Gaypocalypse Now

04/03/2015 09:28 am ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016

On a recent Family Research Council radio program, Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee stated that the work of gay rights' advocates "won't stop until there are no more churches, until there are no more people who are spreading the Gospel."

Where did he get this information? He has hit the nail on the head! We gays have tried to keep this a secret for so long! But since Mr. Huckabee has exposed our true agenda, it is time to reveal the facts behind this long-held secret.

When people choose to be gay, they must take an oath to be the enemies of Christians. And, yes -- this is another secret that conservatives have been guessing at for some time -- being gay is a choice. In truth, one must apply to be gay once the decision to be homosexual has been made. The process is similar to applying to college. You supply background information, transcripts, and fill out an essay. The essay topics are slightly different depending on the state where you live, but they are all similar: "Explain your hatred of Christians in 750 words or less," or "Compare and contrast your lifestyle to the evils of Christianity." Your application is sent to the Gay Acceptance Group, or GAG, for approval.

I remember when I got my GAG acceptance letter. I was thrilled! But I could not tell anyone because I had not come out of the closet. I was required to stay inside the closet, raise my right hand and say: "I will persecute Christians to the best of my ability until there are no more Churches and no more people who are spreading the Gospel." I did not place my left hand on a Bible to take this oath, of course. I opted for a nice book of Walt Whitman poetry instead. I also had to swear devotion to Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand, but that is not relevant here. Once done, I exited the closet as an out-and-proud gay.

Most people think that the definition of 'gay' has something to do with whom you love. The truth is that being gay is all about whom you hate and how many lives you can destroy. Now you know.

This is difficult for gay Christians. When they take their oaths, they must also promise to work as spies, to destroy from within. Gay Christians do not relish the idea of lying to their congregations, but the allure of being gay is so strong, they cannot help themselves.

Once you are a GAG member, the truth about why Christians are your mortal enemies is revealed. There are hidden messages in the teaching of Jesus Christ! For instance, "Love your neighbor as yourself" is actually "Love your neighbor as yourself (unless they are homosexual)." And this: ""Do not judge, or you too will be judged (unless you are judging the gays, then have it)." This one is an eye-opener: "As I have loved you, so you must love one another (but you do not have to love icky gay people because I never really did)." I used to think that Christ's messages were beautiful and loving, but I have learned that they are weapons used against me and my kind.

It is tough work, let me tell you. There are dozens of churches and thousands of Christians in my county alone, so I am constantly working, working, working to chip away at their happiness and religious liberties. It takes up every minute of my free time. It is challenging to persecute a majority when you are a minority.

The real reason gays want to get married is not for love or even for legal benefits. It is because a couple can sabotage Christians twice as fast. When we take a wedding vow like "I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband," we are required to mutter, "Together, we can wreak havoc on those Bible-thumpers!" It is downright intoxicating to shatter the religious practices of Christian bakers and photographers and florists by getting married -- we can ruin so many lives simultaneously!

Mike Huckabee is too smart for us gays. He was brave to speak out and his insights may well end our war against churches and the Gospel. Too bad. It was delicious destroying Christian lives. But now I will have to go back in the closet, sit alone in the dark, and vow not to do any more damage.