THE BLOG
10/04/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Levi Johnston Is a F---in' Redneck Genius

McCAIN: So, is this the Impregnator?

LEVI: Impregnawhat? I'm just a fuckin' redneck. Dude, how old are you again? Like, 126 years old? You got hella bags under your eyes, man. You should do something about that.

McCAIN: Well, I can't, you cunt, because I can't lift my arms high enough to put on Cindy's expensive eye cream every night. Because I'm a fuckin' war hero, okay? A P-O-FUCKIN'-W, ever heard of it?

LEVI: Yeah, yeah. Whatevs. I know guns are cool and shit. Don't get your crusty panties in a twist, bro.

BRISTOL: (sighs) I love it when men fight over me. This is so romantic. Levi, I can't wait to have your baby. And the second one, and the third, and the fourth, and the...

LEVI: Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. Slow down. Remember how I said I didn't want any fuckin' kids? Boy, you really effed up my life plans.

BRISTOL: Your life plans? What about my life plans?

LEVI: What are you fuckin' talkin' about? I made you. You're set. Instead of being branded a pinhead by Bill O'Reilly and having conservatives blame your parents for this shit, you're, like, now the poster child for the right-to-life movement. As though abortion had anything to do with our fuckin' a lot without a condom. Think about it--you're getting rewarded for your "morals" by puttin' out at 17! Most kids our age would get killed for this shit, and I'm going to be on national TV instead. This is greatest bait-and-switch in history. I'm a fuckin' genius.

McCAIN: Kid, you are a fuckin' genius. A cunt, but a genius cunt, nevertheless. (beat) Do you want to run my campaign?

LEVI: The dividends from fuckin' without a condom just keep rollin' in. Sweeeet.