04/05/2012 04:15 pm ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016

The College Conspiracy

To my fellow college professors:

I am worried! Rick Santorum is onto us! He has somehow cracked our top-secret codes and is revealing our well-orchestrated plans to ruin America! We had successfully duped citizens into believing that we were educating young minds, but this conservative whistleblower is exposing our dastardly plans. He must be stopped!

My concerns started a few months ago, when he leaked information that we liberal professors are indoctrinating students to make them over in Obama's image. How did he hit that nail so squarely on the head?! The frightening thing is many people believed him and started thinking we were snobs. We are elitists, it is true, but we do not want people believing that! Luckily, we managed to contain that outbreak. We diverted the nation's attention nicely by placing the First Lady in the White House garden with those cute schoolchildren. The photo ops were fabulous, and it all looked so wholesome. People totally forgot that we "educators" are intentionally indoctrinating kids' minds with the liberal agenda.

But now all our good work is about to unravel again. Just this week, Santorum revealed to a shocked country that we had successfully eliminated the teaching of American history in the California college system. I am astounded that he managed to figure this out. After all, we had taken every step to create the illusion that those courses were part of the curriculum. We falsely listed "American History" in all the college catalogues. We hired actors to portray students and professors at the scheduled meeting times. How does he know this is all a ruse?! This man is smart, I tell you. A genuine threat to our efforts!

The California "Erase History" initiative had been the ideal pilot program for us. Will we have to cancel our plans to eradicate the teaching of American history in the other 49 states? Can we still move forward with our ideas to phase out courses in religion without anyone noticing?

President Obama is the angriest I have ever seen him, due to these circumstances. At our last weekly meeting of PUTRA (Professors United to Ruin America), he ranted and raved about Santorum. The president appears to be as cool as a cucumber to the outside world, but behind closed doors, he is scared. We should all be terrified! We have worked so long and so hard to bring about the collapse of the United States, we cannot let this man Santorum thwart our good work.

We must double our efforts to overcome this threat. We must use every available opportunity to indoctrinate our students! I am doing my part. For example, just this morning in my 9:00 am brain-washing session -- I mean my 9:00 a.m. "class" -- a male student asked to use the bathroom. I cleverly responded, "Why, of course, my lad! And please feel free to use the men's or the women's room, whichever you prefer!" This kind of statement seemed like a throwaway to my unsuspecting students, but I was oh-so-subtly changing concepts of gender. Once we successfully confuse genders in the minds of the students, they will fail to form traditional family units in the future. If we all take measures like this, we should be able to ruin the American way of life in no time at all!

Our beloved liberal media has helped enormously by painting Santorum as an ignorant, manipulative fear monger who will say anything to get elected. But remember: Santorum is a shrewd genius who has the uncanny ability to see things that no one else can see.

We must remain strong! College professors, unite! We must continue to ruin America one young mind at a time!