11/30/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Prop 8 for the [Easily Manipulated, Exploited, Poorly Indoctrinated] Kids

Dear Little Irene and Randy,

It's great that you're getting involved with politics at such a young age. Having not hit puberty yet, we're sure it can get pretty durned confusing with all of the grownups around ya filling your head with all sorts of "information" and "facts" about important things like, "Why homosexuality is wrong" and "The certainty of you suddenly encountering the confusing situation of your mom being a man and your dad being a woman if Proposition 8 doesn't pass in California." So many big words! And not enough playtime or candy, Right? Are ya with us? High fives!

So we wanted to get real simple and tell you a couple of things about your parents. They're actually goblins. That's right, goblins! Do you know what a goblin is? A goblin is a monster who has a human brain cut in half and then half again, one that is shriveled up and purple like a prune! Eww! Prunes! They also smell really really bad, mostly because they eat brains for breakfast! Yuck! Don't forget this, either -- goblins have ugly feet, and because they are so stupid, they can't carry on normal conversations, carry on productive lives, or write two verses that rhyme.

So these goblin parents of yours, they were cursed by a very ugly, wicked witch with a very, ugly wicked nose with a wart on it (Ewww!) a long time ago -- a punishment for stealing cookies from autistic babies. Don't worry if you don't know what "autistic" means (by the way, it means "awesome.") Anyway, so your goblin parents knew that one day they would have children, and those children would not be goblins! They would be wonderful, sweet, beautiful children named Irene and Randy. But the goblins knew, because of the curse, that those beautiful children would be disgusted if they knew that the goblins were goblins. Maybe those beautiful children would abandon the goblins, because they were so icky and stupid! So they went to the witch doctor and asked for a spell... and the spell gave them the power of a hypnotic music. With the gift of one very simple, hypnotic song, they could brainwash their beautiful children, and channel the hate of goblins somewhere, anywhere else! That's right! They could make their children hate somebody else!!

So they wrote a song, which wasn't very good (because they're stupid goblins that can't rhyme), and they played it for you every day. And you've been hypnotized with hatred ever since!

Additionally, your parents have also stolen most of your Christmas presents, killed your dog and goldfish, and eat cake while playing video games every night after you go to bed.

Oh, and also, we have heard that if you sing the "Yes on 8" song more than 14 times, you also turn into a goblin.

The moral of the story is: divorce your parents. They're narrow-minded assholes that have exploited and filmed you doing something terrible. When you grow older, we are sure that you will regret this, and on that day, we hope that you consider socking them both in the neckmeat.

And our advice to you is: if you want to get a lot of candy on Halloween, dress up as a sign that says, "Vote NO on Prop 8!" And when you walk around the neighborhood, be sure to chant, "Bigotry is Dead! My Parents are Goblins! Vote No on 8!" And no, it doesn't rhyme -- but that should just make it easier for your parents to follow along.

If you have any questions, just stay in touch!

Love and gummi bears,