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I Am Having Trouble Writing This Because Being Gay Is So Distracting

05/19/2015 09:23 am ET | Updated May 19, 2016

The recent Amtrak crash was a tragedy. Why did it happen? American Family Radio host Sandy Rios believes the train engineer's homosexuality could have been a factor. She suggests that the engineer, like all homosexuals, could have been "going through some confusion that has to do with the very core of who they are." This is an interesting angle on the... the... um... um....

Sorry. I was distracted for a minute. Ms. Rios is correct: It is difficult for us homosexuals to concentrate on daily tasks. Or do I mean "we homosexuals"? Which is it? Us? We? I am so constantly confused. Sorry. It is difficult for me to even remember how to type a sentence. OK, let me get back on track. Um....

Oh, boy! This is a struggle....

OK, so where was I? Oh, yes: Rios' angle on the story is worthy of attention. As the FBI investigates the... um.... What do you call it? The... um....

Wow! Where is my head? I was writing about that crash of the... um... you know, the... the... um... Amtrak crash, and I just could not stop thinking about Ricky Martin. What is he doing these days? He is so sexy. I wonder if he is making music -- or what? I mean, I heard one of his songs on the car radio the other day, and I almost ran off the road, and....

What am I doing? Sorry! OK, focus, focus, focus!

Rios is not the only one who thinks that gayness is a factor in this crash. Self-proclaimed "debunker of frauds" Chuck C. Johnson offered some thought-provoking tweets on the subject. "Gays have a higher rate of mental illness than do straights. You decide if engineer's homosexuality is worth noting. I report it."

Fascinating. I did not realize that gays are crazier than everyone else. I believe that extraterrestrials are invading the life force of half the world's population, and that mushrooms and rabbits talk to me in my sleep, but I never really believed that we gays are mentally different from anyone else. I don't know. Maybe it's all the meth I've been doing lately. That might be why I can't see things for what they really are.

Oh, right! Let me explain that meth remark. It relates to Johnson's other claim: "It is reasonable to ask if this night shift #amtrak188 train driver was on meth or had history with it, given gay proclivities to it."

Reasonable indeed. Most of the gays I know have a secret meth addiction. It is tough getting through a day, an afternoon, an hour, without our beloved meth. So, yes, it is totally reasonable to assume that because the engineer of the train is gay, he must have a meth addiction. Totally reasonable. He was probably doing poppers and cocaine at the time of the crash too. As Rios has reported, the engineer must have been confused to his core, and, of course, meth totally helps ease the core gay-confusion situation, and Judy Liza Cher Barbra fasten your seat belts it's going to be a bumpy night there's no place like home I have always depended on the kindness of strangers it's raining men hallelujah it's raining men I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses....

Sorry! OMG! My hands had no control as I typed the end of that last paragraph. That's a gay brain for you! I can't even get through a few moments of writing without thinking about all my favorite gay things -- you know, like that Matt Bomer. Oh, yeah, yeah, baby, so hot, hot, hot, and.... Aaah! Make it stop! I am so confused! Get me some meth!

I so admire and envy heterosexuals. I would give anything if I could get through just a few minutes of my day without constantly being confused to my core about my sexuality. What I wouldn't give to be straight, just so that I could concentrate on, um... on the... you know... the... um....