'Outlaw Mother's Milk' Says Drug Czar

After declaring on Wednesday in Fresno that "marijuana is dangerous and has no medicinal benefit," Gil Kerlikowske, director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy said the next target will be "the biggest gateway drug of all, mother's milk."

While ramping up efforts to ensure that no human suffering can be relieved by doctors prescribing marijuana, Kerlikowske said his office will soon begin two new initiatives: first, to outlaw breast feeding and baby formula; and then a campaign to urge teenagers to avoid marijuana by increasing their use of alcohol and tobacco.

"It is the strong belief of the current White House Office that the Bush Administration's opposition to so-called science was well founded." Kerlikowske said. "We will soon publish evidence that gravity is a myth, water runs uphill, and hot air doesn't rise.

"We're also reexamining dubious and ridiculous claims that the earth allegedly revolves around the sun," said Kerlikowske, known affectionately as the Drug Czar. "And, contrary to popular opinion and centuries of scientific evidence, we know the earth is flat.

"Furthermore, the moisture some call 'rainfall' is actually God's tears."

A reporter pointed out to the Drug Dictator that marijuana has been found to have many medicinal uses by the Institute of Medicine, American Nurses Association, American Public Health Association, American Academy of HIV Medicine, Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, Lymphoma Foundation of America, and numerous other medical and scientific research organizations.

"Poppycock and balderdash," Kerlikowske sputtered.

"Who are you going to believe? Me, a lifetime cop, or a bunch of wimpy doctors and nurses and pantywaist scientists in frilly white lab coats?" asked Kerlikowske, who was the Seattle Police Chief before being named as Drug Despot by the president.

"All patriotic, red-blooded Americans should ignore the medical research of the federal government and the private sector."

Asked why the Drug Tyrant would recommend teenagers should use more alcohol and tobacco, Kerlikowske said he believes marijuana must be stamped out at any cost.

"Yes, it's true that each year hundreds of thousands of Americans die from using alcohol and tobacco and no one has ever died of an overdose of marijuana," Kerlikowske said. "But if you factor out drunk driving auto accidents, hardly any of those dying from alcohol and tobacco are teenagers. It's mostly middle-aged and older people. And hell, they were going to die eventually anyway.

"And yes, we will propose legislation to outlaw breast feeding and baby formula. Mother's milk and formula are both gateway drugs. It's been proven that almost all heroin, cocaine, and crystal meth addicts started out on either mother's milk or formula as babies. Formula is the methadone of baby nutrition."

Asked about widespread efforts in many states to legalize or decriminalize marijuana and to tax it, Kerlikowske told a reporter from the Fresno Bee, "Legalization is not in the president's vocabulary, and it's not in mine."

Kerlikowske added that other words not in his vocabulary include compassion, pain and suffering, the scientific method, and evidence.

Comments

[Don Parker - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you all for your comments. And please forward to your friends.

Don

[Elizabeth Hanly]

Thanks for this, Don

[iblogleft]

Its only really funny when its absolutely true, and absurd. Thank you for a great piece of work :-)

[TheFobster]

LEGALIZE
TAX
REGULATE

NOW!

[iblogleft]

I prefer legalize, regulate, educate. And, "Dynamite is legal, and I don't see teenagers tossing that around at each other."
:-)

[Don Parker - Huffpost Blogger]

And Liberate.

[tbone99]

"Furthermore, the moisture some call 'rainfall' is actually God's tears."

Just looking around to what we have done ti her world -I think we would have drowned by now

[Don Parker - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, She has reason to be sad about what we've done.

[Freestyler]

Reminded me more of the Bush admin, altho this WH is steering clear of the "evil" weed. But appreciate expose of all those other dangerous elements out there. Clearly we need to share this information everywhere ... Facebook, Parents Magazine, Better Housekeeping (does that still exist?) ... Thank you, Don, for your enlightening piece.

[kyanoshik]

marijuana became 'illegal' in the u.s. during prohibition - unless someone smashes the dominance of the alcohol, tobacco, and big phrma industries it will remain so.....

I wonder what the 'recreational substances' scene would look like today if folks like joseph p. kennedy sr. and his cohorts had run maryjane instead of rum.

hmmmm something to think about.

great post by the way! I especially love your alternative monikers - drug despot, drug tyrant., etc!

I'm sure I'm not alone in saying I've missed you on tHP!

[SinfullySublime]

I'm picturing a bloated marsupial named Big PhRMA, with Gil Kerlikowske in the pouch suckling on the teat.

[Don Parker - Huffpost Blogger]

What an image, what a line.
I'm now a Fan of SinfullySublime.

[Tamar Abrams - Huffpost Blogger]

Well I am much more optimistic that the Obama administration will rely on evidence-based science than the Bush administration which openly rejected it. But I love your line about "formula is the methadone of baby nutrition!" Thank goodness I gave my baby the real deal!!! Great post.

[Don Parker - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, I'm sure the Obama Administration will be better than the Salem-witch-trial Bushies. But Kerlikowske sure got it wrong on this one.

And lest anyone misinterpret my humor, let me be clear that while I believe breast feeding is best when possible, I did not intend to criticize mothers who choose to use formula for whatever reason.

Thanks for your comment.