Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse has uncovered a huge problem facing our nation. In her Thanksgiving video message, which appeared on the Ruth Institute's website, she revealed that -- are you sitting down? -- your college student may know gay people! Gasp! Dr. Morse, or Dr. J, as she is affectionately known to her legion of heterosexual fans, holds a Ph.D. in economics and is the founder and president of the National Organization for Marriage's Ruth Institute, which "seeks to promote life-long married love to college students." Dr. J's strong credentials clearly make her an expert on a subject that has eluded most Americans until now: the fact that there are gay resident advisors in our nation's school system, heathens who are heavily influencing our college students in negative ways! My God! According to Dr. J these gay RAs are even forcing students to attend drag events! Who knew this reckless, outrageous behavior was going on right under our noses?! Unwitting parents are sending their sons away to college only to have those vulnerable boys forced into dressing like girls and living with actual gay people! Appalling! What kind of education are we providing these hapless kids?!
Dr. J's revelations have made me delve into my own psychology, and I must now open up and tell you all a deep, dark secret that I have never spoken about to anyone. When I was a freshman in college -- are you sitting down? -- I had a gay RA! There! My secret is out. Yes, I had a gay RA, and I am now (thanks to Dr. J) almost 100-percent sure that this is the reason I am gay. Because, let's face it, college RAs are the most influential people when it comes to shaping sexuality. Am I right? Now that I look back on my college days, I realize that my homosexual RA was subliminally turning all of us boys gay during our weekly hall meetings. He may have been informing us about college rules and policies, but really he was sending secret gay messages to us telepathically.
I feel so ashamed. Today I am a homosexual college professor. That's right. A gay, homosexual, fagotty college professor. Not only are college kids living with gay RAs, but they are also attending classes taught by gay people! The horror! Now that Dr. J has put everything into perspective, I see it all for what it truly is: College is just one big, giant homosexual initiation. Dr. J warns that conservatives focus too much on the liberal media's influence on society, but the real threat lies in the dorms of academia. This is a problem of epic proportions! I admit it! I am an active participant!
Dr. J does not posit how we should solve this problem. Perhaps she will have a kindly Christmas video to share some of her solutions. Until we hear from her again, we must work to solve this terrible problem on our own. I have several options open to me. I could either quit my job teaching and go into a field much more appropriate for someone like me: arranging flowers, decorating, ballet or something like that. But I do love teaching, so maybe I will renounce my homosexuality, dump my partner of 17 years and go on eHarmony to find a wife. At the very least, this will stop the influence that my gayness is having on my students in the classroom. I am not really sure what to do about the RA dilemma, though. Maybe we could expel the gay RAs from college and then have a more careful screening process for new ones. Or we could just get rid of the whole Resident Advisor program altogether and let the college kids fend for themselves without guidance.
Thanks, Dr. J, for sharing your holiday message with us. By the way, I love your Institute's tag line, "Making Marriage Cool!" It's so catchy. Maybe you could add another one: "Making RAs Groovy!" Or "Turning College Spiffy!" I will do my part. Thanks for doing yours.