Cubs Tickets Cured My Homosexuality

03/02/2015 08:30 am ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016
Raymond Boyd via Getty Images

What would make you renounce your homosexuality? An all-expenses-paid Caribbean cruise? A sleek new Jaguar? A million dollars?

For one gay Chicago baseball fan, it was tickets to a Cubs game.

As reported in Glenn Beck's The Blaze, David Benham told the following story at the National Religious Broadcasters convention:

We had so many people from the gay community reaching out to us and one man in particular from the city of Chicago reached out -- and he said things to me that made me lose my appetite, but I simply responded in love. After a little conversation back and forth, I found out he loved baseball ... and I got him tickets to a Cubs game. He shot me a Facebook post and said, 'I was not expecting that -- and I've been thinking a lot about this. I've chosen to walk away from my lifestyle.'

Benham and his identical twin brother, Jason, were fired from HGTV reportedly because of their conservative Christian views. This has not stopped them from denouncing homosexuality every chance they get. They send bribes... er, gifts... to convince people to see things from their points of view. In addition to baseball tickets, they have sent fruit baskets and dinner invitations. These are good, Christian boys spreading love and compassion.

I am a member of the "gay community" and am thinking of "reaching out" to the Benhams, too. I want my fair share of stuff... um, I mean... I want to be the recipient of their kindness and generosity. I do not know how to "walk away from my lifestyle" but I will give it a go for something fabulous like, say, Broadway tickets or some designer shoes. Wait -- do those sound too gay? Do I have to accept something that is more stereotypically "straight"? I am not a sports fan. I do not really want any power tools or chewing tobacco. Can I negotiate with the Benhams brothers? I will accept front row seats to Hedwig and the Angry Inch but, to make it less gay, I promise to belch loudly and not sing along.

It all sounds great, but there are more questions to be answered. Once I have walked away from the lifestyle and have used my free gift, can I walk back? Is there a stipulation that I remain heterosexual indefinitely? What about my husband? Does he get anything? Will the Broadway tickets include travel and hotel? Can I get something for my dogs, too? Technically, they are not members of the gay community, but I would argue that they are cute and deserving anyway.

Am I being greedy? Sorry! I am giddy with excitement at the prospect of getting free stuff!

The Benhams are onto something here. Some states have banned gay conversion therapy because it is harmful. But there are no bans against gay bribery therapy. A surefire way to get rid of the pesky problem of homosexuality is to give all the gays things that they have always wanted but could never afford. It may be expensive, but think how much easier everything will be in the long run! Gay people will be so happy and busy with their goods that they will forget all about being gay. It will put an end to all the legal craziness surrounding marriage equality laws, etc. And David Benham would no longer "lose his appetite" over gay people because they would all be cured.

Brother Jason says, "The right to speak freely means jack squat if we don't have the courage to speak boldly." Who is this Jack Squat? What did the Benham boys send him? I hope it was something good.

David adds, "What God needs most is a simple voice for truth." Well, truth and baseball tickets.