullies from my former grade and middle schools ended in prison. And, two others were also in and out of prison and ended up dead, killed by someone who would not take it.

[Diane Dimond - Huffpost Blogger]

Joebiz-
Wow - guess thats pretty much in line with the study I quoted. Scary! ~DD

[sophieozz]

If adults don't believe a bully is a bully, why not document their behavior? With portable cams, phones and recorders, it's easy to do, even surreptitiously. Many young people carry these devices. With this sort of proof, how can a responsible parent or caretaker continue to believe the accused bully is innocent?

[dctackett]

"because my little billy would never do such a thing!""

[wolfgangmo]

"It's been photoshopped."

[Diane Dimond - Huffpost Blogger]

yes, I'm sure if confronted (even) with video of their misbehaving child some parents will still deny it. But at least the school would have a record of it if they ever chose to take steps to expel the child. ~DD

[dctackett]

I too was bullied throughout all my years in school for being poor and introverted... the bottom line is that people need to stop the bullying when it happens, whether it be children or adults. When adults are bullies, their kids become bullies. When children are allowed to be little punks, they will grow up to be big punks...
I will for sure be teaching my little girl to help people who are being bullied.

[JScott]

'just keep in mind that these are children who have been highly traumatized themselves.'-And look into despots and dictators backgrounds you'll probably find a lot of them from bullied/bullier/abusive backgrounds.

[Diane Dimond - Huffpost Blogger]

JScott I think you're on to something. I remember reading about how Adolph Hitler was bullied as a child. Wondering now about the childhoods of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden! ~DD

[RobinSeattle]

Diane, I don't have time to read all that stuff you linked to and I suspect I am not alone in that. Just bottom line it for us. What crimes are we talking about? Are we talking burglary, rape and murder here or less serious offenses such as shoplifting, drunk driving and disorderly conduct?

In addition, were these studies sex specific (i.e, focusing on males and failing to examine the fates of female bullies)?

[Diane Dimond - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, sex specific. The authors of the study looked at boys only. (I know, too bad)
60% of these boys were found to go on to commit crimes....and 40% of them went on to commit multiple crimes. Specifics on the types of crimes were lacking but they were described "serious" and "aggressive" - i.e. road rage, assaults, muggings and burglaries with aggravated circumstances - physical crimes against other people.

Sure wish someone would study what happens to all those miserable little girls who taunt and tease others - and bully them in so many other ways!

[rockyersocksoff]

See the "Chris Matthews Vs PUMAs" video...

[recless]

One study followed up by anecdotal evidence does not constitute proof. This should be a call for more valid research to confirm if this finding is correct, because it could lead to real reductions in crime rates if adopted nationwide. However, if just tossed around without proof, it has the potential to be dismissed. I was not able to find the actual research or where or how it was published, if it was peer reviewed, etc.

[Diane Dimond - Huffpost Blogger]

recless -

here are some sites to explore:

http://www.cde.ca.gov/ls/ss/se/bullyres.asp
http://www.fightcrime.org/releases.php?id=65
http://www.ncpc.org/topics/bullying

D Dimond

[sweetums]

As a psychotherapist that sees a lot of bullies - just keep in mind that these are children who have been highly traumatized themselves. This does not mean that they should be allowed to continue or that they should be given any "slack". Hurt people tend to hurt people -- a good thing to keep in mind for those children being verbally victimized by these children. Bullies should not be unsupervised on the playground, on the bus, or sometimes even in the classroom - they do not possess the impulse control nor a healthy degree of conscience development, and to expect them to make the right choices without this supervision is a recipe for disaster for all concerned.

[wolfgangmo]

It is the job of all good people to stand between evil and the innocent.

We all need to stand up. There ARE more of us than there are of them.

[Diane Dimond - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks to everyone who sent this column on to the DIGG IT community!
I appreciate the enthusiastic support!
Diane Dimond