Introducing the Alert Silk System to Warn Businesses of the Gay Threat to Their Religious Liberties

03/09/2015 09:48 am ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016


"It being immediately necessary for the preservation of the public peace, health and safety, an EMERGENCY IS HEREBY DECLARED TO EXIST!" shrieks Oklahoma State Senator Joseph Silk in his recently introduced bill, Oklahoma Religious Freedom Reformation Act of 2015. In a New York Times article, Mr. Silk explains the need for his bill: "The L.G.B.T. movement is the main thing, the primary thing that's going to be challenging religious liberties and the freedom to live out religious convictions. And I say that sensitively, because I have homosexual friends." Mr. Silk believes that gays "don't have a right to be served in every single store. People need to have the ability to refuse service if it violates their religious convictions."

I, for one, do not want to be the cause of a state of emergency. I do not want to accidentally eat a doughnut in an Oklahoma bakery and unintentionally "trample another person's right to live out their religious beliefs in their place of business," as Mr. Silks says on his website. I want to preserve your religious liberties, I do. In order to act as sensitively as Mr. Silk, I have cracked open a Bible and read it carefully. I want to understand the needs of straight, Christian people better. I am so glad that I did! I was completely ignorant to this section in Exodus:

I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage and into the businesses of Oklahoma.

Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.

Thou shalt not arrange flowers for gay weddings, nor shall you bake a cake that is to be consumed by any mouth that touches another mouth of the same gender.

Thou shalt not serve tacos, hamburgers or pizzas to homosexuals even if they are very hungry. Let them starve, lest ye shall anger me, the LORD thy God.

Honor your father and your mother. But not father and father, or mother and mother. I created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Thou shalt not kill.

Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Thou shalt not steal.

Thou shalt not issue a marriage license to the homosexuals. This action is icky and creepy to me, the LORD thy God.

How did I not know this?! No wonder Mr. Silk says that I have "zero tolerance or consideration of other peoples' rights" and that I am a threat to "freedoms and liberties in the United States and Oklahoma" and that I am "attempting to strip other people's individual liberties away if they hold different beliefs."

Oh, my God! (I mean, "Oh, your God!") I am a threat to public peace, health and safety! I feel terrible. I realize now that Mr. Silk's Religious Freedom Reformation Act does not go far enough! Therefore, I propose an even stronger measure to solve this state of emergency: the Alert Silk System, or A.S.S. for short. It works like this:

All gay people will wear an electronic transponder on their foreheads. As a homosexual enters through a business door, the transponder will be read by a receiving antenna. This will trigger a warning ("Gay! Gay! Gay! Danger! Gay! Gay! Gay!") alerting owners and workers that their religious liberties are about to be violated. A siren will wail and bright lights will flash. The offending homosexual should flee the premises. A.S.S. also sends a signal to police headquarters. If the homosexual is not frightened enough by the warnings and does not scamper off, local police will intervene.

I admit that this is an aggressive answer to preserve public peace, but it is necessary in this climate of emergency to America's health and safety.

Some may say that this is too extreme. As an alternative, I suggest that businesses simply put out signs that read "We Serve Straights Only" and "Gays Keep Out."

I wonder how Mr. Silk's "homosexual friends" would respond?