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Dianne Harman Headshot

Not With A Bang, But With A Whimper

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New Year, new thoughts, new beginnings. What is it I haven't done that I've always wanted to do? And more importantly, what's holding me back from doing it? Do I have the courage to do it this year?

I remember a 40th surprise birthday party for a friend of ours several years ago. The guests were asked to come about an hour before the "birthday boy" was due to arrive. When we got to the party, we were given a "Hello" name badge sticker and asked to write the name of a place we'd like to go and then put it on our clothing so everyone could see it and as an ice breaker, we could discuss the various places we wanted to go with one another. I'd always wanted to go to Nepal, so I put Nepal on mine and looked forward to seeing all the exotic places other people wanted to go.

Wrong!!! The places people wanted to go to were Laughlin, Nevada, San Francisco, Reno, and a few others. I think the most exotic place anyone wanted to visit was Hawaii. I spent the rest of the night talking to myself because no one was interested in Nepal. People looked at my destination, but no one, not one person, ever talked to me. However, the flame had been lit and I became determined to go. A few months later I did and it was a trip I've never regretted. Would I have been so determined to go without that experience? I doubt it. From that time on, my life has been more about "If I don't do it (whatever it is) now, when am I going to do it?" That mantra has become a core belief for me.

So what's stopping you from doing something you want to do or go somewhere you want to go? Certainly, as we age we've earned the right to do some things we want to do. Usually the things that held us back at an earlier age are no longer relevant, such as small children at home, etc. And if you're retired, the job or lack of time isn't holding you back. In this Internet Age, we can research anything, so we can no longer use the excuse of not knowing about something.

One of the things I've found that holds people back is trying to please everyone in their life. When a family member tells us we shouldn't do something because... it's hard to overcome a negative response from them if we've been "people pleasers" all these years. So, is it time for me? Absolutely. "If not now, when?"

One of the things we've learned (hopefully) in our later years is the art of compromise. I've wanted to go to Sicily for a long time, but I just couldn't make it happen. I'm a vagabond at heart and I've been married to someone for years who is happiest at home. Fortunately he's never tried to keep me from vagabonding around the world, probably knowing it wouldn't work. For a very significant birthday of mine he told me he was giving me the gift of us going to Sicily. A few weeks later, I sensed him backpedaling, saying things like "You know, I'm not real big on seeing lots of museums and cathedrals, etc."

I realized he was getting ready to renege on his gift to me. We both love to cook and have attended cooking schools throughout the world. I suggested we go to a cooking school for several days and then explore Sicily on our own. It was a perfect compromise. A win-win situation for both of us. Now each of us is eagerly looking forward to this trip, but for different reasons. He can cook and I can go to the out-of-the-way places where the people are. One of my fondest memories is eating chicken out of a pot which a local cooked in the cab of his truck as I waited for sunrise to see Borobudur in Indonesia. "If not then, when?" Most people I know would never have done that, thinking of all the reasons (particularly sanitary ones) why one shouldn't eat out of a pot on the back of a dirty truck. I'm so glad I did. I well remember the Indonesian man and the connection we had. I would have missed if I hadn't thought, "If I don't do it, will I regret it?"

My son told my husband recently that my husband's "runway was getting a bit short." (He was diplomatic enough not to comment on mine!) I've thought a lot about that statement and I don't want to get to the end of my runway regretting that I didn't do something. The thought's been cropping up on a daily basis as I watch the hospice caregivers change shifts while they care for our next door neighbor who has terminal cancer. I've wondered what's going through his mind. Does he regret not doing certain things? There will come a time when all of us are unable to do things. In the words of one of my favorite poets, T.S. Eliot, "This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper." I don't want to whimper. I want my world to end with a bang! Don't you?

Arianna Huffington and Mika Brzezinski are taking The Third Metric on a 3-city tour: NY, DC & LA. Tickets are on sale now at thirdmetric.com.

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